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Newest Member: GotLynched

New Beginnings :
Attachment styles

Topic is Sleeping.
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 JanaGreen (original poster member #29341) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023

I was listening to a podcast yesterday on attachment styles, and I started thinking . . . Oh my god I think I'm avoidant. So I took the quiz in the show notes and sure enough, got avoidant. I'm pretty sure that in my marriage I was the picture of anxious attachment and codependence, but I think going through the divorce and then being single and celibate for two years changed me profoundly. Has anyone else experienced this?

My partner is a very kind person but also has a lot of anxiety generally and he gets especially anxious when I get withdrawn and aloof. I'm going to try to be especially cognizant of when I'm doing things that make him feel like I'm pulling away in the future, now that I have had this realization.

Has anyone else found that they behave very differently in relationships after getting out of a toxic marriage?

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8777977
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

JanaGreen

Haven't had a relationship so can't comment on that, but I will share that my therapist suggested that I say to the next guy I date "Hey, why don't we both take personality tests and discuss the results" Not exactly a romantic pickup line, but I see what he's getting at. If a relationship gets to a point of being serious, understanding how each other is programmed can help...

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8778099
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 JanaGreen (original poster member #29341) posted at 4:29 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

Ohhh what kind of personality tests?

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8778279
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

Wife and I did prepare\enrich as part of the marriage process through our church. That's a little overboard for just dating but was used to identify areas of potential conflict. FWIW We scored really high on it.
Another I have done besides the standard briggs/myers is smarter measure.

posts: 1591   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8778327
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 1:35 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

"Has anyone else found that they behave very differently in relationships after getting out of a toxic marriage?"

You bet!
I am calm, happy, much healthier..

Funny how good life can be when you are not being gaslit, abused, lied to or exposed to an unconsentual open marriage.

And people I would involve myself with are generally nice.


In other words, I am finding that I have secure attachment when in a consensual relationship with a decent human being who actually cares how I feel. Who would have thought?

If something makes me feel anxious we can actually talk about it. Wow! Amazing how that works when contrasted with how wh used to light me on fire emotionally just to watch me burn.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1662   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8779543
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 6:28 AM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

JanaGreen

123tests has some a personality test.
I think it might offer a survey at the end and if you do that then you get the entire report for free.

There’s also an attachment style quiz you can take at openpsychometrics.

Have fun

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8779741
Topic is Sleeping.
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