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Just Found Out :
Didn't Exactly "Just Find Out", But 2+ Weeks Later It Certainly Feels Like It


 rogertheshruber (original poster new member #82400) posted at 9:33 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Hello all,
I'm glad I discovered this site the other day. I've wanted to seek advice from people with similar experiences online, and also just to make a statement for my own mental health in the hopes it might help me unscramble my brain and emotions, even if only slightly. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've been with my partner since October of 2014, when we were 19. She was my first, and has remained my only over the last 8 years. We met online, the day I intended to delete my dating profile out of frustration. She was a 96% match, the highest I had ever seen. We connected instantly, and had a lot in common regarding interests and worldviews (so I thought). When we met, she had recently moved back from out of state, where she had briefly lived with an ex she previously only knew online. Contrarily, I had never had a girlfriend, let alone been on a date or kissed a girl - no baggage on my part except my own self-esteem and loneliness. At the time, I was astoundingly naïve. I figured, hey she's been single for 3 months, she must be over it by now, right? Over the next few months we became official, and I fell for her, hard. Despite her saying the same, and often acting like it, there was always something in my mind telling me she didn't want to be with me and I was forcing it - maybe she pitied me, I wasn't sure. I just knew I loved her. On one of our early dates as an official couple, we took LSD together (again, 20 and dumb). She became very emotional and talking about her ex, how she lost her best friend and how hard it was. She informed me they had just gone no-contact after trying to be texting friends since she had returned 5 months before. This to me was incredibly devastating as I would have hoped our relationship would have been more forefront in her mind, and I also had just assumed they were already no-contact (NAIVE!).

In any case, despite these red flags, the relationship grew and we became so close. We were together all the time, we talked constantly and deeply and always laughed together. We had an incredible sex life that just got better and better over the years. She doesn't drive, so I was able to help her in that respect (something that has persisted the entire relationship). I drove the U-Haul when she and her family moved, and practically lived over there. Over time however, her anger and mental issues began to show themselves - beginning with her randomly kicking me out of her house screaming at 3 AM. Despite this, I endeavored to fight for her, and help her. We had some low-stakes hard times early on, questioning things, etc. But we always worked it out and I assumed it would always be that way and we'd go stronger together.

A year+ into our relationship, her phone went off with a text from her ex. I couldn't read it, but she just said "ugh, I hate him" - obviously I didn't believe this and I talked to her about how it made me uncomfortable. At this point we were planning on moving into our own apartment together. She said she understood and that she was just his friend and she felt bad for him cause he was lonely or something. A few weeks later, she was on her phone and thought I saw what she was doing, but I didn't. She said "I only called him that because he called me a fuckgirl the other day" and I was like "What?" and she said "Oh, I thought you saw me call him a fuckboy before I turned the phone away". I was a little suspicious, but I didn't want to fight and I decided to trust her.

Fast forward a few weeks to her 21st birthday. We spent the day with her mom and brother, drinking of course. She made several references to when she "lived on her own" and "cleaned their apartment all day", just irrelevant stuff. I grew suspicious because as the day went on, she grew increasingly absorbed in her phone. She passed out early in the night and I couldn't resist - I had to check. Of course, she had been texting the ex all day, flirting, reminiscing. Particularly painful was their reminiscing about playing strip-beer pong together and her just saying "you stop!;)". Naturally I flipped the hell out. Almost broke up with her honestly, and her mom, who was very supportive, even told me to do as much. But she persuaded me that she would block him and she just wanted to be with me.

So in 2016 we moved in together. Things got complicated regarding money and the balance of bills/chores, etc. Pretty standard 21-year-old first apartment stuff. Sometime during this time, I caught her again. This time complaining to him about me. Again, we "talked it out". Eventually, we moved to another apartment. At the end of 2017, she was on xanax (not prescribed) and decided to show me her recent texts with him (in which she basically harassed him and he ignored her until he insulted her). She said "I'm showing these to my boyfriend, he says you're mean" or something like that. "Oh, the guy who can't pull his own weight?" he responded. Anyway, his insult to her (regarding stretch marks) sent her into a spiral that resulted in her being placed in a 72-hour hold at the psyche ward. She insisted it was unrelated, but it happened and she literally told me why she was freaking out and I took her to the hospital that night. While she was in the hospital, I picked up her backpack to move it and it was heavy as hell. Curious, I looked inside and found literally THOUSANDS of printed photos from Facebook, of some random girl. I came to find it was her ex's ex that he had cheated on her with years ago. When I asked about this later, she said she "had a crush" on her - which doesn't make much sense because as far as I knew she is and has been hetero. All of this is just a sea of red flags obviously, but I was dumb and hopelessly in love.

