SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Possible trigger alert

2023 started with a bang for me. Husband of over 20 years decided that we were incompatible and our marriage did not meet his expectations. Eventually find out that he has been unfaithful the entire marriage.. A big part of the cheating has been sexting with women that started even before I met him and never stopped. Ofcourse, I had no clue. He was the perfect husband and I had a perfect marriage.

I know he has to be a sex addict but I have since been trying to look at why he found these women so enticing even at the cost of our marriage. Two days ago I logged into the chat site that he frequented and have since been shocked by how dirty and murky that world is .A good majority of the men are married. I reached out to married men of my husbands age and asked them why they would be here. The answers varied from being happily married but wanting to cheat to being unhappy with the sex in their marriages. Some complained about wives not being adventurous enough, "only" having sex once a week or simply being a prude. These men are also looking to meet some of these women offline and have frequent one to one connections.

Oh and btw the women on these sites range from married to lots of young girls willing to fulfill all the kinks you could possibly think of.

How could I ever compete with what these women have to offer ? I never stood a chance, just plain me vs the variety, quality and quantity of sex from these women.

Unfortunately this has shattered my view of healthy monogamous relationships. This has been distressing but I am also trying to be objective. The wives of these men were exactly like me. ( one sleeping peacefully upstairs while he was online supposedly watching a movie !

Seems to me that behind every happy marriage there is a wife ( or a husband) that is blissfully unaware.

I have lost my one and only shot of happily ever after .

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 10:54 PM, Saturday, February 25th]

The men on that site will blame their wives for their actions,rather than look at themselves. Any answer from an active cheater can't be trusted.

Nothing you did,or didn't do,caused him to cheat. There's something missing in HIM..not you.

Please don't diagnose him as a sex addict. Only a certified sexual addiction therapist can diagnose him. He could very well just be a serial cheater. Many serial cheaters want the SA label, because it gives them an excuse as to why they did horrible things. And a ready made excuse when they cheat again.

If you want answers,he needs to be the one to give them to you. He needs intense therapy, whether he is a SA,or a serial cheater.

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

Abalone123 , I sorry that you are in pain and looking for answers.

I looked up your post history to find out more about your story so I can better tailor my post to your situation.

Unfortunately, you didn't tell enough of your story for me to give you a good response.

All I can say is, you did nothing to drive your husband to cheat.

I'm so sorry.

Sending hugs.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this pain. Keep in mind that you didn't cause this by any action or inaction - your H chose to cheat when there were many other options open to him. His cheating is about him, not about you. That's true even though at first BSes tend to think they are somehow at fault. Your H's cheating is about his issues with himself, not about issues with you or your M.

It's more likely that your STBXH is a coward, afraid to talk about his desires with you, than that he's a sex addict - and there are still other explanations for his behavior. The behavior is more important than the causes, however.

I hope you quickly come to realize that you have more chances at a good life. Your inadequate H is removing himself from your M. That frees you to find a good partner, if you open yourself to doing so. We human beings don't need partners, but they're nice to have - and you are a prize.

You can survive this and thrive. I know you may not believe that yet, but I urge you to have faith in yourself to heal and recover.

(((Abalone123))) - a hug, if you'd like one

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. One of the most painful parts of this for me is having to adjust my understanding of what I thought my life was.

How could I ever compete with what these women have to offer ? I never stood a chance, just plain me vs the variety, quality and quantity of sex from these women.

Of course you can't compete! What these women are offering isn't real, it's a fantasy, and these WHs are too stupid to know it. It would be similar to watching a romantic comedy and then being upset your spouse isn't acting the way the people in the movie did. I do completely understand the pain you're feeling, though.

Not sure how to respond to individual responses so including it in one reply.

@HellFire Addiction or serial cheater , they are both the same for me in terms of the level of betrayal. He was never a safe partner since he was never faithful to me the entire marriage. After 20 years of lying and cheating I don’t see the potential for him to be a safe partner . I am looking for answers for myself and to make sense of the situation. That is the only way I will feel some level of control in this chaos that I have been thrust into. I know the fault lies in him but I never got a fair chance at anything because I never knew what was on the other side. A enticing world where he made connections with other people at the cost of connecting with me. I was doing better but I am now feeling the grief once again after visiting the chat site. Pain shopping that was not good for me but I needed it desperately to get some answers. Thank you truly.

@Dorothy123 I truly appreciate the hugs that I so need right now. My story is very simple , a oblivious wife and a lying husband that cheated the entire marriage. I am not even sure I consider it a marriage at this point. I do not know the full extent of cheating because it has been going on over the years and I found out recently. The only part i have evidence for is the online affairs and also some chats with friends that I would not consider very kosher. This is where my happily ever after ends because after seeing the men on the chat site with no regrets ( including my husband ) I will never trust another man enough . And I am too old now to start life afresh. This is how my story ends.

@Sisoon Thank you for your response and you got it right. He is a coward that could not talk about his desires with me and instead chose to fulfill them from other women. How could he connect with me when all his desires \ emotions \ energies were spent connecting with others? I never got a fair chance and here I am. I am at a dead end right now and just taking it one day at a time. That is the only way for me to survive right now since thoughts of the future seem pretty dark and bleak.

@BallofAnxiety Hope you are doing better. Yes it has been very tough to look back at what I thought my marriage was and how different it was from the reality. I consider it a farce, a sham at this point. There is nothing that I can look back at and not question it’s authenticity. I don’t think a WH can compartmentalize enough to not let the dirty muck of the affairs overshadow genuine moments with the BS. Even if the online affairs were a fantasy there were connections built and a big part of my WH’s emotions and space allocated to them. Emotions that were meant for me and for strengthening the marriage. So freely given away without my knowledge . Thanks for understanding my pain.

(((Abalone123 )))