SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have spoken of this before but for some reason I just can't stop thinking about this. My Hs A was with our neighbor/his childhood friends wife. When we talk about his A, he says how he felt alot of guilt and awkwardness during the A, specificly when he was around his AP and his friend/her H. We would see them/hang out with them almost daily. I remember a specific time when we were all together that I keep thinking about. At the time of the A, my husband used to smoke weed. His A partner and her H would invite him to come over to smoke with them frequently. I usually didn't go with him bc I don't smoke. I did however go with him one time during his A but never noticed anything out of the ordinary. He definitely could have just pretended to act normal while with them. He also used to help his friend/ AP H fixing his car and other things.

My question is.. IF HE TRULY FELT GUILT AND AWKWARDNESS WHILE WITH THEM, WHYYY WOULD HE TAKE UP INVITES TO GO OVER THERE? WHY WOULD HE NOT TRY HIS HARDEST TO STAY AWAY FROM THEM BOTH?

How can I ever believe he felt awkward and guilt when he was around them when he was always putting himself in the position to be in their presence? I wish I could believe him yet I dont. What I truly believe is he enjoyed being around them while they held their little secret from us. I truly believe he had no problem being around them. I try to put myself in his shoes but I know I would never be able to be hanging out with my H and the guy I'm cheating with and his wife/AP and act like nothing is wrong.

How can my H or any cheater not feel awkwardness or nervous or guilt while we all were together. It's sick and I cant understand. Opinions????

I wish I could help, but I don’t understand that either. It doesn’t make sense to me.

That said, some of the things my husband has said about how he felt during his affair don’t make sense to me either, even when I’m pretty sure he’s telling the truth. I think there’s only so far you can go when it comes to understanding the thought processes involved in betrayal.

I hope you find peace and some level of understanding. It’s a hard process.

My H has repeatedly said that he was "trying to end it" or "planning to end it" with his 3rd online AP (the one I discovered before the truth started unraveling).

Yet, when the 3rd AP sent screenshots of their communication from only days before, he was consistently the instigator of the flirting and often the one initiating communication. He was often ramping up the flirting and sexual comments, while her replies were more measured or neutral.

I asked him (many times), if you wanted to end it, why not just ghost her? (She was long distance, not someone he knew IRL, and she didn't even have his phone #--but communicated only through Messenger in FB).

He said he "didn't want to hurt her feelings" and was "planning to drift away slowly." His actions do not match that at all. Yet, he seems to believe that it was his intent and plan to end it.

This is what I think:
I think he does believe he was planning to end it.
I think there was extreme dissonance between his thinking & his actions in general (believing he loved me and was "dedicated to our marriage"...yet cheating on me with 3 different women online both emotionally and sexually). So, his plan to end it, while also initiating communication, was yet another clash between his thinking and his actions.

I think he didn't allow himself to see the dissonance.

So, I do think it's possible for thoughts, emotions, and actions to be mismatched.

I think the huge brain chemical feel-good draw to the affair regularly over-rode his weak intentions to stop the affair.

He said he "didn't want to hurt her feelings" and was "planning to drift away slowly." His actions do not match that at all. Yet, he seems to believe that it was his intent and plan to end it.

I've heard this from my WH so many times! After D-Day #1 in March, he said it was going to be hard to ghost her. She was hurting and wanted "closure" and a "soft landing." I kept telling him that a dumpster fire doesn't deserve any of that. It deserves to burn until it burns itself out. That's what the two of them would have to do, apart from each other. Apparently they both thought they could remain "friends" and stayed in contact (by phone and a few meet-ups in public "just to talk"). Right. D-Day #2 was less than two weeks ago. Again, he told me she was "damaged and hurting" and he thought he could help her and help me at the same time. Nope! Not possible. I always felt like he wasn't giving enough time, focus or attention to me and a possible R. Now I know why. He was trying to juggle both.

Why does a WH not just end all contact despite saying they feel guilty and awkward? I think it's simple: Because they don't want to. Whether it's still sexual or not, they still like the high they get from being around their AP. It's like a sick addiction. And in my WH's case, he doesn't want anyone to end up hating him. In the case of his particular A, that's not possible. The AP is a needy attention whore who always plays the victim. Her daughter treats her badly, her BH is angry and distant since he found out about the A (from a message I sent him). So she clung to WH for "support" and to "feel loved." He played right into that because his ego won't allow him to be disliked by anyone. He told me last week (and again in our MC session) that he's finally realized that someone will end up hating him. And if that's the case, he'd rather it be her and not me.

I'm carefully watching his actions. I've heard it all before. But I think the bottom line on why they don't just ghost their APs is because they really don't want to. They'll find some way to get that high. It's sick and twisted.

A lot of times, a WS's actions and their words simply do not align. When that is the case, go with their actions. I suspect that your WH actually enjoyed the sneaking around and pulling the wool aspect of the affair. However, that reality makes them look like a terrible person - because they are acting like a terrible person.

I'll give you an example of this:

I once had the "privilege" of knowingly being in the presence of a triangle. I worked a summer job at an educational camp. It wasn't uncommon for the adults to hook up with one another after hours. All of the people in this story were in their late 20's, early 30's. Two of the teachers got pretty close. One was a friend of mine (male) and he was single. The other was a woman I didn't quite care for (my own biases I'm sure) who had a long term boyfriend. They started hooking up. At one point, her boyfriend came to town to visit and my friend (the AP) told her he didn't want to meet the guy or be in his presence; he had qualms about what they were doing and had a "don't ask, don't tell" approach.

Well, the WGF seemed to get a kick out of the idea of two men being into her. So, she brought her boyfriend to a gathering that she knew her AP would be attending and introduced them. It was awkward AF. Her boyfriend seemed to a nice guy and was clueless, my friend, the AP, felt like a shitbag and left shortly after.

I remember the WGB gleefully saying to me that BF is clueless and AP is mad, she is expecting them to break out into fistycuffs any minute! I was pretty disgusted and made some comment to her that I thought it was kind of cruel to put them in that position.

I'm sure that had her boyfriend caught her, the story she spun would have been different. That she felt guilty, that she was uncomfortable, etc. Heck, when my friend (her AP) dumped her shortly after this she acted like a victim. However, Waywards get off on the attention. That someone would risk so much to be with them. Trust your gut and your husband's actions.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:13 PM, Wednesday, November 23rd]