Fast forward to 2019, and these things were in the past. We were doing better as far as this business was concerned, but our other issues persisted and I obviously had lost a lot of trust in her (and honestly her mental stability). I was in school, and I had to borrow her laptop for class one day. I opened it up at school, and she had left her Facebook open. She was talking to him again, this time about their "future family" and how they'll always love each other, and funnily enough dissolving into an argument and him ignoring her. I left school and confronted her, and I don't even remember how but we made up and she convinced me again.

Just a month or two later, an interesting development occurred. She would often have me bring her to her mother's house when were fighting or she was depressed. I took her there on night, and went to pick her up later. She was incredibly drunk. I'm not proud, but my trust was at its lowest and my paranoia was at it's highest, and I looked at her snapchat. She had been having a conversation with her first ex, from before the aforementioned ex, like from high school. I will refer to him as ex.0 from here to differentiate. It was devastating - "My mom says you're a player..", "I'm down to fuck around, just don't hurt me, I can't handle it", and her basically agreeing she would have sex with him in his car. I immediately left and went to my parents house. AGAIN, somehow we reconciled. She blamed it on her mental health and alcoholism (as she often did in the past).

After this, I basically stopped caring. I didn't look at her phone at all. Occasionally I would ask her and she'd say she hadn't talked to either since that night and I just accepted it (though not internally - my trust was absolutely shattered). It was like this for the last 3 years, with no incident that I was aware of. Our other issues took the forefront - we come from different backgrounds, her mother was an alcoholic and her dad spent 20 years in prison while I'm blessed to still have my entire family intact and supporting me. I transferred to University from community college and my workload increased significantly (and my ability to work a paying job decreased as well). We've been living apart since the death of her mother, when she moved into her friend's house (apart from during Covid when I lived there as well for about a year). I started my last semester at school this fall, excited to finally end it and get on with our life together. I still went to her place almost every night, and she depended on me for so much - from cleaning her house, to even dressing her sometimes, like a freaking child. The night before Halloween, we got into a big fight and I left her house. She threatened to kill herself (a favorite tactic of hers) because she knows how this affects me. I blocked her number (it was a bad, bad fight and we were drunk). She sent me a voicemail that sounded like she was walking down the street and a weird noise that in my paranoid mind was her jumping off a bridge. I called her brother distraught, asking if she was okay. He was vague - "she's fine". But then he slipped up - "she has someone looking out for her right now". This hit me like a ton of bricks. Who? He clammed up, I think he thought our fight happened because I already knew. "you're not gonna like it... it's ex.0". Despite everything, this blew my mind and shattered me. He told me she'd been seeing him for at least the last month. That's when I realized the sound in the voicemail was a car door opening and closing. I unblocked her and told her I knew and that I was blocking her again.

24 hours later, after the worst day of my life, she reached out over email to apologize vaguely (I think she hoped I didn't know exactly everything) and I told her how much she hurt me (and also went on an unhinged angry rant). She was remorseful and cooperative, and told me everything (supposedly) - It had been going on since shortly after I returned to school, they had had sex 4 times (basically every weekend). She says she was so drunk the first time, she barely remembers - but insists he wore protection (despite the fact that she was so drunk, it was supposedly pitch black and he tried to convince her to go raw). Naturally, I still assume it was unprotected since she can't be trusted for numerous reasons (nor can he I suppose). Anyway, over the past two weeks we have been discussing things. The first week she answered all of my questions, was so remorseful and apologetic. We tried to go no-contact after our first conversation, but I slipped up. I don't know what my problem is. I guess I felt she was the only one who could help me process this shit weirdly enough. This week though, she started drinking again, flipflopping between her apologies, telling me its my fault for "neglecting" her, begging me to tell her we can get back together. We went out to eat and it turned bad. I went to her house the next night, and it was relatively fine, and we had an emotional conversation. Then the next night I went over and it was really bad. The next night, she convinced me to come over again, and it was horrifying. I panicked so bad, I knew I didn't want to be around her and she was just making me hurt more by confusing me and being crazy and preying on my pity and love for her and begging me not to leave. The last two days we've been texting relatively normally. She knows we are not together. She keeps asking me what she can do to fix things, begging me to stay over at her place (which is a huge no go for me now), and then shifting to anger and blaming me, calling me a loser, etc. I'm just so hurt and confused, and I feel like I can't get away from her. I know no-contact will drive her insane, and I still worry about her committing suicide (although, its a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" deal at this point, as terrible as that is to say).

