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Many of you know my story - 11 months out from D-Day, many reveals since then about the past, still talking to AP. We've both been in IC and MC. WH has had a few "lightbulb moments" recently (better to have AP hate him than me, NC is absolutely necessary, plus a few more). I think we might finally be headed in a better direction, but I know this will take years and the pain and misery are going to be part of the ride.

I've been struggling with my own emotions. I feel stuck. I told my IC that I can feel these "layers of trauma" weighing me down. It's like the initial shock of D-Day is still there, then the new reveals just layered themselves on top. I have all these separate, traumatic truths that I'm dealing with all at once, but each is in a different stage of processing/grieving. I told my IC in our last session that I honestly don't understand how to deal with this. What can I do to start feeling even a little better? Her response: Don't focus on WH. Focus on you. Don't let his actions bring you down this far. Stay out of his process. Stop trying to fix. Really? Easier said than done. She's telling me to change the entire core of my being while I'm in this state of trauma. I can't shut off 58 years of being who I am. I always overthink. I always try to fix. I always try to be the solution. Yeah I get it. I need to back off, and I've been trying. But how does that address my feelings of helplessness? Hopelessness? Like I have no good options for the future, no matter what I decide to do?

I also addressed this during MC last week. She told me to just keep doing my own work. I asked, "What work am I supposed to be doing?" She said, "You're doing it." What? Sitting in a dark hole with no idea how to get out is "doing the work?" She told me to find fun things to do with my friends or on my own. All I can do is get myself to work. It's actually the one place where I feel good. No one there knows what's been going on with me. I'm very good at my job and continue to get excellent feedback and praise. I work at a school and the kids keep me so engaged and distracted all day that there's little opportunity to think of anything else. The minute I get in the car to drive home, the thoughts start to hit. The pain comes back. I get home, sit on the couch to watch TV and usually end up falling asleep. Just being me is exhausting. I have no interest or energy to go out with anyone and put on the act that everything is fine.

Last week, we had a particularly rough MC session where I left feeling hopeless, like I was just destined to feel this way indefinitely. Afterward, WH honestly tried to help. He reiterated some of the things the MC said, which still didn't make sense to me. The next morning, I got up, went through my regular routine and got in the car to go to work. As soon as I pulled out of the garage, I started getting a strange feeling, like a rush of adrenaline throughout my entire body. I've had generalized anxiety for years, so I just took a deep breath and thought it would go away.

As I continued to drive, it just got worse. There was a nervous feeling in my stomach and pressure across my chest. I also noticed that my heart was pounding. I checked my pulse on my Apple watch and it was up to 103. My normal pulse runs in the high 60s. I decided I had a few options. I could keep driving to work, risk getting worse, needing an ambulance and everyone watching me get wheeled out. I could pull into a parking lot, call WH and wait for him to get me. He was over 30 minutes away at his job, possibly more in traffic. Or I could drive myself to the emergency room. I called WH, told him I was not OK and that I was going to the ER. He said he would tell his boss he had to leave and meet me there. I was less that 10 minutes away, so I just concentrated on staying alert and watching the road. WH called again and stayed on the phone until I got to the hospital.

The ER was pretty quiet and they took me in quickly and did an EKG. Then I talked to a nurse while another took my vitals. My pulse and blood pressure were both high, but the nurse said my EKG looked fine. I was put into a cubicle and two physician's assistants came, asked me a bunch of questions and listened to my heart and lungs. They asked me if I had any recent stress and I said, "Yes, it's very personal but concerns my marriage." They were both very kind and understanding. WH showed up at that point and sat with me. A technician came by to take a chest x-ray, then a nurse came to draw blood. He said it would take up to 90 minutes for the results, so just to sit tight and relax. He said the doctor ordered a pill to calm me down and asked it I wanted it. I said yes, so he came back with it. I did feel calmer over the next hour while I waited for the results and watched my pulse go back to normal on the cardiac monitor. I told WH to distract me and just talk about random stuff. He sat with me, held my hand, read me jokes off his phone and told me what had been going on at the school where he works. We also talked about a trip we're planning for an upcoming school break.

