SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mine "confessed" everything on dday 1. (sarcastic laughing)

Funny he forgot to mention that he and his teenage ap were (quote from someone who witnessed it) "dry humping each other all day every day" and "making out" where they worked. They also had unrestricted access to his car, so who knows what actually happened? I just assume that they were having a full PA from the beginning. Those lil facts somehow totally skipped his big dumb head during his "full confession". He gave me full access to his phone after dday, but tbh I didn't really do a ton of digging. The little bit I did see and find was enough for me to get off the R train.

He never did actually tell me the full truth. *shrug* We're divorced now so it doesn't matter anymore. Still irks me though.

Neither of my spouses really hid anything, I just found it all by looking.

Whatsapp is commonly used as is telegram. Snapchat is another big app people use for cheating. Instagram is another which has a feature you can use that deletes everything after it is read, same as Facebook.

I am not sure about other apps but Instagram, you can have two accounts. You can have one account then "forget" the other account so it never shows up when you try to switch accounts. Keep that in mind.

I would tell her you want to look at her phone and she can look at yours if she wants too, because you read about trust in a relationship. Something like that. If she acts weird about you looking at her phone then that is suspicious.

You can also ask to borrow her phone because you want to cross check some settings since yours is acting weird. My text messaging messes up so my husband will look at his settings compared to mine to see what I have selected or not selected that messes up my texts, can try something like that.

The best way to catch her is to buy a voice activated recorder,and secure it under the front seat of her car, with heavy duty velcro. Most cheaters call their AP when they're driving,because they feel safe to do so.

If she’s not talking to AP she may be discussing him with friends. This can be especially productive immediately after confronting. Even if they don’t usually talk on the phone she might freak and call him or a confidant and tell them you’re on to them.

Also consider placing one in the home anywhere she prefers to talk.

My WH and his AP used Tiktok to communicate. Honestly, I wouldn't have guessed it if he hadn't drunkenly forgot to turn off the app.

His was messaging women he met on OnlyFans & Instagram. I found out because his phone uploaded all of his pictures to our shared business google account. I one day just happened to click photos on that account looking for something I had just uploaded there by mistake. Talk about a rush of utter sickness....tons of 'd' pics, videos made talking to them, masturbating for them, etc. He is an over the road truck driver so I had time to go through his personal computer thoroughly. Pieced together everything for myself & honestly am still waiting for all 100% of the truth.

I waited a couple of weeks to confront him to see what else I could piece together. I noticed that he would slept with the phone up his butt if he could've. Seriously - slept with it under his hand. Never wanted me to see it. It went on for about 2 months.

Now he leaves it laying around when he goes to the bathroom, leaves it sitting next to me when he gets out of the car to run in somewhere & I am not going in, etc.

I had suspicions over the years that my wife had cheated on me. I had some smoke but no fire so to speak.

My wife also gaslit me when I would bring up any suspicions. For example, she would go out with a guy friend (known for a long time, before me) 3 times in one week, and had a work thing (bday) that she and her female coworkers put on for a male coworker (turned out to be an EA partner of my wife). She got home that night was drunk, and passed right out.

I snooped her phone and found some inappropriate texting between the long time friend and her, starting with nearly begging for him to come out to the bday party (while me, the schmuck is home taking care of our son). I had raised my worries about how much time she was away and she gaslit me, would say she never did anything on her own, doesn’t have her own time and space, needs to manage her depression, etc.

I confronted her about the messages and my feelings. She was calm and sheepish when I confronted her but she had explanations for all of it. Should have been a huge red flag that she wasn’t pissed with me for questioning her, I mean, I would have been.

Anyway, time went on, the long time male friend and my wife had a falling out, same with the EA with the coworker, but her depression got worse. Then her dad and grandma died and had some family issues afterwards, so was a tough time. We got through it, she seemed to improve somewhat but that nagging feeling was always there.

A few years later, for No real reason, I snooped her tablet, checked her email (using key words), and found my proof. PA with a different coworker (Ironically, was at that same bday party).

Confronted when she got home and she admitted to a ONS with a rando way back, couple years into our relationship (that sequence of events is crazy, I won’t go into it now). I asked about the PA coworker. She denied at first but eventually copped to it. She would have denied without evidence.