I know I will never be able to trust her again. I know I don't want to be with her. I view her differently. I still love her, but I know she doesn't deserve me and will never make me happy. And I see her as a shell of a person in certain ways. And she will always be like this. She seems to have some sort of need for attention from people that should be long gone. And she makes incredibly impulsive decisions. So if I were to take her back, I can be sure it would happen again (at the very least, the emotional text cheating that had been going on for years will always occur). What seals this for me is that she went out of her way to contact him. She initiated. She says she was lonely, and was bored of talking with me (news to me). She sometimes says she knew it was over, and always knew it wouldn't last because she "didn't deserve me". Other times she says I am the love of her life and she has learned her lesson forever. She liked the attention and talking to him about new things (despite the fact that he's totally different from her, and by all accounts a complete tool / serial cheater). She said it was strictly casual, and she essentially exchanged sex for attention. She says it was unpleasant, they kept their clothes on (?) and didn't do anything besides just normal lights off missionary. And supposedly kissed only once. This is hard for me to imagine, as she can be very self-conscious, and I gotta put work in sometimes to get her to be open or even fully nude (not often though, after 8 years). I can't imagine her having sex with someone without a kiss. I've thought about contacting ex.0 (who I've never met, by the way) to see if his story corroborates hers but I don't think it really matters at this point - would it be a good idea, perhaps to find out she lied more and gain more motivation to drop her? Is it worth the potential pain? What bothers me the most is that she felt "neglected" - I came over all the time, helped her with everything, never even spoke to other women, cooked for her all the time, took her wherever she needed to go, gave her rides to and from work despite it impacting my schedule negatively and impairing my schoolwork. On top of that we had sex, all. the. time. - and I know for a fact she enjoyed it and was satisfied in that regard.

She says since it started she can't look at herself in the mirror and has been consumed by guilt (then why do it three more times? Not counting the two times they hung out but didn't have sex). And I was just so oblivious the whole time, having unprotected sex with her the same time she was doing it with him on the weekends. I feel so gross. I have yet to get an STI test, but I'm terrified. Despite all of this, I still desperately care for her. I'm still concerned for her mental and physical health. And she literally has no one else (ex.0 supposedly cut her off after D-day). I've been terrified of falling back into old patterns and compromising my self-worth and boundaries, which obviously worsened as we hung out for those 4 days. Last night was the first night in a long time that I was sober (I know, I know). We both have the flu. And I couldn't sleep. I just thought about the reality of it all, in a way that was more detached and emotionless than I had been. And I was just like "holy shit, this is it and it has to be". In my head, this thing is dead. She is different now. I'm a different person. I'm 28 but I feel like I grew up overnight. Honestly, part of me is excited to move on and find myself and get away from her and that constant obligation and turmoil. But there's just this attachment to her and fear of her hurting herself or being physically ill and not caring for herself.

My head is just a mess, I know this is over and I'm half relieved half terrified. I can't tell how I feel any given moment. I just really don't want things to return to normal. Because they never can. We just text each other about day to day stuff and I couldn't give less of a shit about it, I just don't want to set her off or send her spiraling. I guess I just need to find a graceful way to break contact and not give her false hope out of pity. Because for all I know, she's still lying. I'm not even sure what sort of advice I'm looking for, perhaps just encouragement to stick to my guns and follow through with what I know needs to happen.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022
id 8765311

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 9:51 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

You just need to find your feet and run away as fast as you can.
She's been cheating on you for ages, she knows you'll just cave to her each and every time, you've as much said so.
Only you can remove the doormat title from your being.
She isnt safe for you, for anyone, go find someone who can actually care about you. it might not be easy but it would be a sight better than what you've allowed yourself to be put through.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8765314

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

After reading this my only though is that I feel sorry for you. This person has more than one thing wrong with her. She needs more help than you can ever provide. She only cares about herself and only sees people as a means of what they can provide for her.

You need to cut her out of your life and ghost her. Anything that happens after is HER choice and responsibity. You've given one...two...three...I lost count...opportunities to show you that she cares. She is never going to get that no matter how many chances tou give her. She is a serial cheater that will destroy anyone'a life that is in a relationship with her. That's her thing and she will continue as long as she has some poor schmuck to torture.