One of the PAs came back and said a doctor reviewed all of my results. I did not have a heart attack. My chest x-ray and bloodwork all looked fine. We talked about stress and anxiety and she suggested deep breathing, meditation, journaling, etc. I already take a daily pill for anxiety, but they prescribed another to be used as a "rescue medication" if I have another attack. After I got released, we were both starving so we went to get lunch. I took a long nap after we got home.

Since then, we've been trying to keep things calm at home. No big conversations. I still feel stuck. You see mental health advice everywhere: If you need help, reach out to someone and you'll get it. I do need help. I did reach out to my IC and our MC. What advice did I get: Just keep doing what you're doing. You'll know when you've had enough. Or they say something and I say, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I honestly do not know how to do that." They say, "Well, you'll figure it out on your own." I feel like I'm not being heard. Or maybe it's that I'm not hearing them. Whatever the case, it's not a fun place to be.

[This message edited by FireandWater at 9:01 PM, Sunday, February 12th]

While going to the ER was the right call to rule out any other issues, ED providers are not the ideal practitioners to manage anxiety meds. Is either your IC/MC part of an integrated behavioral health practice?

While going to the ER was the right call to rule out any other issues, ED providers are not the ideal practitioners to manage anxiety meds. Is either your IC/MC part of an integrated behavioral health practice?

Thanks for the reply. My primary care doctor has always managed my anxiety meds. I've been on a fairly low dose for years and it's been working well. Back in July, I told my doctor what had been going on, and she upped my dosage. It's still fairly low so I think it's time to re-evaluate and make sure it's enough. My next step is to make an appointment with my doctor and see if she wants to up the dosage or send me to a specialist.

My family's cardiac history played into my decision to go to the ER. My dad had many heart attacks over his lifetime. His first was at age 42. His last at age 93 sent him into full cardiac arrest. He miraculously survived that one and lived another 11 months. My brother, who is only 18 months older than me, inherited our dad's cardiac issues and had his first heart attack last year. A friend also had one last year and she's only a month older than me. My cousin's wife had one last year and she's similar in age to me. This is adding to my stress, wondering if I'm going to be next and knowing that the stress at home is not good for my mental or physical health.

I'm so sorry you experienced anxiety that was bad enough to send you to the ER. It sounds like they took good care of you by ruling out a heart attack and giving you another medication for anxiety. You made a good decision to go and get checked out and take care of yourself.

It does sound like from what you wrote that there is a disconnect between you and your counselors. Maybe you could try to communicate that and if you still don't feel like you are getting anywhere find someone else who is a better fit.

Is it possible you are also depressed? It's hard to focus and have a direction in counseling when you are battling depression and the exhaustion that can go with it.

I remember having so much trouble with focus and concentration that I could not read. My counselor kept giving me books to read for homework even after I kept explaining that I would read a page and have no idea what I read no matter how hard I tried. The counselor would tell me I wasn't working hard enough to get better. All that accomplished was to make me feel even worse about myself.

Your counselors are working for you. If they are not helpful, find new ones.

When you do have energy it is a good idea to do something to focus on you. If you don't feel like socializing than maybe go for a walk and listen to music or a podcast. It doesn't have to be anything big.

So sorry you're going through this, FaW. The pain from infidelity is the worst. When was the last time since one of those many reveals or contact with AP? Each one resets your healing clock back to zero.

I understand the over thinking and trying to fix everything, because I did that, too. For overthinking, I found mindfulness and meditation very helpful.

You don't have to fix everything. Let others learn to fail and fix their mistakes. It can increase their knowledge, experience, and increase their confidence in knowing they can do something.

Focus on you. What helps you to feel at peace, happy, content? Do those things more often. Buy a special coffee or tea mug and special coffee or tea, and drink it - don't save it for a special day. You are a special lady and deserve to have special things.

Is your IC a betrayal trauma specialist? My second one was, and really helped me to dig out of the whole. It was about 3 years after dday 1 that I finally felt happy and content.

You can’t live like this anymore. Literally. The limbo is destroying you.

Either your husband gets his act together now or he doesn’t. I think that’s what your body is trying to tell you.

You can’t live like this anymore. Literally. The limbo is destroying you.

Either your husband gets his act together now or he doesn’t. I think that’s what your body is trying to tell you.

I agree with above.

