SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I found a good lawyer who was recommended to me by a few friends of mine who work in the legal field, and I filed the petition for divorce. Reason for divorce? That one’s easy: he committed adultery.

I got his counter petition back and I am not the least bit surprised at his response. He denied my petition and countered with requesting a divorce on the grounds of discord of personality that would prevent reconciliation of the marriage parties. AND even though he doesn’t want the house and told me I could have it and everything in it, NOW he wants equal distribution of the assets. (Here is where the sarcastic part of me is rolling her eyes and saying, omg he lied? Unbelievable!)

So, I’m in the middle of gathering all the items my attorney needs for discovery, and I guess mediation is next? I don’t know. I know that I am ready for this show to get on the road. I just want to be rid of him and be free of this marriage. I’m still seeing my therapist and trying to keep in prayer. I’m just so mad now it’s hard to pray, because a lot of my prayers will start to turn to prayers for bad things to happen to him. My counselor says that’s a normal way to feel now. I’ll be working on ambivalence too. I’m trying not to feel anything for him so he doesn’t take up any head space, but it’s a work in progress.

Things I am thankful for: I have a great job and friends there that are wonderful. I have a house that while needing a ton of work, it’s sturdy and warm in the winter and cool in the summer. If I have to sell it, well then I guess it will be a good reason for a new start. My sisters and parents are so supportive and loving. My children. My children are the greatest reasons to be thankful. Amidst all of this fuckery, they have clung together and clung to me. I love them with my entire being and I know they love me too.

So while I’m gearing up for what I’m sure it going to be a fight, I’m going to remind myself I’m ok, and I’m going to keep being ok.

(And if maybe he falls in front of a train or gets eaten by a lion? I mean, I wouldn’t cry!)

I have yet to start this difficult road of getting divorced myself. For now I’m glad that I don’t have to see and speak to my WH.

I wish you the strength to get through this difficult time!

Somewhere on SI I read the following sentence that keeps me going:

Moving on to a new and better life!

I believe that this applies to all of us getting divorced after infidelity!

It’s amazing how many WS say they will give everything to the BS then low and behold, they lie about that. (Their lawyer no doubt pushed that as well.). This is why we sometimes recommend a BS who is pretty sure D is going to happen to strike while the WS is feeling guilty and generous.

As much as you want to be rid of him, play the long game and be strategic. Your lawyer should be able to help you keep emotion out of this. You need to be thinking about what you need in 10, 15, 20 years from now as well as the next couple years. So don’t make short-sighted compromises just for expediency.

So happy you have a strong support system. It’s too early to be at ambivalence, but seeing his true colors certainly helps you get there faster. And don’t worry - the bad thoughts of the WS being struck by a bus or get a disfiguring STI or end up toothless in a crappy mobile home with chronic BO is 100% normal and not an indication that you are a bad person. It will stop over time— it’s just normal to want some consequences for them. Just don’t dwell there or get stuck there, and it sounds like you and your IC are working on that.

You are strong, smart, level-headed, and using your anger to move you forward— basically you are doing great! It WILL end and you will get some peace. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.

I'm also a member of the Old High School girlfriend club. If it wasn't so horrible, I'd have to laugh. When mine left, the only thing he asked for, after a 45 yr. marriage and us having all of his parents mementos, was his Varsity Football and Basketball letters.

I think life got hard for him and so reverting to his teenage mind where the world is his oyster and all things are still possible and he hasn't made any career or investment mistakes was very appealing. So appealing he sort of lost his mind and went after it as hard as he used to go after his Scotch & soda.

There is absolutely no way to reason with someone in that mindset. None. Save yourself and don't even try. They twist themselves into pretzels to avoid being honest with themselves and everyone else.

Not all of these men (and women) always go off the deep end like this. Just the ones who are married to decent, honest, strong partners because over time, they resent their partner's ability to be so confident in knowing right from wrong and to, not only recover, but to learn from their mistakes. We're everything they thought they'd become and when they finally realize they didn't become it, they're lost. So what better solution to go back to being a teenager?

The good news on that one is, you just keep being the wonderful person you are, cherished by your friends and your family and your neighbors and your coworkers and be there for your children and let your lawyer handle the rest. In the end, whatever you get or don't get will be immaterial because you will move forward in your life and continue to be a successful person in every way that matters and the world will reward you with even more of the good stuff you have now.

As my counselor once said to me, after I sat there and whined for an hour about all the things I'd lost or would never get to do, etc. "But Josie, you're free."

I started to bristle at first but I knew from experience that every time I thought I was going to disagree with her, I'd think about it and eventually get it. And I did get it and she was right. Being free from him will simply make space in your life for more of the good stuff you have now.

Look at this like selecting a hand in Poker.
He didn’t like the grounds for filing and wants that changed. Maybe he would be willing to sacrifice assets if you were willing to divorce on grounds other than adultery.
It doesn’t really matter IMHO – once the ink is dry you are just as divorced, and the truth is the truth no matter what.