Run like your ass is on fire because the rest of your life depends on it.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5066   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8765315

Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 10:24 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Just to keep this succinct.

Out of the 1000's of women you could possibly be with, you continually, time and time and time, repeatedly, over and over keep going back to the same woman who has shown continually, time and time and time, repeatedly, over and over that she callously and almost abuses you, and cheats and continually, time and time and time, repeatedly, over and over lies to you.

Continually, time and time and time, repeatedly, over and over

Continually, time and time and time, repeatedly, over and over

When are you going to break free of this loop?

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2013
id 8765316

HeBrokeMe68 ( new member #82370) posted at 10:53 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I am so very sorry that you are hurting. My D-Day was on August 29, 2022 - my husband (together x9 yrs, married x 2 yrs) was cheating for the past 1-2 yrs so my wounds are fresh as well. Some days I feel as though the bleeding is controlled a bit, and others I feel as if i'm hemorrhaging out my entire mind, body, & soul.

I read your post about your WS and wanted to share a bit. In summary, I was severely sexually abused as a child and all throughout my early adult life I found myself in relationships that were unhealthy...until i met my now husband who was different from all of them. He was the light my soul was searching for and i trusted him with everything I had in me. He is well educated, kind, loving, and we were so good together in every way possible. I thought he would never stray, but recently i discovered how wrong i was and my world has since changed & will never be the same.

I believe in KARMA and it finally came around to pay me a visit. Here's why...

I cheated on every single partner I ever had throughout my young adult life. I had one lined up to go forward with before I even broke it off with my current bf. I skillfully used my sexuality to manipulate men all throughout my lifetime and I was always the one doing the dumping so I could never be the one being kicked to the curb, because now that i had the power as a adult I had promised myself that I would never allow any man to ever hurt me. I say this because it took me 20 years of very intense therapy that involved serious work on myself (and confronting my abuse history) that led me into the person I have become. It took years for me to realize and understand all the reasons that I cheated, but it was very hard work. It took years for me to understand what I was missing, what my needs were, and how to understand and embrace those needs myself. My husband was the ONE SINGLE PERSON that I loved unconditionally and the the one person I WANTED to be faithful to. I never even thought about any other man. He was the one person I could finally let my guards down with. He was the one person I could finally be vulnerable with (for a child abuse survivor, this is HUGE). I never wanted to hurt him in any way. I was brutally honest with him about my past. I never hid anything from him. I never lied. I never flirted or put myself in any questionable circumstances. I was upfront and in the open, free & clear. After 20+ years, I finally had the one man that I had waited a lifetime for. In a cruel twist of fate (or karma, rather) -- he cheated on me. Even being a former cheater myself I had always asked him to please break it off with me if he ever felt the need to cheat. I even directly confronted him just before he crossed that final line and begged him to leave me if he was cheating. He lied, of course and continued on with his planned escorts & sugar babies he'd already arranged. As it turns out, he was living a lie in a shell that had been created for him and the person i thought he was just turned out to be an empty shell of a man going through life hiding his true self from me and the whole world.

His reasons for cheating are not the same as when I was a cheater. I cheated because i wanted to feel strong. I wanted to stop feeling like that little abused girl chained up in the bedroom. I wanted power over men. I needed constant attention, reassurance and validation that I was a worthy human being. My husband cheated for different reasons but I believe that the bottom line is that people cheat because their needs are not being met. Their cup is not being filled. They are constantly searching to find these things that they think can ease their pain. They expect to find what they seek, but it's really only a brief fix that eventually brings more pain & suffering.

I know the rollercoaster of despair you feel. The love. The hate. The frustration. The questions. The never ending lies and half-truths being told. The obsession with fact finding. The feeling of being an utter fool. The self hate for being naive and for trusting. The betrayal is a fate worse than death, if you ask me. I'm not religious, but I've found myself on my knees in church for many nights over the past month uncontrollably sobbing & begging God for mercy.

My point in saying all of this is that your spouse has work to do to heal herself. Until that time, she cannot be a good person to you or anyone else. You were the unfortunate recipient of her demons she had lurking inside her. It had nothing to do with you. Only she can fix herself. There is nothing you can do to fix her, but rather now is the time to focus on yourself.

I can promise you that good will always come from bad but sometimes it takes a while for us to see it. Until then, we have to embrace the pain, let it flow, and be kind & patient with ourselves.

