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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Has anyone been in this situation?

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 anotherbrokenheart (original poster new member #82267) posted at 1:41 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

I’ll try to keep this terse:

1. Affair 0: there were a lot of red flags during marriage, many I chose to ignore because I wanted to be the "cool wife" or didn’t want to be nagging. Red flags were: sudden isolation, no physical contact for months at a time, found out he was talking badly about me.. but I thought I was crazy.

2. Affair #1: 4-5 years ago, before children; multiple eye witness accounts of him and another woman in our town, he made excuses and denied it and finally I believed him. Although he had many "too close for comfort" relationships with women at that time, he had never mentioned her name to me, not even once. Which is odd, since he had public "friendships" with other women, that would likely bother even the "most chill" wife. And I had actually seen a racy text from her in his phone about a year prior, that I chose to ignore. *the only time I ever went through his phone* Over the years, he has resisted less and less to his denial. But I moved on, despite never getting a true apology. We saw a therapist a few times, who told me during our private session that I should be going through his phone/emails, and I have never thought this was okay (see above).

2. Affair #1.5: he goes out of town for an event, but I got uninvited. He came home a day later than scheduled, saying he got too drunk, etc and stayed out too late. No speaking for a week. Came home with a missing wedding ring. "I accidentally lost it when I went swimming". And then found it in his luggage when I was doing the laundry. I suspected a few women, particularly one, never got proof. This tension eventually subsided. And I ended up getting pregnant that year. Relationship becomes very happy and strong (so I thought..)

3. Affair #2: during my first pregnancy, he takes another trip, and comes home a changed man. No more physical contact, leaving the house frequently, very protective of electronics, all the signs I’d become familiar with. I begged and pleaded and asked him to confess. Even walked up on him having a phone call with the girl I suspected, but he still managed to make me believe it wasn’t happening. (Side note: he wanted to name our unborn daughter after this person which makes me gag in retrospect). Finally FINALLY I get the nerve to snoop, something I should have done years ago. I flew to meet him in another country at 33 weeks pregnant, at the last minute. He left his Apple Watch in his hotel room, and I charged it, and boom: "I love you" "kissing you is great" and all the other nauseating BS , all from who I suspected. Also saw him saying HORRIBLE and untrue things about me to all of his friends. I called him out immediately, and he explained it all away. We get back to the states, and I talk to lawyers, all of whom tell me I can’t file while pregnant in that state. And you know the rest… we eventually reconcile in the months leading up to birth. And after birth, things are amazing with us, probably the best they’d ever been. I still considered divorce but things were "so great", I didn’t do it.

4. Affair #3: I become pregnant again, something I didn’t want or plan for (I work a very busy job and felt like I was missing out on my first baby’s life as it was…) but within 24 hours of taking the test, I was already thrilled. And for good reason, coolest baby ever, couldn’t go on without her. But wouldn’t you know, abrupt change in his behavior begins about 2-3 months later. Traveling all the time (for work, he says…. But he isn’t actually earning a profit, and on social media, appears to be living the good life), all while I work my ass off and take care of our first child alone. He is spending thousands on food, hotels, etc during these trips. I’m so scared of our relationship failing that I don’t even say anything about it. But he denies it all. I suspected a girl from affair #1.5 based on some social media but also thought it could be more than 1 person. But time goes on, I’m in this desperate head space of begging and crying and pleading and being pathetic. I also work a very stressful job, and fully support our family. (I am not complaining about being a support system, I happily agreed to this, but obviously I had no help in the childcare, household, etc department during all of this). After giving birth, I slowly started to change. I finally became able to reconcile that he just didn’t love me/care about me…. And I could manage.
Fast forward another 6 months, and I am fully emotionally withdrawn from him. He took notice and of course, tried reconciliation but denied his behavior and said he was just stressed during that time. But his reconciliation attempts were pretty weak. I finally went through our phone records, and there it was: he talked to the girl I suspected daily, sometimes an hour at a time, ever since the time period where his behavior changed. He was also talking to other women in this way too. We just moved recently for me to hopefully have "less" stress, which is how I had a few days of down time and actually investigate. He was of course, out of town while I was moving us in.. etc.

