SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Just over a week ago I blundered across messages on WH ipad from what is clearly an escort of some sort being visited 2-3 times a month since at least July of this year.(His phone text messages are synced with his iPad but they delete at the 6 month mark.) We are nearly 60. He retired a year ago. We have been married 32 years. I stayed home for most of it raising 3 kids. I have a college degree and have worked off and on as money got tight. But my earning potential is nil given that I gave up my career to take care of kids. I work now, but my income is hourly and not enough to support myself and the pension is nominal and not enough to support 2 places. We do have equity in the house we have lived in 25 years, and other assets but its tight. He got a consulting job out west just for extra income and we rented a second home there. But recently he lost that job. So the lease is up Feb 1st.I frankly want to go out there by myself and just take some time to process this all. But we can't afford it. I spent the week gathering tax records, insurance policies, checking account information and all his passwords (he keeps a spreadsheet). I am simply reeling. I don't know how long this has been going on, nor with how many people. I don't see any other messages from anyone else. I don't even know what I am going to do. I don't even know what I WANT to do. I told my mom and sister, both of whom have gone through divorces. Both said sit tight for now because divorce sucks and being alone sucks worse. I think that advice sucks! I was thinking I could catch him at the place he goes to meet "LiLi", get a picture of his car at the place? It's likely some sort of massage parlor within 20 minutes of my house. We had a sex life, it wasn't great though, he battles impotency with bad circulation. But he is in my bed. I can't feign a headache forever. I can sort of gather the place he goes is nearby based on the amount of time between when he books his "appointment". But the thought of him continuing to go makes me sick. And speaking of sick, about a decade ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer - I am in full remission. I do not need stress to cause a recurrence. This is not how I envisioned kicking off my retirement. His brother is separated from his wife because she recently found out he was cheating. This week I raised the conversation and he said it was HER fault for making the brother feel not wanted. WH told me I made him feel the same, all the time. He said he stays gone so much for so many years because he feels like I hated him. I sat home taking care of kids while he ran around and played. And somehow its my fault. This will get fully turned on me, I see it coming. All input welcome.

[This message edited by geewhiz at 2:14 PM, Monday, January 9th]

Geewhiz,

I do not know either of you but I do know that what he's doing/done is the worst thing anyone can do to someone they are supposed to love. When I found out my husband was cheating I was broken because I'd committed to cooking for an abused women's retreat and had no energy whatsoever. I'll never forget what the lady running the retreat said to me when they asked for my input on something and I said I didn't really have the right to speak to them about abuse because I hadn't gone through that. The response? "He risked your health and cheating is absolutely abuse". I hadn't considered it that before but it is. With respect to your family... being alone does not suck more than being in a miserable marriage. Thankfully, your children are older (I assume they're out of the house based on the ages you mentioned) and will not suffer the same as if they were there. Being alone can be great! You do not deserve this and you do not have to live your life miserable because being alone may be hard. If you can't afford to leave the marriage I can only imagine how stuck you feel. All I can say is that being alone is not as bad as people can make it sound. I can promise you it's better than watching the person you love twist the knife over and over. You deserve better than this and I really hope you find a way to be happy for yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Thanks for your response. And I know that feeling you mention, just not an ounce of energy. I am sorry for what you are going through as well. I know that we will all find happiness again someday.

Typical cheater - blame the betrayed spouse.

So sorry for you.

Is there a recommended plan of action to confront? Document? What are suggested next steps? I can't seem to find a search function in here?

Nothing you did or didn't do in your M caused him to cheat. Sorry you are here. Get tested for STD's. Accept no blame. Take care of you. Protect yourself financially. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Always value yourself. You deserve a faithful partner you can trust.

As far as confronting him:

Be calm. Tell him you know he is cheating. Cheaters lie. A lot. Give him one chance to come clean. Do not beg or plead. Be firm. Do not argue when he attempts to deflect or minimize. Good luck.

IDK what kind of marriages your mom and your sister had, but I would rather be homeless than live the life I used to. I would rather be beaten than lied to over and over again as at least with a beating you know what is happening. Seriously, I almost lost my job and my ability to earn a living due to the emotional toll his cheating and continual lies did to me - it was so profoundly abusive and soul crushing and and and...LONELY. My username was devised about 6 months after I had found out about the A, and as I later found out during 1 year of false R (the A stopped for 3 days after I discovered it and then he went back and kept hiding it). I was incredibly LONELY and still in my horrible relationship with a cheater. I am MUCH less lonely now (and still very broke) - I sleep much better and I don't worry about being lied to all the time. It's better. NO comparison better.

