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I’m 11 years out from first revelation of an affair. I have had gut feelings for a few months. Discovered the Telegram app on spouses computer. Can’t log in. Any advice. Please. I feel more levelheaded this time around. If that is what it is

Install a key logger on the computer, you’ll have the password after the next time he uses it.

agree with asc. Install a keylogger. That's how I discovered my WH affair.

My ws had alerts set to send texts to his phone if such a thing was ever put on the computer but maybe yours isn't that cautious

If you two dealt with the event 11 years ago – Note I write "dealt" and not rug-sweep – then why not simply ask him what he’s doing with that app and ask him to open it and show you the content.
If he uses the privacy and I can have my own life speel… you reply with the past affair gives you reason to be suspect. His response will tell you just as much as any content in the program.

If he refuses to open or doesn’t open it right away (as in giving him time to clean the data) = hes cheating in some way or another.
If he opens and its only innocent chatter… Great.

Asking him point blank will,if he is cheating,cause him to lie,and gaslight. And,if you're anything like me, while that may tell me something, I want to KNOW what he's doing. I would want to know exactly why I'm leaving him.

My husband and I are over a decade past dday. One of my requirements,for reconciliation, was that he remains transparent, for the duration of our marriage. I have all passwords. All the time. If he opens an account for anything, he shares the password. Immediately. It's automatic. It gives me a sense of security. I don't trigger if I see an new app on his phone. So far,he has never failed to do this. Never. He understands,and there is no resentment.

Maybe you could approach him,tell him you've been feeling insecure lately..that you feel something may be going on..and tell him you've read just what I wrote above..and that you feel that will help you to feel more at peace. He should Immediately want you to feel secure. He should understand. And he should make a list of all of his passwords. If Telegram isn't on that list,then you know. Then you start to lay low,and start watching. Because,if he is cheating,he's certainly not going to tell you. You will have to catch him.

Also,if he gives you the passwords to everything else,check his Google account. Google saves passwords. You can opt for them to not save the password to a certain account, but it's worth a shot.

If he opens the program in front of you and shows you the content then how can he lie?

If he doesn’t. If he starts all sorts of excuses or counter-accusations or whatever… he’s cheating and you don’t need any more proof. You might not know the details, but you know he’s hiding something and you can safely deduct it’s an affair.

Or you can writhe away in emotional despair and pain while you try to find some James Bond like digital-monitoring or truth-serum solution.

Telegram, WhatsApp, Signal are cheater favorites for secure communications. You can set the App for auto delete after the message has been read. It won’t show up on the phone bill and if elected the most secure option will end-to-end encrypt. The only trace of covert comms will be records of batter usage on his phone. Some phones keep detailed records of battery usage by App with time of day use.

If you do confront your husband and request he shows you content and contacts, there could be absolutely nothing there to show if he’s maintaining good Opsec housekeeping in the App.

However, if you’re noticing a lot of use and an absolutely immaculate app interface, that’s possible evidence he’s purposefully hiding stuff.

There is a way to recover deleted Telegram chats that can be googled.

If you confront, I would not give warning. Try to time your confrontation with when he might have pending unread texts in queue.

you don’t need any more proof.

Some BS DO need more proof. Some BS have a WS who will blame their BS for "snooping," and complain about how it's been years since dday, it isn't fair, blah,blah. They will make their BS feel bad for doubting them. They will gaslight. Not every BS is strong enough to hold up under that emotional abuse.

Just because YOU wouldn't need more proof,doesn't mean every BS won't. And that's ok. Every BS deserves to feel secure, and they are allowed to want hard-core proof of exactly what's going on.

I mean, Bigger, you walked in and caught your fiancee. You never had to deal with the lies,gaslighting, and emotional abuse MANY WS put their BS through. You don't know,personally, how that feels. In that way, you were fortunate.

Telegram is what my husband used for his affairs, sex workers and his "cheating chat group". Apparently telegram lets you join groups with common interests.

Here's something I found out - one, they can delete the app off their phone, but all of their chats will stay completely preserved in the cloud. Deleting the app DOES NOT delete the chats, the pictures, the videos or any of the contacts or comments. When they re-upload the app, all of their chats and pictures and videos are there, safe and sound.

My husband initially would regularly delete the app from his phone so that his phone was "clean" and then he'd re-download the app when he was alone, all of his chats and pictures would re-appear, and then he did all his chatting and video chatting and phone calls through the app, and then would delete the app again and it would take all evidence of these conversations with it into the cloud, waiting for his next upload.

Also, he had two different user names on the app. One was his "clean" one with nothing more than news updates and a few of his legitimate dads' group friends. When some of his legitimate real life friends suggested using telegram for chatting, he realized the app lets you create multiple profiles, so he created a new profile with his real phone number and added his real, normal contacts to it. The other user profile was his cheating one, for which he used what looks like a google voice or other temporary number. So more recently he kept the app on his phone, kept one profile signed in (the clean one) and it would look completely innocent. The other 'dirty' profile he would sign into and sign back out of, and he could just choose which profile to use while they were both logged in at once. You would have to know the user name of the 'dirty' profile to see it, and even then there's often two factor authentication.

Unfortunately I was given something of a crash course in this from one of Wh's OW, who used telegram with him and participated in a telegram cheaters chat group, and then had to download the app myself to check things out. It's made for cheating (or drugs, or anything else you want to hide) and even has disappearing chats and pictures. It's a cesspool.

[This message edited by Sigyn at 5:27 PM, Sunday, November 6th]

I was reading up on the Telegram app and it has a reputation for being a cheater's app, but also has legit uses. There are some concerning things about it. There is a way for messages to automatically delete and secret chats can be hidden and only accessible with a pin. So asking him to open it in front of you might not show any evidence of cheating.

Always trust your gut. I assume your gut feelings lead you to look at his computer and you certainly found something suspicious.

Excellent Info ^^

Also, if you have kids, it’s important to keep verifiable documentation of the affair. My ExWW tried to rewrite our marital history and whitewash the affair off the record with my kids leaving them confused and not knowing who to believe. Fortunately, I saved all the evidence and incriminating apology letters that detailed how the affair was not my fault; that admitted the affair had nothing to do with me or the marriage, that she was not neglected, abused, that I met all possible needs, confirmed that we did not "grow apart"etc. This has been useful in setting the record straight.

I also have a friend who’s also a BS. One of her adult kids accused her, in a recent angry outburst, of breaking up the family by initiating a divorce. Her daughter advised that she has resented her ever since (for 20 years). This resentment had insidiously undermined their relationship for the last 20 years to a breaking point.

The BS mom made the mistake of burying her cheating husband’s past to protect the kids and the image of their Father. She didn’t want them to resent their Father. That selfless ideology ended up hurting her and the children in the long run as they developed downstream psychological issues secondary to the rapid and unexpected dissolution of the marriage and subsequent divorce.

Fortunately, she kept evidence from the PI and presented it during a family intervention to set the record straight. It was a watershed moment that allowed for profound reconciliation with her children who had secretly harbored deep resentment towards their mother.

If the kids are uniformed or under-informed the BS will look like the crazy, hysterical one who broke up the family.

So, it is true, you don’t need evidence of an affair to initiate a divorce but, evidence sure does come in handy sometimes.

On another note: If your husband has a history of cheating, he has no business using a secure messaging app. that prevents transparency. If he has a history of cheating he should have lost that privilege.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:13 PM, Sunday, November 6th]