SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last year, my husband cheated on me.

I just gave birth, didnt feel good about my body and sex drive. I often rejected his advances and he suddenly turned to dating apps or swinging apps for sex.

However, he emotionally cheated with one of them. While this lasted 6 months, he was still trying to get me to go for couples counselling to work on our relationship.

Fast forward to today, I am willing to work things out with him but he signed a tenancy agreement for some space. He says he loves me and only me but he wants to work on himself and his own selfish issues to become a better person. Is this something cheaters do?? To work on themselves and their issues?
I am thinking of leaving to go back to my in laws (who 100% support me) to take a break and just recover mentally.

I know there is no right or wrong answer but words of encouragement and support please.. No hate.

Sadly, I think he wants to be single so he can continue the life he is currently having. And yes cheaters often "need space" to work on their "issues". He is not being honest with you.
How old is he? This sounds like a very immature person. The excuse that your postpartum life and a new baby made him do it is very troubling. I honestly think you should plan on a life without him.

crushediamond5,

You are dealing with a lot right now, and I'm so very sorry.

I want to make sure I understand your timeline. So about a month ago you found out that your husband had been cheating, but the cheating began last year? It sounds like his betrayals were both physical and emotional.

Do you have proof that the affairs have stopped and that there is no communication between him and his affair partners and no new reachouts to anyone new?

Why does he need to live by himself? If he is feeling like he needs space, why can that not be done within your own home--especially when it sounds like you both have a young child to care for? If he goes to his own rental place, what is his plan to co-parent?

What I want to assure you of is that his choice to cheat is not your fault--not in any way.

You were going through a difficult time and, instead of supporting you and working through issues together, he turned away from you and chose a path to meet his needs that was destructive to the relationship and you. Is he owning that? Or is he laying the blame on you?

Cheaters do go to counseling to work on themselves. Is he in counseling?

I'm concerned about why he feels he needs to live separately to work on himself. This gives him a great deal of privacy and lets him be unaccountable to anyone. While he is working on himself, how does he plan to support you emotionally and mentally (since he laid this pain in your lap)? How does he plan to support you as a coparent? It also seems like this living arrangement he is planning relieves him of responsibility, or am I reading the situation incorrectly?

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. As you are well aware, you can't control his choices. So, please do what you need to do to be safe and supported. If that place for support and healing is with your in laws, please do go there.

If you have not reached out for your own individual counseling, please do. You need support and someone you can process this pain with. Consider finding a counselor who is experienced with healing from trauma.

Gently, have you gotten tested for STIs?

Be so very kind and gentle with yourself right now. Being betrayed is absolutley trauma inducing. I know that I felt hollowed out and gutted in those early days and weeks. I'm so sorry you needed to find us, but I'm glad you did and posted. There is a wealth of experience and wisdom here.

Responders to your post will have a variety of advice, take what is helpful and leave the rest or come back to some of it when you are ready.

Focus on your needs and your child's needs right now. Drink water, eat, get some exercise--even just walks. Sleep when you can. And do surround yourself with the support you need.

You are supported here. ((((hugs to you))))

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:02 PM, Tuesday, February 21st]

So sorry that you've had to find us, and welcome to SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum, and more great info in the Healing Library.

This is a good time to focus on you and take care of yourself. None of this was your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do, say or didn't say. There were many other choices your WH (wayward husband) could have taken, but he chose to betray you.

Keep yourself hydrated, and eat - even if it's a protein shake. If you need help with depression or anxiety, see your doctor for meds. Infidelity is a beast, and intimate partner betrayal is the worst pain I've gone through.

Yeah mine needed space to work on his issues. Amazingly it meant he kept the a going, no issues were worked on.

Leaving you with a newborn so he can work on his issues? Not cool, very selfish. Space can be good, but there would need to be some concrete protection for you in that arrangement.

So is there no one that worked through the space apart? :(

Also, hes having a breakdown mentally too. His work is getting to him but he is still the father of my child and it pains me to see him suffer.

