SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A bit of backstory to understand how I got to here. It’s a long read but hopefully you all will understand.

Some background: This is my second marriage his first. He was engaged twice before me. We were together a few years before he proposed to me in 2012. Things were great until my dad’s cancer came back, followed by his mom getting diagnosed with the same in 2013. (bladder). We had to move the wedding a couple of times due to treatments, when we finally said our I do’s in late 2014, my father was unable to attend. (it was a destination wedding) I was devastated. Less than a month later, he passed. It was rough those few years after that. It took me a while but I finally got counseling. His mother survived her surgery and treatment. They said it was gone only for it to come back. (I think she always had it). Our sex life was nonexistent. I tried and tried to no avail. He always blamed it on something.

Fast forward to Summer 2019 and I get my own devastating news. I was having headaches. I went for an MRI... Brain tumor. I'm scheduled to have surgery. I survived, obviously, to only find out it was brain cancer. Chemo, Radiation, followed at the end of the year. I was good until I needed a biopsy in summer 2021 I'm still considered stable, but it can come back at any time. My husband was a saint through it all. Oddly enough I didn't get into a deep depression until I had to have the biopsy. I didn't want to do anything. I slept a lot after work. While this was going on his mom was getting worse. He was flying down or driving. There were also issues with his family that belong on another thread, but non the less added to the stress. Sept 2021 he has a breakdown after seeing a therapist, tells me he can't watch me wait to die. He’s crying when he talks to me. He said he needed to set boundaries with me and his family. That it wasn't my fault because he never said anything to me. (I've yet to know what those are). Said that if he needs to just support me as a friend, (I can’t remember what he said after that because it wasn’t registering after that) Well, that was my wake-up call. I got my shit together and started doing more around the house and being more active. I’ve even lost a few pounds from treatment. I thought we were moving in the right direction.

At the end of September his mother passed. It was an odd time. No funeral or anything. His stepdad said we’d do a celebration of life ceremony. (Hasn’t happened) He has yet to go back to therapy, (some bullshit about insurance) We did couples counseling once, which I’ve recently asked if we could go back, he says "maybe". What the eff, maybe.

Which leads me to this... If you are still here I commend your patience. (My brain is all over the place and it’s worse when I’m stressed). I am the account holder for our cell phone bill. I have no idea what made me look, but I did. What I saw was dozens and dozens of calls back and forth to one particular number. Some short some long, some multiple times a day. The longest was 136 minutes. It's always when I'm at work or out. I also think he visited her last month instead of seeing his friend. I know who it is, it's a long ago ex gf who is recently divorced. (I did a reverse look up and used her number to get all of her info). This was all March 2022.

Fast forward, July he said he was going to Orlando, I found out via the phone he was in Tennessee to see her.

He got a job and a work phone so I’ve lost all hopes of getting tangible info until November 12, 2022—something told me to go look at his work phone. And I did. Finally it was there. I didn’t even have to dig for it! The kicker, the name is under the AP’s sons name not even hers!!! You could see how intimate they were. Emotional Affair, phone sex, etc,. I was devastated. It’s taken me this long to get the courage because with my brain cancer it makes everything that much more difficult to deal with! My brain shuts down. But it’s now a couple of days after Christmas and I can’t go on much longer. How do I confront?? I know I need to do it soon, but I’m terrified!!

I know they communicate in some form, daily.

Thanks for listening.

S.

[This message edited by Siomha at 5:57 AM, Wednesday, December 28th]

Wow! So, so sorry you are here. There will be many good people along to help as they can. My heart goes out to both of you for all the loss and pain. I feel a deep sadness as to your last reveal. Cannot fathom the trauma you feel. Be strong as you can. Try to find the stillness in your heart and mind to see each day through. You've done nothing wrong, this is strictly on him. Hopefully you were able to screen shot the texts as proof.

I recommend you immediately seek out IC to cope with and unpack all this pain. I dont know you or all your circumstances, but I would write this all down, what you've discovered and get set with physical evidence to talk with him. It's obvious when it was happening. When he'd talked to you about supporting you as a friend.

Its hard on everyone involved, coping with the loss of loved ones, especially to such an illness, yet its no excuse to cheat on your partner.

