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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Just getting started

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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 2:37 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Hi All,

I found out about my wife's affair on November 4th. My story and updates are on the Just Found Out forum here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/659675/well-here-i-am/?ap=1


I guess I was hoping for some sign of R from her, but there is no remorse at all. She did ask me last night if I were interested in R and if she had to move out. I said I was, but neither she nor I are ready to even think about R. She actually said "I will not grovel".

So my only path at the moment is separation/divorce. I am in NC so we need to separate for 1 year before I can file for D. I think she is open to leave, but it needs to happen soon. And after the conversation last night, about her lack of remorse and that she will "not grovel", she needs to go as soon as possible.

I have one last consult with an attorney today, and then I will put one on retainer and have a letter sent to her that I am aware of the affair and she must leave the house.

About the affair:

I found out she has been texting and sending pictures to an ex boyfriend since February, who lives 10 hours away. 30,000+ texts and 1500+ pictures sent between them. We had a wedding to go to in the town where he lives and she wanted to go early for a few days "by herself". She still stays she never met with him, but c'mon, no one is that dumb. One of my attorney's said what we have what we need as far as proving "inclination" and "opportunity" when it comes to alimony (which I want to be 0)

She is showing no remorse at all. I have been practicing the 180/Grey Rock with her and if she brings up anything related to separation/divorce, I tell her that is why we have attorneys.

So I guess today I really start the journey. Not looking forward to it, but at least I know my destination.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764676
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CrapMan ( new member #80450) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

I stumbled across these forums last year unintentionally. Luckily, I have never been in your shoes. But, you do have my sympathy. I just don't understand how someone can do this to their SO. Sounds like divorce is your best option.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2022
id 8764715
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:40 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Hey RoverGuy, just checking in with you. Your STBXWW seems to be her own worst enemy. She is in a very vulnerable financial situation with the potential outcome of the D and having to sell her business, as you mentioned in your previous thread. Her response is that she will not grovel? Sounds like she is a very proud person and fully willing to cut her nose off to spite her face.

Is she the type of person who fails to plan ahead and think of all possible outcomes before making a decision? If so, she might have already figured a course of action. In any event, feeling bad for her is one thing, helping her fix things is not your job. That's the job of a loving and committed partner. She fired you from that position and replaced you with the OM. She just neglected to tell you.

The process for D was a long one for me, and It cost me 8-10k. Well worth it. Now that I'm on the other side and fully detoxed from my M, I have a clearer picture of what my M was really like. Post S has been enlightening for me. I am very relaxed and largely stress free, even to the point of boredom, while my EXWW is a complete shitshow. It is kinda fun to watch though. She finally has to carry her own weight, or at least mostly, and finds it exhausting. I say mostly because she has found a really simply guy whom she keeps tethered to her so that she gets help. Feel bad for him, but he is a big boy.

Post D is much better for men than women if you look at the data. I've had enty of opportunities for relationships either short term or long, but because I'm so screwed up I just can't do it. Been single going on three years and it's nice. I am the captain of my own ship.

The healing journey is nonlinear as I am certain you are aware. You will have some good dayscand bad. Just keep your chin up and push through. Your child situation will help make it easier. Having grown kids takes a lot of pressure off of you, at least it did for me. Just don't drag them into the situation. I made the mistake of sharing too much and my youngest is bitter about it. I think it has changed how she feels about her mother. I didn't disparage her, they just saw me in my worst moments of pain and didn't want that.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just wanted to pipe in and wish good things for you going forward.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1364   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8764743
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Sorry you find yourself here. Separation/divorce is emotionally draining, but once you get thru to the other side it's SO much better. My days are 100x better living on my own. Sounds like you have a solid legal team behind you!

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 118   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8764807
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 7:48 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Sorry she couldn't make even the slightest effort to move to fix what she did to you, your marriage and your family, bro. Be forewarned she may change her attitude when it really hits her. Then again, sometimes people like that never get it. This is all on her. Rest assured there is better out there. I kept my son and walked away from having the thought of another relationship and one snuck up on me and 26 years later, I am so happy the bitch pushed me into a better and happier life with the woman that does more for me in a day than my ex would have done in a year.
My ex had about the same attitude as yours. Though hers was an exit affair with a bit of a "I'll let the former hubby help support me so I can be a lazy assed ex-wife" thrown in for good measure. None of it worked out so well for her in the end. She's still trying to rebuild a relationship with my son.
Keep us updated, we'd all like to know how you're doing and holding up. You've a remarkable head on your shoulders, which will be a big help.
It will hurt like hell but know you will come out the other side in a much better place.

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8764813
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 9:34 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Is she the type of person who fails to plan ahead and think of all possible outcomes before making a decision?

Justsomeguy - She is 100% this person. Does NOT plan ahead or think of all possible outcomes.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764829
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

This is all on her.

Legs - it sure is. This past week has really got me thinking about the person that she is. I don't know if it's my anger, my fear of the future, or what, but I do not hold her in high regard at the moment.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764831
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 2:47 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Had my last consult and I put down a retainer. I am now represented.

Found out a post-nup is useless in my state. We have what's called a reconciliation agreement. In order for it to be valid, we must be legally separated at the time we sign it. So now matter my decision, separation is a given.

It kinda is a relief to at least know what is going to happen short term. I can focus on that for now.