Your husband is abandoning you and your baby. If he were actually working on his issues, such as resolving his selfish tendencies, he would start by taking a more active role in family life, not leaving you to care for a newborn alone.

His affair is NOT the result of you rejecting him sexually. Every decent man knows the postpartum period is rough and that things don’t get back to some semblance of normal for at least year. Your husband simply can’t handle the fact that there is someone whose needs are more important than his at the moment.

If he wants to move out, let him move out… and then file for legal separation and get an emergency child support and custody order in place.

If your in laws 100% support you, then I think it’s a great idea for you to go stay with them for a while, as you suggested. You need your support system during this difficult time so rally whatever troops you can get!

Whatever you do, do not let him think that he can have his bachelor life while coming and going from your home whenever he pleases. That’s how you end up in infidelity hell forever. Either he commits completely to being a husband or father or he’s on his own. There is no in between.

If he chooses to move to the bachelor pad, then have a set visitation schedule in place for days and times to pick up the baby. If visits happen at your house, then go somewhere else while he is there.

As for his issues at work, I can assure you that whatever difficulties he’s experiencing pale in comparison to the pain you’re experiencing as a new mother whose husband is cheating on her. Save your energy and sympathy for yourself.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if his work problems are due to the fact that he’s an irresponsible person who is focused on chasing tail instead providing for himself and his family.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:55 AM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

I know you want to see that he is just as upset as you are, and that this "space" is time for both of you to work on your issues and to reconnect. You are going into this with a true heart. But, when a cheating partner asks for space, that is just another way of saying that they want to continue to try on this new relationship without the guilt of coming home to you. He also doesn't want to fully let you go at this time, just in case.

But if you don't believe that, hire a PI, or ask a trusted friend to help you spy to see what he's really up to. Do you have access to his phone logs? Do you know where he is staying?

With truth comes power and freedom to make decisions based on reality.

I'm so sorry your husband won't be honest with you about anything. At least if he told the truth you'd know what you are dealing with.

My advice is to get the truth, ALL of the truth ASAP and to go from there.

Hi @crushediamonds5 I'm so sorry you've had to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. I'm always rooting for healing and reconciliation in marriages but also aware that true R needs sincere remorse from the WS and takes two committed people working on their relationship.

From what you've said, I think you both would benefit from IC and also MC in order to process the best way forward. With regards to having time apart for a short while to work on yourself or get some breather is fine but from my own experience to be able to work on your marriage, it's best to be together in the same house to resolve issues.

You sound like a very caring and forgiving person and I really hope that your H is sincere in what he's saying to you and will take the necessary actions to work on himself and work on rebuilding the broken trust. Wish you all the very best.

I am sorry this happened to you. I read a book a long time ago, your erroneous zones by Dr. Wayne Dyer. One thing he said that stood out was we control our thoughts, our thoughts are the source of emotion and feelings.
Makes sense, our brain, we choose what it does what we think. My point is, despite what has happened you can control what you think, and therefore how you feel. Don't dwell on what your husband did, if you can focus on good things, things that make you happy, it will help. Not easy I know, sometimes it may feel impossible to do. But I believe what he said, we can control what we think, how we feel. Best wishes.

Good morning, welcome to SI.

I have to agree with the other posters, your husband is not being truthful. Generally speaking, when a wayward moves out and wants space, it's an opportunity for them to continue cheating and possibly test drive the affair partner. If that relationship doesn't work, they :ma have the spouse waiting at home. The best of both worlds.

You need to do whatever YOU need to do. If that means moving back to inlaws and getting much needed support, especially as a new mom, do it.

You don't have to wait for him to make a decision about your life, take hold of the reins and focus on you and your child.

How old is your husband?

Please find an IC for yourself and get tested for STDS. More than likely his affair was physical as well as emotional.

Post as often as you need to, there's always someone here to offer support and help you move forward with whatever decision you make.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, if he wants his space, give it to him. Start the 180 (see top of this page) and only discuss finances and your child. Show him you will not be disrespected one more minute.

You might also want to consult with an attorney, not to file for divorce, but to make sure your husband is accountable for supporting your child.

Hugs to you...