Betrayed Spouse
D-Day Aug 29 2022 w/ongoing trickle truths.
He did it to punish me.

I love him. I hate him.

Trying to reconcile

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2022   ·   location: California
id 8765322

Henny ( member #31345) posted at 11:23 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I am so sorry you have gone through this.
One thing rattled me to my core in the best way possible. Dear intimate friends and one sister gathered in my home to have a talk after The second separation. The best thing said, "You cannot get healing from the person who is hurting you."

After several attempts at a 180, that line did it for me.
Was the time after that easy? No. Was it made easier because I went towards those who love me and not the one person hurting me.

May you decide the same.
Peace to you this day.

DDay Feb 26 2011
27 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating (in love with two women!) Proclaiming he wanted a poly lifestyle.
in the end... My world is bigger than his shit.
Divorced Oct 2012
"Nothing is going to work out and it will all be

posts: 120   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: Chicago
id 8765327

masti ( member #54237) posted at 11:49 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Run Rabbit run
Run away as fast as you can
Don’t ever look back
Learn from this to not ignore the red flags
Still young to find someone much better
Chalk it up to learning life’s lessons

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8765330

Lurkingsoul12 ( new member #82382) posted at 7:07 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I see that both of you need professional help. Both of you have lot of issues to deal with. At the age of 19 you were suffering through loneliness (possibly,depression) and frustrated with your dating life, This in itself is a big flag for you to work it out. You mentioned you have low self esteem too. With these issues you will never feel secure about yourself on your own. And so you would always rely on others to feel secure. And unlucky for you this 'other' turned out to be your current gf. She chose to cheat on you and abuse you constantly, because she has issues. And you still choose to crawl back to her after going through so much pain and trauma, because of your issues. This is not love. You might think you do this because you love her and care for her but in reality you do this because of your fear of loneliness. You are still young and have bright future. Leave her. She is not safe for you. Get help immediately and work on your issues. With these issues you are not safe even for you.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022   ·   location: India
id 8765353

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:24 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

You know it’s time to move on. You have a very bright future ahead of you.

Love and relationships do not — I repeat — Do Not — have to be filled with drama and cheating and breakups and make ups.

Mature healthy adults learn to talk about issues. They don’t get drunk and chest and lie and have mental hesitate issues that are left untreated.

You see the red flags. 🚩🚩🚩

Now you need to do the hardest thing ever.

Here it is — stop talking to her. Stop texting her. Stop feeling sorry for her. Stop rescuing her.

It’s time to walk away. Ghost her. Shut it down.


It goes from minute to minute the first few weeks to not texting her. Or calling her.

Then it gets better. You will go an hour without thinking of her. Then a few hours. Then one whole day goes by that you don’t think of her. 😃

Don’t backslide. Keep going no contact.

Watch your life get better in so many ways. Find yourself a new hobby or something else to do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765366

 rogertheshruber (original poster new member #82400) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Thank you all for your words! Yesterday was a strange day, as if reality truly set in. Posting here was very cathartic, and even though what I need to do is obvious, extremely motivating. I wasn't expecting it, but it really did help me unscramble a bit and feel much clearer about the whole situation.

HeBrokeMe68, I very much appreciate your story and I am so sorry you are going through that, and for what you experienced in the past. I cannot imagine. Honestly, my WS had similar childhood experiences and likely has significant PTSD - she just can't or won't motivate herself to get the work done to address it. I thank and respect you immensely for sharing, and as a (very) lapsed Catholic, I can relate to the sudden desire to go to church again in situations like this... I'm thinking I might do that to clear my head, even if I'm no longer a "believer".

TrenOR201, I needed to hear your message as well - it truly has been a cycle, and I've recognized that. I suppose I've always in the past thought it could be broken, but I know it won't work that way. It's hard not to feel like a weak/dumb person when I've let myself go through this for 8 years, but it makes me realize I have no one to blame but myself for sticking around. I am going to definitely going to address the reasons for this over a long period of bachelorhood.

Henny, your post made me break down and weep because it made me realize just how long I've been doing the opposite - and it sounds exactly like the advice my mother has given me over the years. I really will begin to take that message to heart as long as I live. I hate to think about all the good, enriching times I could have spent with those that care for me instead of in this quagmire of hopeless sacrifice, angst and anxiety. I don't want to make myself a complete victim, but I don't blame myself either, because she was unhappy too. In many ways I could not provide what she needed and insisted I could, because I thought I could, just because I wanted to. I have long since learned I lack that capacity. Your quote made me realize that as things got progressively worse, I should never had doubled down. The last couple weeks I've spent at home have made me realize that I don't have to live in the chaos. I'm incredibly blessed to have my family, and that despite being poor they allow my 28-year old ass to live here rent free and giving me the support I need to finish school.

