SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In March, I found out after ~16 years, that my UH had a very obsessive, addictive 4.5-year affair and then when it ended, he used porn to get the "feelings" of the affair, in which case he has been masturbating to porn that he picked out to look just like the OW.

16 years! He did it so much that it became a compulsion and finally, an addiction and now his arousal template is HER. She is the exact opposite of me. One of us is black, the other is white. We look completely different and I now know that my husband will forever be addicted porn, specifically to "her" and interracial sex, as he created that arousal template.

At best, he will be in recovery from "her" but never will she be gone. Addictions never die.

So now I have the "wonderful" task of deciding if I can continue to live with a man who could be this cruel and wicked to me, who will forever be most aroused by women who are the opposite of me, and that in order for him to be fully attracted to me again, he has to *intentionally* stay away from even thinking about, or seeing women who look like her and be hyper-focus on me to give me a place on the template.

Could you do this? Could you live with knowing that the other woman, who is opposite you, and interracial sex/relationships would forever be your WH's weakness?

There are people on here who have, in one post or another, finally had enough and they just say I am done. You might feel it within a few weeks or you might say it in five years but it’s interesting that many times the BS just finally says I’m done. It sounds like your husband’s sexual kink is wanting sex with women of another race. Who can explain the human brain because I still cannot. There was a man here for a while who was white and so was his wife and the only people she desired were black man so she had one affair after the other after the other. He divorced her and it was about time.

You will know when it’s time. You will wake up one day and say that’s it. That’s the day you call the lawyer, that’s the day you start getting your ducks in a row and that’s the day you move on. It’s up to you because no one can do it for you. But I certainly wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do

Could you do this? Could you live with knowing that the other woman, who is opposite you, and interracial sex/relationships would forever be your WH's weakness?

NOPE.

But remember, she’s not better than you, she’s just different than you. Who’s to say if he was married to her for 16 years he wouldn’t want to cheat with you, fantasize about you? It’s probably more about novelty.

My WW’s AP was totally different than me. Her new SO is totally different than any of us. My new wife is totally different from ExWW. I’m totally different than her Ex.

But that’s besides the point. He’s married to you and actively escaping, physically and mentally, from his reality, not necessarily from you or the marriage, but from something deeply broken within him.

Every time you make love you’re probably wondering what’s going through his head. That’s maddening. There’s only one way to find out what he really wants…

Cut his ass loose. If he doesn’t come scratching and crawling his way back to you, you’ll have your answer. If he doesn’t "move mountains" to win you back, you’ll have your answer.

A 4.5 year long physical affair and how long (16 years?) EA, is a lot to reconcile. Not impossible, but will require him to be devoted and enthusiastically pursue some intense therapy.

Divorce is scary. It’s a dive into the unknown from a place of perceived security. Once you talk to a lawyer and carefully devise your exit strategy, your future will begin to come into focus and you’ll build confidence.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:18 AM, Friday, November 4th]

No..I couldn't do it. Even if I could get past the obsessive need to be aroused by a woman like the OW,it would be the false R for nearly 2 decades that would end it for me. You said,in another thread, that you thought he did the work before. That he was sorry. Meanwhile he took it underground for years,then spent the next decade fantasizing about the OW. Therefore,since you thought he was remorseful before,and did the work,when all he really did was wear his mask well,it's going to be nearly impossible to believe him again.

Good morning, welcome to SI.

I couldn't do it either. You deserve a man who is completely committed to you and only you.

Your profile says you have nine kids. Honestly, I'd meet with an attorney asap to figure out how you can best navigate financially if you decide to move on with your life and get away from this abuser.

Please listen to the members here who have your best interest at heart. This is no way to live.

Sending a huge virtual hug....

Doesn't matter, porn, other people...if he's fixed on something other than you and won't be coming back.

I’m sorry I could not live with that situation.

You deserve better than that.

Is this how you want to spend the precious time that you have on Earth? Do you think this relationship dynamic is sustainable in the long term?