I would advise you to investigate your earning potential further AND start doing the math re: what you would have if you split up. Talk to a lawyer and get some advice. This is NOT because you must divorce - it's to make yourself Plan A. You have to think of yourself first and find yourself an option to leave if you feel you need to for your own sanity. This infidelity roller-coaster is not for the faint of heart. Look out for yourself - you are worth it.

Confront is not the word.

Clearing the air is your approach. You sit with your cheating spouse and say:

You deserve respect

We both are charged with being honest with each other

Lying about things only makes a situation worse

Then you inform you know about the cheating. You don’t say how (never reveal your sources b/c then they are erased or disappear).

Ask what the cheater’s mindset is - do they want to reconcile and remain in a monogamous marriage or not.

You then ask how they plan to repair the damage they caused by cheating. And you sit and listen.

If the cheater days "they don’t know what they want" — the path going forward is simple. You start the 180 and stop being the loving caring spouse. You can kick him out of your bedroom or out if your house if you choose. You can file for D or meet with a few D attorneys.

Best thing you can do is get yourself some counseling. Someone to support you during this process.

If the cheater refuses to go to counseling, I would view that as a red flag. Because to figure out the "why" and to get to the root of why the cheater thought it was ok to cheat, a professional is needed.

Don’t agree to marriage counseling at this point either. It’s a waste of time and effort to try to fix a marriage with a broken lying cheating spouse. It’s like trying to stop a raging fire with one bucket of water so to speak.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:59 PM, Monday, January 9th]

Also when he tried to blame you, you stand up to him.

You tell the Cheater that nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. If he really thought you disliked him or hated him, then he should have spoken to you about it. Or gotten a D before cheating.

He could have suggested marriage counseling, a couples retreat or a regular conversation where he tells you how he feels. Cheating NEVER was the right choice which is why he snuck around. He knew it was wrong. But did it anyway.

Clearly life isn’t so bad as he is still with you. It’s just something cheaters say to justify the affair.

Never, never, never take responsibility for something you did not do. You did not make him cheat. The best thing people can do when they are confronted by utter stupidity is to leave. I don’t mean the house I just mean the room. Also NO, the word NO, is a full sentence. When he starts that crap say with a loud NO or you can say STOP. Either way you don’t have to try to make excuses because there are no reasons for him to cheat. Trying to reason with a cheater is like spitting into the wind.

Thanks for the replies and support everyone. What an absolute mess. I am waiting to have that conversation with him, as yet he doesn't know that I know. I am trying to gather everything I can together beforehand, getting my ducks in a row. I like the idea that "No", is a full sentence. I know for sure he will blame me so I need to shut that down.

You are absolutely NOT responsible for your WH's cheating. We protect what we value. When your WH claims that you somehow MADE him do these things, what he's saying essentially is that his values are predicated on your behavior! Think about that for a minute. What he's saying is that he's a big, fat nothingburger inside whose values are determined by YOUR actions. Integrity is about what we do when no one else is looking. Character is about the relationship between our values and our deeds. This guy claimed that he believed in monogamy and fidelity when he made his vows of faithfulness to you. But clearly, he does not. We don't have a "but..." in our core values. There's no exceptions in our truest beliefs. What he's saying is, "I believe in Fidelity, but... only if my spouse does what I want." That's no fidelity at all. That's no belief at all.

Cheating is about the cheater. It's never about us.

((hugs))

VERY powerful Chamomile - this makes SO much sense. He is one of many children, and the youngest in the lineup. He never got much attention growing up, nor did his brother who also cheated on his spouse. He has needed a lifetime of "attaboys". It's exhausting.
Your ideas are personally motivating to me too. It's saying that I control my own happiness. Just damn. I love this. Thanks for reaching out.

Geewhiz,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Prepare for the talk. Have your notes ready and try to stay on topic. He may try to steer the direction towards blaming you and swearing he has been unhappy for years (common cheater talk). Determine if you want to reveal your sources as they will dry up after confrontation. It’s always interesting to see if they will confess or only admit to their actions or just cop to the facts presented to them. Having them lie directly to you is sickening and heart breaking, gas lighting at its best.

Bring a recording device so you can refer to it later for clarity. Often they deny statements made in the heat of this moment.

Remember you don’t need to make any hard decisions right now. You will go over this conversation again and again and they pain will be intense. Find a therapist or friends IRL to help you talk this through.

Take care of you. Hydrate, eat healthy meals and hopefully get some sleep.

