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Reconciliation :
Something that I don’t understand about Wayward triggers and how a BS deals with them

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

I keep reading replies where they refer to "triggers" on both sides. What does a WS trigger about and why should a BS care? I know darned well that I need to care but really why should I care if my FWH triggers?!

What kinds of triggers are you talking about?

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8771915
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

I can't really speak for WS. But, I remember that my FWH experienced a fairly traumatic response when he wrote up the timeline in early days. He had the same kind of physical symptoms that I was experiencing, with shallow breathing and racing heart, etc.

Further along, he would mentioned that he felt triggered when we encountered the OBS and OW. We had a plan for how we would response, but he would become a deer in the headlights and need a moment to execute the plan. Being anxious about how the OBS would respond, etc.

For me, the way he responded felt a bit reassuring to me. It let me know that he understood what he choose was WAY wrong and that he needed to be extra careful not to go down that path again.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 9:01 PM, Tuesday, January 3rd]

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 472   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8771916
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

If you're in R, caring about your WS's triggers is important, because in R you both provide emotional support for each other. It can take a while to get there, though.

My W used to trigger on any TV show or movie that depicted cheating. WSes are human, too - why shouldn't they trigger on some horrible aspects of life?

Do you truly want to R? R is not the only honorable response to being betrayed....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8772056
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

What does a WS trigger about and why should a BS care?

I can't speak for every WS...but for my H...when he would see something about cheating on TV he would get triggered. My H abhorred cheaters...he couldn't stand to hear about them. He didn't think what he did was cheating...because he wasn't "in love" with his adultery co-conspirator...he just had sex with her rolleyes . He told me that he thought that cheating was something that happened when coworkers fell in love and then made love...office affair type stuff duh . After the rationalization ended...and the realization of what he was became clear...he HATED being a part of THAT club.

I didn't care at all...at first. He did this to himself...and I admit I felt some glee when I saw him get triggered. It was only a fraction of the triggers I had...but these triggers were done TO me...not done BY me like his were.

I know darned well that I need to care but really why should I care if my FWH triggers?!

This part comes when you decide to R. In order for R to be successful...BOTH parties have to be ALL IN. As a couple...we CARE about each other...and want to HELP our partner in their troubles. When I started wanting a happy and healthy M with my H...it was only then that I knew I had to CARE for him as his wife. It took several years...but once WE started CARING for the well being of each other...we knew we were on the right path to R smile .

What kinds of triggers are you talking about?

Ironically...a trigger came up today for both of us when we were reading our daily "One Thing" email from Awesome Marriage. It wrote about how when the couple are seeking God that everything seems to fall into place. My H told me on Dday that he felt that God CONDONED what he did because everything just fell into place like it was meant to be. When I heard this on Dday...I got so ANGRY at God...and I lost my faith crying . It wasn't until several discussions about his A over the next few weeks that I realized God was putting up roadblocks all over the place...but my H was determined to go through with having NSA sex with a stranger...and he was plowing through everything in order to achieve HIS plan...not God's!

When the trigger came up this morning...I was able to quickly overcome it...but my H hung his head sad . We had a good discussion about it though smile . We ended up BOTH feeling better because we can see for ourselves that when we put God FIRST...everything TRULY falls into place grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6615   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8772179
Topic is Sleeping.
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