I'm not sure of the next suggestion though. Do you know if the woman is married? If so I would contact the AP's husband to let him know of all this. This takes away your WH's ability to gaslight and lie so much. After the call is when id sit him down and calmly confront. No need for him to know how you know, that you do. That you've already spoken to the APs husband (sure he will know if in contact still). If you want the marriage to continue, this is time to get religion and give the whole, even if it hurts, truth! Remember, do not allow yourself to be manipulated into believing it was an accident, never meant it to go this far, he was lonely, etc. He chose of his own freewill to do this. You can never fault yourself for any of this. Cheaters always minimize, deflect and they LIE, LIE AND LIE MORE.

I'm not inside your heart and mind. You've been through so much in your life and coping with your own illness now. Talk to your Dr about the issue and any anxiety you have for meds that could help if needed. Only you can decide where this goes. Its your life and you have the right to decide what you want.

Many blessing to you and sending comfort and peace to you.

[This message edited by Dagrump at 1:05 PM, Wednesday, December 28th]

First off, thank you for your kind words. It has been a roller coaster ride for sure.

She is divorced. Although I do have her ex husband’s Facebook information. I know they are still in communication because of the kids. Both paint this rose colored life which is bullshit.

I do have a behavioral oncologist, who I have talked to about this, but not the recent stuff of me actually finding the proof. I do have screenshots. I was brave and just printed them out a while ago.

I find myself sometimes dissociating and just trying to exist. But I know this can’t go on. I think about how many times he got angry with me when I would ask him questions. All the times he lied, and I’m just sick over it. How he can actually be two people in one body is crazy to me.

[This message edited by Siomha at 5:26 PM, Wednesday, December 28th]

I just finished up chemo for breast cancer and will be doing radiation starting next week. Chemo brain is real, I get it.

I read something when I first starting this shitty journey that often oncologists discuss the possibility (likelihood, really) of a cancer patient's husband cheating on her while she's going through the worst thing in her life. My WH cheated on me while I was grieving my dad's suicide. I have no idea if he's misbehaving now, because after so many DDays, I'm done playing marriage police. Seems so many men just can't handle not being the 100% focus of their partner's attention. Pathetic and weak. If I managed to find out he's cheating again, I'd be donedonedone. It's my insurance, my money, and he provides nothing for me I can't provide for myself. I'd rather go through this battle alone (well, not alone because I have amazing friends and the best kids) than with a person who clearly isn't on my team and doesn't have my best interests at heart, and will emotionally shank me whenever he feels like it.

Reading your story, I don't think you have much to work with marriage-wise, as it seems like it's been iffy for a long time, so I'd focus on what is healthiest for you. Who provides the insurance? If it's his work-based insurance, take that into consideration before making any major moves. YOUR LIFE AND TREATMENT needs to take priority over everything else right now. If it's your insurance, and you are financially sound, the last thing you need is to have this kind of stress right now. Divorce is stressful too, but it has a shelf life. I'm almost 8 years out (from BIG DDay #2, been several smaller ones since), and in my experience, reconciliation (ie trying to pretend your WS isn't still stabbing you in the back, PTSD, mind-movies, distrust) doesn't have a shelf life - it's the gift that keeps on giving year after year.

It's a special kind of scumbag that cheats on his wife while she is battling cancer. Can that sort of person change? My hard-earned money is on NO. So when you confront, do not expose the source of your knowledge, do not offer any hope of reconciliation. IF (big IF) there is any hope of reconciliation, it should come from him, his ACTIONS, not words. Don't believe any crocodile tears, don't fall for any begging or bargaining. Come at this from a place of strength and resolve. Do not do the pick me dance, do not take any blame on yourself, do not try to excuse his behavior because you have been otherwise preoccupied (by trying to not die!)

And let him know that he will be the most despised human on earth once you expose him - cheating on his ill wife. Just ask John Edwards.

I'm so sorry you're here. This is the worst club you should never have had to join. Soon there will be other's far wiser than I, but I'd suggest that you immediately contact a lawyer and find out what a divorce would look like. What your rights are.

Secondly, I'd make sure that you take half of everything in your joint account and move it to a personal one your husband can't access. I'd also either cancel, or remove yourself from all joint credit cards. You have all the evidence you need. Once you're ready to pull the trigger, I would burn his life down. As was pointed out above, ask John Edwards how good it looks to the world to cheat on your seriously ill wife...

