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Divorce/Separation :
How bad does it get?

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 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 3:58 AM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

I am at the stage right before filing. It has been hell. He is a complete asshat. No respect, miserable, nasty, won't do anything around the house. He blames me for everything...well you wanted this divorce. As if that is the reason for his shitty behavior. He is a functioning alcoholic (won't admit it), cheater, gaslighter, manipulator, and pathological liar. I want out so bad and can not fathom having to go through possibly another year of IHS. It is hell. He refuses to leave. I'm seriously considering moving out if it gets worse as my mental health is on the line. I am not close to a good version of myself.

I want to fast forward through the pain. It is so bad right now, and I fear it will get worse after I file because he is a toddler man. Literally talked about me eating the last piece of pecan pie for an hour (said I was so selfish, etc). WTF?? It is crazy making the nut job things he focuses on.

Two of our adult children (one is 17) live in the house and can see the crazy, but also love him dearly because he just turned into a nut job the last 3 ish years. So they have a history and strong bond with him. They do not know so much yet...all the lies. He literally goes to the bar almost everyday when he says he is leaving for work. They do not know about the affairs.

I have worked hard to get my ducks in a row and am overthinking so much. I can not predict what will happen, but have been trying to prepare for a lot of scenarios with attorney. I am emotionally ready to make the jump as it is jumping from raging hell fires into the great unknown. so that makes it easier.

My absolute biggest worry/fear is the kids. Even though they are adults (one is 17)..this will fuck them up so bad. I am sure everyone thinks this, but we had an amazing family. Like it really seemed special. My WH and I used to lead marriage classes at church and now this. I trust I will be okay (probably even better) but am terrified of what this will do to the kids.

So tell me what were the hardest stages of this process? Am I in the thick of it? Did things intensify after filing? What are the top 3 things I should do before filing?

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8766861
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:39 AM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

I really can't quantify the worst things. Divorce just sucks. It's sad and hard and painful and there's no getting around it.

But.

When you're there and ready it is also the best gift you can give to yourself. Life free of a cheater is awesome, so calm and peaceful and free. That's what's at the end of the suck so just hang in there!

As far as what to get in line. Get your finances separated if they aren't already. Draft a separation agreement that details who pays for what. And if you can swing it, absolutely move out. You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel once you're not sharing a roof with him.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8766868
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:15 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

You ASSUME your kids will be negatively impacted.

Is it possible they see the crazy person he has become and would understand the reason you NEED to D?

Just b/c you are not married does not mean the adult children cannot have a relationship with their father. They no longer need you to be the leader if that relationship. They are now in control and they make it work. As does the STBXH.

You don’t need to speak negatively of him to your kids (if you can help it). You encourage their communication with him.

After that, it’s no longer your job to be involved.

A D does not have to destroy your kids. Get some professional advice from a good family counselor. Be proactive. Be prepared.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13947   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766886
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:40 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

kiwilee, it was very sad to read that you and your family are being put through hell because of this man's addiction and mental health issues!

What you describe reads soooo much like my parents' marriage the years before my mother left, and also very similar to my 2 brothers' marriages, both of whom took up drinking in their teens (with a role model like their father, no surprise there.) As our family broke down, each of us 4 children made early marriages; the boys dropped out of high school early to work, got women pregnant and each married at age 18. By age 35 all 4 of us had divorced our cheating spouses! So I've watched how my family has been doing for the last 50 years since our mother bailed out of what appeared to her a hopeless situation with her heavy drinking, mean drunk, unemployed husband. And then he had to change, and he did, but sadly it was too little, too late in many ways.

Perhaps like most alcoholics, my father was so self-absorbed he never anticipated a divorce coming. By 2 years after our mother left and cut off all contact with him, he had drunk himself almost to death and his body "hit bottom." He was told at a hospital he would die if he didn't stop drinking and miraculously, he made the decision to quit booze. He quit drinking to save his own life; however, we realize that he never would have made that decision for my mother or for us. He was too self-focused, even after he quit drinking, through 40 more years of life with good physical health. Despite that gift of extra time, our father was never able to restore the family harmony he had spurned, as our mother had remarried and he chose to play the victimized BS who never got over her leaving him. The legacy of our father's choices had a sad but powerful ripple effect on all of us.

Example: my younger, hard working, hard drinking brother. In 2000, his wife and mother of his 3 children replicated our mother's decision to leave our father. Like our mother, his wife had hung in for 24 years as my brother subjected her to his nasty mouth and alcohol abuse. Last week, at age 67, my brother took himself to hospital to get help with alcohol withdrawal, after he yet again realized he could not stop his drinking. He was admitted but sadly died of a failed liver after a lifetime of drinking too much alcohol. His 3 adult children arrived and cried but we knew why he was on his deathbed. It was with a sense of inevitability they agreed to withdraw life support from their father. I hate that his life ended this way! Unlike them, my memories of this man hark back to a time before he ever touched booze. Years when he was a sweet, earnest and happy kid who worked hard in school - until he started a party lifestyle during his parents' difficult years. It is clear to all of us that the course of his life was directed by his early addiction to alcohol, which I believe was fueled by the pain he carried from losing his family and home as a teen.

So from my perch, I would implore you WH to seek out whatever help might be available that could spark an alcoholic intervention for him, number 1 priority. He is clearly going down a road that will inevitably lead to self-destruction. I know this sounds grim, but his obstinate resistance to getting that kind of addiction help will pull that happy family legacy he helped you build right down the hell hole he is digging. He wouldn't know this now, of course. He will need to see himself sinking and choose to change before it is too late. I pray that isn't the outcome for your family! Is there any organization where he can find such help? Alcoholics Anonymous? He'd have to want to change. Medical? Social services? Psychiatric? Religious? Does he have any friends who could show him some tough love?

Meanwhile, of course you need to take care of your physical and emotional health! You cannot save the family all alone but if you once had a good life together, seems like there is something still worth fighting for? IF he were to quit drinking and IF he were to get his issues sorted out, would it make a difference to you at this stage? As I can so relate, Infidelity is the hardest hurdle to healing marriage, but you can't even work on that rock in the road while his brain is pickled with alcohol.

posts: 2061   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8766903
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 10:33 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

For me, the relief and clarity I felt when I (finally) pulled the plug sustained me through my divorce. I ran circles around my Ex who fell apart during the divorce. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t want to lift a finger to get his shit together, but basically threw himself the world biggest pity party.

My kids were 12, 15 and 17 when I filed. They are now 20, 22 and 25. They are doing fantastic!! They have a strained relationship with their dad but it’s still a relationship. I heard it said on here that it’s better to come from a broken home than live in one. I’ve been a better parent since I divorced because I don’t need to work around my now Ex anymore. I’m more focused and authentic with the children, we have spent hours/days/months talking things through. They are still sad about what went down but that’s okay and normal. But mostly they can see their father with clarity and have low expectations.

You will be fine. The anticipation is the hardest but once you start executing your plans and move forward you will be thrilled by ease of the actual transition. You should discuss your decision with your children without slamming their dad. You can explain that there has been infidelity and deception and it has continued to erode your marriage. I believe children are owed an explanation for these decisions. Big hug. It gets better.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3412   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8766947
Topic is Sleeping.
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