Still no remorse. We haven't really spoken again, she goes into her room and leaves the door wide open. Probably waiting for me to come in. She did come home yesterday and say hi to me first.

It's amazing how much just that "hi" got my f'g brain going again.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764896
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 3:24 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Totally get it. For the short period of time I let my, at the time future, exww back in with our son, which was just so I could keep him around me, every word out of her mouth was like nails on a chalkboard.
Not knowing your wife, it sure does sound like she wants you to make that ever so important first step, when clearly the onus is on her to move to fix this. Some people just will burn everything around them down rather than face the fact that they f-ked up.
So far you've done really well after that grenade she tossed into your marriage went off.

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8764899
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blahblahblahe ( member #62231) posted at 4:12 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Well, it sounds like your WW is definitely into power games.....I suspect she has done this throughout most of the marriage?? or is this a new dynamic?

I assume your lawyer is drawing up papers, has she been informed of your retention of counsel, or are you holding that back until she served?

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8764903
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:48 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Well, it sounds like your WW is definitely into power games.....I suspect she has done this throughout most of the marriage?? or is this a new dynamic?

Not new at all. This is typical behavior, especially when we fight. Silent treatment, just a waiting game.

I assume your lawyer is drawing up papers, has she been informed of your retention of counsel, or are you holding that back until she served?

I told her last week I would make a decision on an attorney by Friday. However, that's it. She is not aware I have retained one. The first letter from the attorney will be an introduction to WW that they represent me, I am seeking separation on account of her infidelity, and to provide any financial information about her business so they can begin drafting the separation agreement.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764908
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:58 PM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

Please allow your attorney to do all communicating, don't rock the boat any further by informing your WW you are filing for divorce.

posts: 11669   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8764950
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:20 AM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Please allow your attorney to do all communicating, don't rock the boat any further by informing your WW you are filing for divorce.

For sure. No way am I telling her. Well have the attorney send the introduction letter. Totally going to suck living in the same house while she finds a place to live.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764954
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blahblahblahe ( member #62231) posted at 9:28 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

She doesn't deserve any consideration after what you posted in JFO. Just disconnect and protect yourself, lock everything down and keep a VAR handy. I suspect she will try to further provoke you (like last night).

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8765035
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

You been saying you’re not surprised by your WWs current behavior. Is it correct to assume that she has essentially been a toxic person throughout the entirety of your M?

posts: 570   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765039
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:56 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

You been saying you’re not surprised by your WWs current behavior. Is it correct to assume that she has essentially been a toxic person throughout the entirety of your M?

I guess you can say that. Never really noticed during the M. She has always been like this. When she is confronted with any kind of controversy, she closes up. It's just her nature and probably the root cause of our issues.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765091
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

This women needs intense IC. You can’t R with the same toxic person you’ve put up with your entire M. However, she doesn’t sound like the person who would consider IC, because she’s obviously perfect and everyone else has a problem.

posts: 570   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765182
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Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 1:15 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

RoverGuy

She is 100% this person. Does NOT plan ahead or think of all possible outcomes.

This is among many other similarities, based on your other thread between your WW and mine. Mine is starting to see the consequences of that in the ongoing fallout in her family relationships, including our sons.

You are making great progress really quickly. Hang in there!

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8765187
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 2:03 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Hi brother, I have held off commenting on your post as I can only offer what has already been expressed.
In relation to cooking, and leaving the door open is her way of justifying to herself that she is trying to R by maintaining some sort of contact.
I feel this was her exit A and just is trying to maintain dignity and save some sort of face with daughter and extended family. Hence the statement that she won’t grovel.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1250   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8765190
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

RoverGuy

Been reading your posts -

"I will not grovel." - Can't remember ever reading that line on any of these boards.

The statement is (to me) an indicator of her mindset/opinion of herself/- and - (maybe?) her harboring resentment towards you for wrongs committed (for sure or her assessment) during the marriage. Toss in a big ego/dose of pride etc.

Seems she sees her 1000s of texts and other stuff (??!!) as justified in her mind. Aaaaand - she expects you to "grovel" as you have in the past when you two had differences. (again my assumption)

So "R" is not feasible until this mindset of hers is remedied. I don't like the idea of telling a wandering spouse what to do or how to fix a relationship. I like to see them take the initiative and do things necessary and expedient on their own.

If you can - I think she would benefit by reading a few times the book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

The quandary being how do you get her to read without being the person who instigates?

Maybe next time if/when you chat with her - bring up Individual Counseling. And (as I perceive from your posts) - she likely will get into a huff of some sort and berate you for suggesting that (or implying indirectly?) something in her psych needs adjustment.

On another note - no one here wishes to have had the need to be here and learn but there is a large crowd-source of info to be had. People here want to see you better - so don't take all the words to literally - some are still raw from their passage down these rapids.

One thing I have learned and I think my apply in your case - once a women has "friend-zoned" you - the Loving Relationship is gone forever. They become a live-in partner of sorts - a "friend with benefits" or ? But, that bond that both felt and committed to when saying the marriage vows - it's gone forever. Maybe I'm wrong - some do recover - but I always wonder if they "healed" themself to think and live that way.

Keep looking over your shoulder and watch your behavior when daughter is present. The fact she doesn't want to know why her mother strayed and stabbed you in the heart is a good indicator she has some integrity.

I'm in NC and ya - "they" really make life difficult if you want to split amicably or not!

Not Just Friends

posts: 686   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8765321
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