...that all being said, get IC as soon as you can. Infidelity is a tremendouc psychic trauma on top of your cancer. You've said you have an independent support system...think about moving your WH out of the marital bed (which he long since seems to have abandoned) and put a lock on the door. Make sure you have a VAR on you at all times that you can activate to record all conversations with him (CYA at all times now).

Look at the pull down menue and in the healing library look up the 180/Gray Rock method and start using it on him. It's not a weapon to make him feel bad, it's a tool to help you begin to center yourself so you can concentrate on your healing and taking care of any children you have (didn't see if you had any or not).

As I said, these are just some preliminary suggestions for you to start tommorrow! Other far wiser people will be along to help and add useful suggestions for you...

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Trapped74 has given you excellent advice, and my heart hurts for her too. It's just so awful to have to deal with cancer on top of infidelity.

I think if it were me, I'd see an attorney and educate myself on my options. I'd also consider getting a medical power of attorney set up with someone I trusted more to make decisions on my behalf if things were to get dicey. It sounds like you both have been under incredible stress, but IMHO, cheating isn't a relationship problem. It's a character problem. Underneath it all, there's nothing inside him which provides a hard stop when it comes to cheating, and if I walk that proverbial mile in your shoes, I can't imagine being vulnerable enough to trust my life to that guy. As things stand, he's exposing you to untold health risks while you're already physically vulnerable if he's having sex with you and also with an AP behind your back. I don't think he can be trusted at this point to have your best interests at heart.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your situation is unrecoverable. Just that it might require a really solid back-up plan.

((big hugs))

Thank you everyone for the kind messages. Wow! I’m overwhelmed with the support!

We don’t have any kids. We live in KY which is a no fault state. He makes over twice as much as me and our accounts have always been separate, something I wanted because I got burned in my first marriage. I also liked my independence and never wanted him to think I was with him for his money. Brain cancer is fucking expensive and right now he pays for most if not all of my brain mri’s, oncologist visits and everything else. Right now I’m currently stable, but with my type it can show up now, 6 months from now or never. If we were to divorce, I’d be fucked. Between rent utilities and everything else—how would I afford treatment if this comes back?

I’ve been to one atty to see my options, which aren’t great. I could get alimony but not for long. They would look at my cancer but I wouldn’t get much more for it.

My main issue right now is how he will keep coming back to, in his eyes me violating his privacy. Yes I did look in his work phone, but he was doing shit to make me go look! He can gaslight like the best of them and turn it around on me but now I have the proof where he can’t deny anymore.

I also want to reach out to the ex husband of the AP. They are in a small town in Tenn. I know it would be bad for folks to find out she knowingly is fucking around with a cancer patients husband. But I don’t know him well enough to start a convo. I don’t want him to think I’m some crazy lady or spill it to his ex, because then she’d tell my husband.

Strength to you: fuck cancer; inform and confront.
One day at a time.

I’m not sure confronting is in your best interest right now.

You need a financial plan to protect yourself.

You need to decide what you want/need to happen in your life. If you cannot afford to D, then that is a big consideration in your options going forward.

Given your circumstances you need to know what decisions you have to make to remain financially stable.

Confronting him (at the right time) may be as simple as "I know you are cheating". You don’t need anything more than that.

Best of luck to you.

My main issue right now is how he will keep coming back to, in his eyes me violating his privacy. Yes I did look in his work phone, but he was doing shit to make me go look! He can gaslight like the best of them and turn it around on me but now I have the proof where he can’t deny anymore.

Any outrage about privacy is simply a diversionary tactic to take the focus off the cheating, so basically, you call him on it and require that he stop changing the subject. If your WH wasn't acting shady, it wouldn't have occurred to you to check up on him anyway, ergo it's the cheating which caused the problem and not you. If the shoe were on the other foot, you can bet your ass he wouldn't be interested in hearing about how you've invaded his privacy.

There's no magic wand you can wave over this mess to preserve the marriage, I think you know that. Even if you were to decide to turn a blind eye to the cheating so as to maintain financial security, there's no guarantee that he won't eventually be the one to file for divorce in order to be with the AP. I'm glad you saw an attorney, and have a good idea of what your options are, but I still think you'd be wise to have a back-up plan on standby.

As far as exposure goes, I might keep my powder dry on that for now, Since the OW isn't currently married, there's not a lot of utility there in terms of pressure to abandon the affair. Later, it might be useful if you've held off long enough to negotiate a better divorce settlement.