Wishing you well today.

What is your plan if he starts saying he’s NOT cheating?

You can just end the conversation and walk away with a "I asked you for the truth" exit line.

You can just let him dig the hole deeper but just keep telling him "you know he’s cheating".

You can stop him in his charade and tell him you know he’s cheating and you have proof but you are not obligated to tell him how you got the proof. You can reference "you said this (fill in the blanks here) to the OW".

Read up on the 180. If he’s going to lie and try to bury this, you have nothing to work with.

He is one of many children, and the youngest in the lineup. He never got much attention growing up, nor did his brother who also cheated on his spouse. He has needed a lifetime of "attaboys". It's exhausting.

This is a set of sad circumstances, for sure, but it is NOT an excuse for cheating.

My BF grew up in similar circumstances. His alcoholic father took him and his three brothers from their mother; manipulation of the court system was involved. The brothers were split among their father's siblings to be raised. Mt BF's father died when the brothers were relatively young, and after they boys were shipped to the various aunts and uncles, they never saw or spoke to their father again. My BF, the youngest, was not wanted by any of his aunts or uncles, and one aunt agreed to take him in. He had a miserable childhood. He was treated like the help, never got any affirmations, and was not told by the man that raised him that he was proud of my BF until shortly before he passed. My BF's relationship with his aunt, who insists on being referred to as his "mother" is strained and dysfunctional. She's NOT a nice person, but she demands that they speak on his birthday, major holidays, etc. Needless to say, he minimizes his contact with her.

My BF has never cheated once in his life. He has divorced two WWs, and was a single father to his own four sons. He is trustworthy, steady, reliable, and has a strong enough character to never even consider cheating. His faith and fidelity are simply part of who he is.

So don't let your WH feed you a pile of fertilizer that YOU caused the A. His own lack of character caused the A. Don't you think that if you could have caused the A, you would have prevented it? Of course you couldn't, and of course you would have. These were HIS bad choices and he needs to OWN them. Blaming the BS for the A is some weak tea. If he tries to play that card, treat that statement with the distain that it deserves. It's not only absurd, it's pathetic.

BTW, life after D'ing a WS can be WONDERFUL. You're finally 100% in charge of your own life, and you can make it whatever you want it to be. Want to dive back into a career? Do it. You want to live a small life in a little house down on the coast of Florida? Do it. You want to get an RV and a PO box, go off the grid, and spend the rest of your life travelling? Do it!

You have already kicked cancer's ass. You can get through this too. I, and I bet everyone else here, KNOWS you can do it. We know that it feels so impossible right now. We felt that way too, each in our own way, at one point in time. It's not like anyone ever goes, "Yay! My spouse is a cheating abusive self-centered jerk!" but we get through it and most of the time, we end up with lives that look like nothing we ever expected, but they are built to be exactly want WE want.

Hi @geewhiz I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. It won't be easy but you will need to have that conversation with your H as to what you've found out.
I also suggest you don't rush to make any major decisions and do consider IC for yourself to help you through this period.

Please remember that no matter what has happened, YOU are worthy of love that can be trusted. Praying the near future brings you strength and wisdom for all you need to do.

Geewhiz,

I agree with the advice everyone has given you. I would like to add to it and say that you should not be afraid. Yes he will blame you. Nearly always they blame the BS for something. We all know you are not the reason for his betrayal so do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and to shut him down when he even mentions it. Youve got this. Gather all the evidence and be strong and confident. He cant deny it anymore. Be careful of the mind games and all the excuses they come up with. I wont lie to you it will be tough. Probably the hardest thing youve ever done. It will definitely take you out of your comfort zone. You wont want to hear some of the truths but you will need to. You will have to ask some of the most awkward conversations and dig deep into finding how long etc. Just remember to stay calm. Controlling emotions is difficult and its easier said than done. I found it difficult to control my emotions. I became a person i did not recognise. Best thing is to remain calm. Also being single and lonely is far better than living with someone who makes a fool out of you. Who knows how long he has been doing it for and he thinks he has gotten away with it.

Be strong. Youve got this. Youre not going to let him walk all over you and blameshift everything on you.

geewhiz -

Checking in on you. Have you spoken to him yet, or are you still in discovery phase of gathering the evidence? I know you may feel tethered to this marriage due to financial reasons, however your husband is in a similar position. He can get his ish together or come out of retirement. I always recommend consulting with a few attorneys even if divorce is the farthest thing on your mind. Knowledge is power and it can’t hurt, only protect you. I hope that you are ok and will keep posting.