SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Polygraph.

Separate IC for you and him.

Read BoundaryBuilder's posts 100 more times.

So sorry he is selfish and deceitful.

This is not remorse, this is shame, and upset he got caught.
He needs STD testing if he is innocent he should jump at the chance to prove it.

I also would not promise him anything right now. You don't have the full truth. Until you do, you know he isn't a safe partner.

For some reason this has brought out the cynic in me. Your husband has other women in his life to the exclusion of you. I don’t know how you put up with that. And by the way, I have a couple of male friends, one I’ve known all my life and the other a husband of a very good friend of mine. We talk maybe once a month and I can do it in front of my husband. So let’s talk about why you put up with this. You are worth so much more than somebody treating you like a second class citizen.

When he "decided he was an alcoholic and completely stopped drinking" did you get help for yourself while dealing with his alcoholism? Did he ever deal with his addiction (AA, counseling, etc.) or did he white knuckle it on his own? Was his addiction rug swept like the first A? I'm wondering this because your response to this SECOND betrayal and his brazen lying and obvious gaslighting is a tepid "counseling at the least." You seem way too willing to be "the giver" here. Maybe there's some imbedded power dynamics in your relationship he's taking advantage of? Does he know how to push your buttons to get what he wants? Jendo, he is definitely "the taker" right now.

So let’s talk about why you put up with this. You are worth so much more than somebody treating you like a second class citizen.

Cooley2here is spot on.

In addition to IC for you, maybe you could look into attending some Al Anon meetings? I'll cadge from the Al Anon website:

"Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic’s behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill."

Please do get IC for yourself ASAP. "Co-dependency" is not a favorite theory because it puts blame on the person victimized by the person with power - trauma bonding is worth delving into. IC will help you sort through all of this. Your personal IC is not about untangling HIM. Let him deal with the consequences of his behavior for a change. IC is to untangle YOU. Time to take back your power.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:52 PM, Friday, December 23rd]

These aren't red flags. You said you know what it looks like. He is gaslighting you. It IS what it looks like.

Schedule the polygraph.

Also..aren't YOU supposed to be his best friend?

He's full of shit.

Yup, big bag of lies, disrespect and poor me attitude.

He's not a reconciliation candidate.