When I look back, all the signs were there but taken in isolation, each instance could be explained. But when you look at all the evidence from 30,000 feet, it becomes glaringly obvious.

Yes, Jimi007, what you are describing sounds suspicious.

When my WH took the phone with him to the bathroom he was taking d*** pics and videos to send to affair partners.

My H communicated on Facebook Messenger with his affair partners and deleted the messages.

Also, my H would spend lots of time in another room or sit so his screen wasn't visible when we were in the same room. He was giving himself lots of time and privacy.

Still, a fair amount of the communication happened during his work day, and he (stupidly) also used his work-provided Skype Messenger to message the AP he worked with.

I would trust what your gut is telling you.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:02 AM, Friday, February 10th]

I'm not sure what to do at this point...Something is wrong. My wife has a different tone on text messages that she receives . Most of them I know. Her boss , our kids ect. Many times texts come in late at night when we are in bed with a tone that I don't recognize. I ask her who was that ? She says it was a wrong number. Yet its the same tone each time...

They communicated exclusively via WhatsApp and he had her contact saved as his coworker's name. However, he has never had a password on his phone and has never been secretive about it. I used his phone all the time for music, gps, pictures, etc. That really messed with my head- that it was literally RIGHT there all the time and very accessible to me, but it never once crossed my mind to look through his phone or anything.

Same here. Looking back WH was unsettled each time I touched his phone and made sure he watched me whilst using it but I didn’t think it was suspicious, I thought he was precious about his new device (he got a new phone months prior, unrelated). That’s how much I trusted him, the thought of him cheating didn’t even enter my head. The A was work hours so no time outside the home or anything else.

OP I wouldn’t ask her if she’s cheating as she’ll deny it, only a very very small percentage of cheaters confess. Most of them deny and start gaslighting you.

What you describe sounds suspicious, she’s already gaslighting you by claiming she gets the same wrong number texts without showing you.

Can you get the phone bills? Are you able to let your phone die and ask to borrow her phone to do something (call someone, use the maps etc).

Next time a text on that ringtone comes in and you ask who is it, if she says wrong number can you ask her to show you the text? If she refuses you have your answer….

[This message edited by Luna10 at 9:00 AM, Friday, February 10th]

I had absolutely no idea.

In hindsight, the warnings were there, the locked phone, the fights for no reason...when I questioned the locked phone, she said there was a ration of thefts where she works, so that was understandable.

How'd I find out? Checked the phone bill online, I was looking for a reason why my bill was so high, found the kids were streaming Spotify. As God as my witness, I was hovering over the X to close out the bill when I noticed a column of numbers, hundreds of them, on the page I was closing out. Out of curiosity, I googled the number, turns out it was a co-worker of my wife. Went through the bill, found the bill separates texts from images, and it showed hundreds of images sent mostly at night.

A part of me knew, but a part of me was hoping there was a rational explanation. When confronted with the bill, she went bleach white.

My husband used WhatsApp and regular texting and would delete any non innocuous messages immediately.

At the beginning of the affair they also communicated via work email, but stopped that pretty quickly. They created a shared secret google doc where they would share all their feelings. I never saw that because his AP unshared it with him after Dday.

He was on his phone a LOT more, and I noticed it. But it coincided with the beginning of the pandemic and with a close family member dying of cancer, so I attributed it to that. We were also doing a lot of switching off on the home front and taking turns driving three hours away to help with the end of life caretaking, so it all stayed off my radar until the day I looked at our phone bill to investigate some higher than normal charges.

Then he lied and lied and lied, taking the affair deeper underground. I was naive and gullible and tried to believe him until I couldn’t anymore. Then I did a deep dive in an old phone of his and found incriminating work emails they sent at the beginning of the affair and confronted again. That’s when he (mostly) did an about face.

Mine did most of her communication in person. We were both young professionals, raising a young son. Each of us had an immersive hobby: I was in a band that rehearsed a few days a week and gigged occasionally at bars; she was in a dance troupe that rehearsed a few days a week and gigged occasionally at civic festivals and such. Schedules were hectic and a constant juggle. Her AP was a man who was affiliated in some way with the dance troupe. I believe he was a friend of one of the drummers, and he met my wife via casual chatting with her after a rehearsal.