I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. Post dday 1 when I could feel my WH was nowhere where he needed to be to save our marriage, my Apple Watch would constantly send increased heart rate notifications, I’d have panic attacks left, right and centre where my heart rate would go over 124bpm.

I think we’ve posted about the fact that most of us here are fixers, or maybe it was another poster, hence why we found this forum. But… infidelity teaches you that there is really only one thing that you can control and fix in life: yourself.

I know you will not like to hear again the same thing your IC/MC are telling you but yes, the only way out is focusing on yourself and letting go of trying to fix your cheating spouse.

I had a dday 2 when my WH confessed he didn’t stop talking to his AP 4 months after dday 1 (he felt responsible for her pain, or at least that was his excuse). That day something died in me and I had finally understood that he needs to sink or swim, I had nothing left to give and he needed to fix himself.

Ironically he got his head out of his ass pretty quick once my focus shifted to myself, I suppose he understood that I was planning a life where I was well no matter if he was still part of it or not.

I am still alive which is the most important part, I have no doubt that I would have head a heart attack if I would have kept going that way.

Please please please get out of the limbo you’re currently in.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 9:40 AM, Monday, February 13th]

Oh yes. I had 2 of those during my recovery [once when things were underground and once a while afterward]. I also carry around a rescue Rx with me at all times. Knowing I have the option has helped.

The Limbo is weighing you down. And your body knows it.

I will never forget when WH was contacted when I went in the 2nd time. I was there on one of those chairs, drugged so I felt nothing [they had to give me 2 shots to get me to that state - once they ruled out heart conditions], my head hung and my hair covering my upper torso not moving. I didn't know it was WH who entered the room - I figured it was yet another Dr or Nurse asking more questions or to take more blood or to give me yet another shot. I didn't move when I felt the hand on my shoulder and then recognized the shoe that moved into what was left of my vision. He sat down.

I'll never forget looking at him through my hair in that drug induced haze of nothingness. I simply told him "I'm tired of going it alone. I'm tired of going to IC time and time again and watching him do nothing but wait. Get Help or Get the Fuck Out". Then I hung my head back down again, not really giving a damn if he chose the latter of that ultimatum.

He went to IC. And it was still an uphill climb. But IC helped him immensely. And things slowly started getting better.

I am now 6 years from DDay1, 5 years from DDays 2/3 and 2 years from having a Cease & Desist sent to LTAP for Cyber Stalking us.

I still won't leave the house without my emergency Rx.

BUT I no longer shake uncontrollably. I no longer sob myself to sleep. I no longer wonder what will happen if I got in my car and just kept driving. I no longer exist with my head down.

Some days are easier than others. But at this far out -the bad days are behind me.

And I must compliment your sheer badassery of knowing you needed help and going to the ER. That took guts. It took guts to make this post.

I, too, think that getting yourself to a good ER was top-notch thinking and action.

You can’t live like this anymore. Literally. The limbo is destroying you.

Either your husband gets his act together now or he doesn’t. I think that’s what your body is trying to tell you.

I, too, am with your counselors. Your path to emotional health requires you to realize you can heal even if your H doesn't. Whether or not your H gets his act together is irrelevant to your healing.

At this point, you're likely to be in a lot of pain. My reco is to let it flow through your body, because that feeling the pain lets it go. You've got to feel a LOT of pain before you feel the results, and it's not pleasant, but so much pain comes with being betrayed that it just takes a long time to process it out of your body.

Don't distract yourself from the pain - acknowledging it and letting it flow is what will allow you to find joy again. Feeling the pain frees up energy that you can use in other activities, many of which will be very satisfying.

She's telling me to change the entire core of my being while I'm in this state of trauma. I can't shut off 58 years of being who I am.

Gently, she's telling you that the way to heal is to change what you do (and how you do it), not who you are. You'll still be you. You'll just spend a lot less energy on doing what you think you have to do and more on things that are closer to satisfying your core.

Here's the thing, IMO: we human beings need to give and get. Acting in one's own best interests in healthy ways requires one to give to others. Focusing on - taking responsibility for - yourself in healthy ways will free you to get more and give more. Just not necessarily from and to your H, unless he gets his act together.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:54 PM, Monday, February 13th]