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Newest Member: CrazyLikeAFox

Divorce/Separation :
Single Mom

Topic is Sleeping.
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

Being a single mom is no joke. I have three boys ages 6, 5, and 3. My kids are with me Monday - Friday and every 3rd and 5th weekend. Their dad has them Friday afternoons to Sunday afternoons and that's it. I am an accountant so I am in the middle of busy season trying to work extra hours. This is the first year of everything so I couldn't get my kids into all of the daycare (the wait list is a year long) so I'm dependent on his parents to help me. I am stuck in this tiny little town where he grew up and everyone knows him and my family are in South Carolina. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Constantly. He is trying to turn my 6 year old against me. While his parents love me and want to support me, they enable him. They take care of everything for him and try to tell me how he is "getting better" and "being a better dad." While my kids tell me that they spend zero time with just him, his brother or his brother's girlfriend or his parents are always there too. And my 6 year old tells me about how he took care of the 3 year old when he cut his finger because dad didn't want to get up. And I'm sorry, but I just don't think you can be a good parent if you are abusive to the other parent.

I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so behind at work and I feel so torn because if I need extra time at work I have to depend more on his parents. Or just give up sleeping altogether and work all night long.

Does this ever get any easier?

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 115   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8777505
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:26 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Yes, it does get easier. When the kids are older, it will get easier.

One day when the boys were little, I drove past a little, old lady who was out in her yard with a broom and dust pan. She was sweeping stuff from her yard. Many times, I thought, "one day, I'll be so bored that I'll be out in my yard with a broom and dust pan."

One day, you will have so little to do that you'll be willing to use a broom and dust pan to clean your yard.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3314   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8777596
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:01 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

I don’t have kids, but just wanted to say I feel your exhaustion through your post. Hang in there- the kids will grow up and be in school and it should get easier. Single parents are rock stars.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5912   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8777602
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Prettyflawed ( new member #80840) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

I don't have kids but wanted to let you know you've been heard. When I feel overwhelmed I think of the passage "This too shall pass". You have alot on your plate with tax season. It will be over soon and next year your kids will be in daycare. It will slowly get better. Hang in there!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Ohio
id 8777699
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:10 AM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023

I wasn’t sure if your family is around u or in another state. I think you should do everything you can to move to where your family is, if they are supportive of you.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:11 AM, Wednesday, February 15th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5498   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8777720
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Makesmewannapuke ( member #62580) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023

Future,

You have been heard! We feel you. What you are doing is some really hard work. I know you are exhausted and overwhelmed but you should be so proud of yourself. You still have a long way to go but look at how far you've come!

Does it get easier? Yes, it does. And I hate to use this phrase but you also just get used to it because it becomes your new normal. You said this is the "first year of everything" so things are bound to be a bit uncomfortable right now. Give it time and you will settle into a routine that works for you and the boys.

Also, you're an accountant? Even without 3 young children on your own, I think that would be an extremely stressful job right now! I don't even file my own taxes and tax season stresses me out.

You're in a really tough place right now. Just keep keeping on and I promise light at the end of the tunnel.

Sending you hugs, strength, and Zen!!

posts: 151   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2018   ·   location: KS
id 8777776
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 11:06 AM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023

Thank you to all of you. I think you all understand that part of the struggle we all go through is the feeling of being ignored; that our pain either isn't real, isn't valid, or just plain doesn't matter. You all made me feel heard, feel validated, and that in itself helps.

homewrecked2011 - I would love to be able to move! Right now its not an option, but I've discussed it with my lawyer. Now I document every time STBXH denies parenting time, even if its just for a few hours. I'm torn because I don't want to take my kids away from their dad if he's a healthy active dad. But if he is not going to be active in their lives, or if he's just going to show them how to be an abuser, then I will do everything I can to move to be near my family.

Time is the healer of all things. Or, like Makesmewannapuke said, we just learn to get used to it. But we also learn to get stronger! My life is chaotic right now, but I also have so much to be thankful for. Last night my oldest told me that one of the girl charters on his show was his favorite girl. I asked him why and he told me because she looked like me! This valentines day was the best for me yet - I had three little valentines and they all gave me hugs and kisses and love me. I'll take that over a fake-a** cheating husband anyday!! smile

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 115   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8777910
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 1:20 AM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

You certainly are busy. Have you considered counseling to help navigate through some of these issues? I'm sure that is difficult with the busy schedule and the kids, but might help you find some peace.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8779917
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shewp ( new member #82644) posted at 2:43 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Ohhhh I stood where you stand lady. My family too is in another state. During my first divorce many years ago I too was single momma with two littles 5 and 18 months. Having 3 kids is always crazy as a single mom but it does get much easier as you get older.

My children are well adjusted healthy normal kids who get good grades and stay out of trouble. You are going to be just fine too. My best advice to you is to be kind to yourself. Single parents have to take on less sometimes and that is ok. When another mom offers to drop a kid off accept the help. You don't have to volunteer and make homemade cookies for valentines day. None of that crap even matters. Some nights dinner may look like a bowl of cereal at 8:30pm and that is OK. Nobody ever died from that. The best thing about single parenting though is this. When you're exhausted you don't have to shave your legs and if your dishes pile up all weekend long it's nobody's business but your own. Want to stay in your pajamas all day on Saturday. Want to get ice cream Sundaes for dinner? My kids and I would sometimes have movie nights where we'd all sleep in the living room on the floor and eat popcorn FOR dinner. It was a blast and now that they're older they still talk about "when mom was poor" and all of those crazy fun things we did.

This too shall pass. His parents should be helping you. It's partially their fault that he's such a piece of garbage. Don't feel guilty for taking their help. If it bothers them they should have instilled better morals in their son because if he doesn't change his ways they'll be cleaning up a lot more of his shit messes in the future!

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780405
Topic is Sleeping.
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