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My husband made a pact to work on our marriage. He now answers my calls, calls me through out the day and has been less angry about life in general. Yet, his past discretions have caused me to fall into a state of depression and I have aneixty attacks. How do you guys pull through to work on your relationship when you have built walls to protect your heart and are suffering from depression and anxiety. I am seeing a therapist, but I don't take the medication. I tried it made me loopy and I am not someone who likes to take any medication. I started working out again and I feel like that does help. But I am still stuck on the how do we work on this relationship, if I feel so guarded all the time?

You’ve earned the right to be as guarded as you need or want.

Sounds like your husband has started the work — but it takes time for him to continue the work and earn some level of trust.

Getting to vulnerable and lowering those shields was the toughest step for me, and it didn’t really start to happen until my wife worked hard to be safe for TWO YEARS!

Some of us never get back to vulnerable, but I found it to be a much healthier option for the M, once I was ready to choose.

In other words, you’re not stuck, you’re normal.

It takes time and consistent actions.

My wife and I sort of look back on it now as little, incremental baby steps back into the relationship. A WS has trouble getting to vulnerable too, because they feel like no matter what they do, it will not help (and sometimes that is true).

Be kind to yourself, you’re recovering from major trauma.

Keep working out, set the boundaries you need and observe the changes he has made and see if they are temporary or real.

You’ll know more about how you want to emotionally reinvest in your M based on the work you both do.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:45 PM, Thursday, January 26th]

Hi BrokenAngel.

Oldwounds has given you great advice. Be kind and patient with yourself. R is hard, even if both partners are 100% all in. If D-day was anywhere close to your join date, you're also very early in all of this. This isn't something that just goes away if you want it badly enough. You don't really have any choice but to go through it to get to the other side. Feeling guarded right now is totally natural. You, very rationally, do not feel safe with your husband. Vulnerability is incredibly difficult with someone you don't feel safe with. What else is he doing to make you feel safe? Is he being vulnerable with you and digging into his WHYs?

I'm glad you're exercising. I credit exercise as one of the reasons I was able to stay "somewhat" balanced throughout my entire ordeal. I say "somewhat" because although I think I did alright looking back, when I was in it it felt like a rollarcoaster. I most certainly did not FEEL alright.

Have you been trialed on more than one medication? There are a ton of different types of antidepressant/anti-anxiety meds and they all work slightly differently in our brains. What works for some people will not work for other people. It can also take several weeks before the efficacy of the drug kicks in. It's not like you take it one day and BOOM, all your troubles go away. It's just one piece in the larger puzzle. If you are experiencing clinical level symptoms of anxiety and depression however, they are likely acting as impediments to your ability to deal with the rest of the shitstorm.

You mention you are seeing a therapist. That's great. Is your husband? Talking through my feelings (and hearing my husband do the same) really helped me process all of it, which was necessary to move beyond it. My husband definitely did not have the tools at the outset to work through all his thoughts and emotions and shame. IC was really useful for him for working out those details.

In order for reconciliation to be even the slightest bit successful you both need to make that pact to work on your marriage. Yes he may have been the one to destory and break the marriage and yes he will need to do most of the leg work but you will need also meet him there. If he puts in 70% then you will need to put in the other 30%. Its not easy putting in the effort from your side because the anger does sometimes overcome you and all you will feel like doing is just making him suffer. I had alot of anger in me.

I could have easily written your post coming up to around 6 years ago. I too had suffered from panic and anxiety attacks. Never suffered them to this nature but I couldnt control them. Depression naturally came with it. I did get a supply of antidepressants from the doctors but I decided not to rely on them. I tried meditation with some mellow music in the background. I also went jogging to clear my head. That helped alot. I did a lot of reading and also went for long drives. I liked walking and being alone too rather than being surrounded by family who knew everything about it. I did not attend any weddings or parties or any functions of any sort. Just couldnt face all the happiness being spread while I was in a state or depression. It was a very very difficult time.

Its a good thing to feel guarded. You work on your relationship each day at your own pace. Sometimes you will have good days and most of the time bad days but you pick yourself up and you try again.

If you are in the early stages as youve registred quite new I would post on just found out first. Reconciliation is hard work especially if you dont have the full story and theres still gaps in his timeline. Please do not rugsweep meaning brush it under carpet and wait for it to all be over. This method does not work and most likely he will end up falling back into infidelity. He will need to prove to you that he can be a safe partner and he will need to give you complete transparency of all communication devices.

Dealing with a betrayal is an extremely difficult thing to go through. Its the hardest thing I had to go through but then so is reconciliation. I still am in reconciliation and I dont think I can ever forget the torture i went through. Its extremely difficult.

If you would like please do share your full story. This community is amazing. You dont need to take everyones advice. If people are harsh then they are only watching out for you because they know exactly what youre going through. Weve been through betrayal and whether it is through seperation, divorce or reconciliation some of us have seen the light at the other end of the tunnel.

I've read your past posts. You should be guarded. He's a serial cheater,and former inmate,of many years.

Right now,you should be working on yourself, and watching his actions.

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

He now answers my calls, calls me through out the day and has been less angry

This is not the work. This is being a basically decent person. Answering the phone when you,his wife,calls,and calling you are crumbs. This does not make him a safe partner. Being less angry is good..but he shouldn't be angry towards you at all.

What else is he doing?

Is he in therapy, to adjust to life outside of prison,and to figure out why he cheated?

Was he tested for stds?

Is he fully transparent? Do you have full access to all accounts and the phone? Passwords included?

Does he answer your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Has he dropped all friends who knew he was out cheating,but didn't tell you?

Is he accountable for his time,when away from you?

Is he digging deep into his issues and working on them?

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:43 PM, Friday, January 27th]