In hindsight, the signs were there, but she was masterful in how she controlled the growth so that it was very subtle. Classic version of gaslighting. Gradually, she began going a bit earlier to rehearsal, and/or coming home a bit later. Gradually, long weekend day commitments began to increase. Keep in mind that I was in a band at that time and we had a son who was doing the usual kid stuff: soccer, homework, play dates, etc. So we were always juggling schedules.

In terms of our relationship, gradually, sex began to taper off. At first it would be something like she had some work to catch up on late at night. I'd go to bed and eventually fall asleep as she "worked" at the dining room table. After a few days, I'd take care of myself and wait until the next time. When sex happened, it was more and more perfunctory, as if she wanted me to desire it less. One day, close to Dday, we were both awake on a Saturday morning and I asked her for a quickie BJ. She was a oral sex aficionado -- she even used a nickname that implied this -- and ordinarily this would have been an enthusiastic yes from her. That day: "You're gross," said in a semi-playful way, but the end result was no BJ. It struck me as odd. Totally out of character for her. Normally she was on the J in any place feasible, and she especially loved stolen quickies and/or semi-risky public places.

Then there was the gradual ramp-up of her picking at me over minutiae, in ways that would escalate inexplicably. I remember one over ice cream. Ice cream! It seemed like, more and more, she was behaving angrily toward me, but more than just the anger, it seemed like the anger triggers were more and more random. Totally unforeseeable and/or unpredictable. It dovetailed well with the tapered-off sex, because we'd have more days were we'd go to be angry and resentful, meaning no sex. In hindsight, I believe that was the goal.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:09 PM, Friday, February 10th]

jimi007

i’m sorry you find yourself here. i’ve been lurking on here for several yrs after my dday

i think your gut is right on this

listen and learn from others sharing their story as
you can see there’s a lot of commonalities

because info and apps can be deleted this has always been my issue with technology and how it facilitates these things. puts us at an extreme disadvantage.

1: var in her car

2: if possible see if she has backed her phone up to a computer. i was able to learn that with an iphone there’s an encrypted file in some obscure folder. i purchased an app that was able to open that file and anything that was on the phone was there

here’s some rambling and touch points:

it’s not uncommon for an app to be installed and deleted daily. again, with iphone if you go to app store to download an app you can tell if it’s been downloaded previously

i found that a co workers name was being used so that way i’d get the impression it was work related
but they can use any name and have the same contact twice which is not typical

as long as you know her password (of course i didn’t) some have mentioned they would just pick up the phone when their spouse was sleeping and lock your self in the bathroom or wherever

outside of looking at most recent text conversations use the search button on the phone or in the text app and use key words. love for example could be common, so try miss you, things like that . "sexual" words are good as well. i was confident my wife was also flirting with others so don’t limit yourself to one person if you’re scanning texts

if none of this is possible for you, give var some time and if need be then use losthuaband43’s advice

I'm not sure what to do at this point...Something is wrong. My wife has a different tone on text messages that she receives . Most of them I know. Her boss , our kids ect. Many times texts come in late at night when we are in bed with a tone that I don't recognize. I ask her who was that ? She says it was a wrong number. Yet its the same tone each time...

Wrong number? Late at night, repeatedly? I can count one on hand the number of "wrong number" texts and/or calls that I've received in the last couple years. I takes at most two messages to end a wrong number. One to confirm that the person the message was intended for is not them and perhaps a follow up acknowledging and that is it. Something like:

A to B: Hey there Sally, hope things are well, we met last week and you gave me your number and I wanted to ask you to have lunch with me on Tuesday.

B to A: I believe you have the wrong number, my name is Jerome and I do not know anyone named Sally.

A to B: My mistake, thank you.

End of conversation. There shouldn't be anything else after that.

Your gut is most likely right. Your wife is having some sort of affair, the nature of which you may not be able to discern at the moment. Have there been other changes in her routine? In the timetable of a few weeks back or maybe even further back was there a man in her life, maybe at work, the gym, neighbor, another parent at a school function or church group?

Like maybe a few months ago you were talking and she said, "You'll never believe what Steve said, it was so funny, he said ...." and after she finished you remember thinking to yourself, that wasn't funny but your wife was over here like a teenager in high school talking about her new crush? We tend to tell on ourselves from time to time and if she didn't tell you a funny anecdote that you didn't find that funny, she maybe made mention of a guy and then suddenly like magic all mention of that person stops. That is usually in my experience the sign of a change that the relationship may have shifted and if it became an affair, her shame comes into play and she doesn't want to talk to you about her new AP openly.