Lurkingsoul12, your message was hard to read because everything you said is true. In the back of my head, I always knew I feared loneliness, but the "love" excuse always was my main argument. Your comment made me acknowledge to myself, finally, that that is what my problem is. I am definitely going to work on it, and I am confident I can change that aspect about myself (especially since I'm craving being alone and working on myself, and often have over the years - I suppose I just always thought it would be reckless or selfish). Honestly my self-esteem isn't THAT terrible - I'm a bit of an exaggerator at times. But the parts of it that are crappy, I will make an effort to address.

To everyone else, I appreciate your contributions and advice, all of which I have taken to heart and have made me feel like I am going to be so much freer when this thing is finally behind me.

I realized even before posting, while browsing, that I can consider myself comparatively fortunate. We never married (not for lack of pressure...), we don't get along very often, she has hurt me incredibly and been the focus of my life for so long that I've honestly been checked out for a couple of years. At really low points, I would sometimes fantasize about catching her in the act of a PA so as to have a definitive, red-line crossing moment and I could comfortably leave. I suppose that came true, though it certainly is a lot more painful and depressing than what I would imagine. Outwardly I expressed desire to keep it up, but inside I always felt this would end like this or some other terrible way. I had so many chances over the years (even last year, I broke up with her and moved home YET AGAIN), and I threw them away for one more shot at something that made me miserable more often than not. I'm not 100% sure why this is, but I'm going to figure it out. I consider myself lucky that, even though I was betrayed heartlessly and it has shattered me, I catch glimpses of excitement for my newfound independence and relief that I no longer have that obligation over me. I'm excited to focus on myself alone, to get healthy and make friends, reconnect with old ones, etc. I honestly am so hopeful for the future and re-discovering myself that I almost feel guilty having posted this to the forum in the first place. But I can't overstate how much this helped me kind of reach a breakthrough (or, accept a breakthrough I had the night before), and for the first time in two weeks I feel like a big load of pent up pressure has been let off. Thank you all, and I'm glad to have found this community. Once I've done some more healing and counseling, etc. I will pay it forward as best I can and will hopefully be giving advice of my own! Thanks again guys.

[This message edited by rogertheshruber at 6:07 PM, Wednesday, November 16th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022
id 8765431

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Never feel like you're a weak or dumb person. We're all human, and so many of us let our hearts guide us, even to our detriment. The best we can do sometimes is just hope we learn from our experiences and let them help guide/direct us in the future.
You'll come through the other side in a better place with a better future waiting for you.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8765434

justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 7:50 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Sorry you are here.

I do hope you realise the amount of negative conditions that you both have going on for anything to work out between both of you. She is young. She does not know the word "respect" and she wants to be free to see diferente people. It is as plain and simple as water running down stream through a river.

You are young. You have no kids. You have no marriage. Run away from that mess and go and be happy with someone who respects you.

You will be ok. All the best.

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8765446

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:05 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

You have a bright future ahead of you.

You will be happier than you know.

All the best.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765449

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:22 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

You need to hear this, she is so damaged that she will ruin you. She has no boundaries. None. You are dealing with an emotional child. You were an innocent kid when you two met. She manipulated you from day one. You never had a chance. Please pay attention to these folks^^^ because we all know you are wasting your life on a dream but it is a nightmare. Move on. Find time to date. Enjoy yourself.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8765453

AmIAnIdiot15 ( member #71023) posted at 10:36 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Do not stick around and build a life or heaven forbid a family with this woman.

MAYBE someday she'll be in a good place to be a partner (and possibly a mother) but she is not now.

Get therapy. Get a haircut, or a kickass outfit or both. Get out, focus on you, and wait for the day she's a memory.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2019   ·   location: CO
id 8765995

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:40 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

It is really important you keep moving forward on your own path.

She is not good for you. Do not look back. Keep running away.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:03 AM, Sunday, November 20th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8766006

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 4:44 AM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

It would seem you have incredibly low self esteem to tolerate such abuse from her for years and years. Please get into therapy immediately to discover why that is and how you can turn that around. And dump her for good. NOW.

posts: 149   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8766031
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