This group can help you. Try to think on what other changes you've observed in your wife and see if you can correlate that change to other events that you know about.

Thank you all that have responded... Yes there has been changes to our marriage dynamic. She started a new job about 1 1/2 yrs ago. About 6 months ago they hired a new live in caretaker.
She talked about this person a lot . I finally started asking questions about him... I never accused her of anything yet she got very defensive whenever I asked . Now she doesn't talk about him at all . She is also quite short with me and seems possed a lot. The care taker is in his late 20s . My wife is 62...Very fit and good looking for her age.

If she is getting texts in middle of the night and claims they are nothing, ask to see.

My husband is in a group chat for a game he plays, if he goes off I ask him "who is texting you" and he will tell me then he picks up his phone and shows me. He opens his messages and shows me. He has to because of our trust issues due to his lies and cheating. But even before I found out he cheated, he would show me who texted him. He never hid it.

Same goes for me, if I get a text late at night he will ask "who is texting you" I will pick up phone, check and show him.

I find it odd she is claiming it is wrong numbers, if she isn't opening it and showing you.

Thank you all that have responded... Yes there has been changes to our marriage dynamic. She started a new job about 1 1/2 yrs ago. About 6 months ago they hired a new live in caretaker.
She talked about this person a lot . I finally started asking questions about him... I never accused her of anything yet she got very defensive whenever I asked . Now she doesn't talk about him at all . She is also quite short with me and seems possed a lot. The care taker is in his late 20s . My wife is 62...Very fit and good looking for her age.

Brother, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, a club that none of us want to see ever expand in membership, but unfortunately it does. I promise you that I'm not a mind reader or fortune teller, but cheaters follow the same script in many cases, almost so often to the letter that we refer to it as the Cheater's Handbook. The blabbing about this guy/gal all the time to never hearing about them again is a sign that things crossed a boundary. No, some may disagree with me, but this happens because Waywards know that they are doing something wrong and most of them feel shame in that. Now, that shame isn't usually strong enough for them to stop what they are doing, but they don't want to draw attention to the shame, and so if they don't talk about them with you, it becomes an out of sight, out of mind thing and you the person they are betraying becomes less likely to dig in and see what is going on. It is a bit counterintuitive, but as a general rule you should worry more when they stop talking about the other person to you then when they are open and honest.

So based on your post it seems like about 6 months ago this began. A 62 year old woman and a 20 something year old guy do not have a whole hell of a lot in common or much to talk about. It's over a 30 year age gap to bridge, so my guess would be that it is no doubt some sort of physical affair. I can see how you said, a woman at 62 getting compliments from a young man becomes a massive ego boost and she thinks she needs to feel young again so she flirts back to this young man and pretty soon it escalates and then they are burning up the midnight oil texting each other and much more.

I guess the next step is for you to figure out if you can get any more substantial proof of the affair. There are a few options you can explore, like putting a VAR in her car and/or a place in the home where she maybe spends time on the phone chatting people up. You can look for a private investigator to have her followed, although since this may be a workplace affair, not sure how good a PI can be here. Either way, this isn't a court of law. You don't have to have incontrovertible proof that she is having an affair. You can then confront her on her shit and she will lie, because the Cheater's Handbook requires that a cheater lie, lie and lie some more, especially during the initial confrontation(s). Then you decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to stay married to a cheater who has replaced you with a kid half her age?

I did talk to my wife last night , I asked her why she always seems so angry with me all the time . She didn't say anything very specific. I also asked her if she had anything she wanted to tell me . She said no .

I did order 2. VARs from Amazon. They will be delivered today at my work.

I guess I should also add that during the summer, she was literally gone 9 weekends in a row. Sometimes she has to stay overnight at her work. She would leave Friday morning and come home Sunday afternoon.

I complained about it , told her that I feel that we are drifting apart .

Both of my waywards (exWH and exWBF) cheated on me with people they knew through work (colleagues or clients). So their affairs were pretty easy to hide - they had legitimate reasons to spend time with these people both during and outside of work hours.

I think the VAR is a good idea. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.