I have talked to several lawyers in our new state and old state, and no one can give me a divorce until we have been here 6 months. There may be a smallll chance I could try, but sounds like it may backfire. In the meantime, I have been trying to play it smart, but he found a letter to a lawyer in my work bag so my cover got blown a bit. And I eventually told him I saw the phone records. He admitted to an emotional affair, just with that girl (the others are "just friends!") but has downplayed all of it. He is making more of an attempt to win me back now than he was a few months ago. Lawyers suggested a PI to nail down some evidence, and I have the finances to do it, but he’s on to me now and I don’t think he’s going to do anything that obvious for the time being. I have been playing it somewhat nice, also aimed at reconciliation… for the sake of my sanity and I don’t want my babies to feel any undue tension. However we are still in separate bedrooms and I am still emotionless. I did ask him to move out a few times, but he won’t and also I can’t make him.

I am once again stuck being married to the man who cheated on me. While pregnant. I already have a full time nanny from the birth of my second kid, because I only got 2 weeks maternity leave and have no extra help.

Anyone been here before and have advice?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2022
id 8762868
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:08 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

(((Broken-hearted))) hugs to you first.

Just play it cool for now. My PI told me to chill, that when they think things are back to normal, they usually are more careless and he’d be able to get pics for me.

I also couldn’t get my xh out of here until I filed and asked for exclusive use of our house in the initial filing.(which you should get bc of the children).

I think think while you’re going thru this find a support group and an IC. The support groups are also online and on the phone!! I used Alanon and SAanon phone and in person groups to help me. Also check out your local Domestic violence center. Ours told me that emotional abuse is domestic violence!! They consider a cheating spouse gaslighting me as emotional abuse. They consider this a cycle of abuse and unhealthy living conditions. The counselors there were phenomenal in their training of getting my broken pieces back together to help me and my children break the cycle-and really in a short time. And for basically free since I was extremely broke at the time.

Keep posting here. There are some really caring people here.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5452   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8762878
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:03 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

If it is just a straight divorce with shared custody you don’t need more. You can always divorce in a no fault state. If yours requires proof that is different. If you are trying for full custody then a PI might help but it is what he does as a parent that the court needs to hear. You need to document anything he does that has a bad impact on them. No opinions however, just facts. If you document everything your attorney will clear out anything that does pertain to the kids.
If yours requires a long separation find out whether you can live in the same house but have no intimate relations anymore.
Frankly, if you are ready to move on just do it. Your mental and physical health depends on it.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8763055
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 anotherbrokenheart (original poster new member #82267) posted at 2:09 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

Thank you both sincerely for your replies. I am ready (just as I was ready a few years ago…), but I legally cannot file here due to not meeting the residency requirement for a few more months. I’m just trying to make sure there’s nothing else I can/should be doing in the interim.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2022
id 8763056
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:20 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

I’m just trying to make sure there’s nothing else I can/should be doing in the interim.

There's nothing stopping you from getting your ducks in a row and proceeding as if you were divorced. Talk with your attorney to figure out what that likely looks like. Just because the filling has to wait doesn't mean you can't move towards that goal now. Figure out the finances. Separating accounts and bills equitably with an eye towards separation and divorce. With or without his participation. Setting up child custody. Fix a schedule in writing when both of you will have the kids. Mirror the likely schedule post D. On your kid-free nights be elsewhere even if it's walking in the park or reading in the library. On your nights do things with the kids without regard to his presence. Note when you have to cover for him on his nights.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:21 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8763066
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 2:58 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

First off, sorry to hear that you are here and having a difficult time with an asshole cheater. This man is a serial cheater who wouldn't know fidelity it if fell off a truck and smacked him in the fact.

One thing that floored me is that you were unable to divorce while pregnant? I've never heard of that. Why is that a thing? I'm just beside myself as how needlessly cruel that is as a policy, especially considering all the different scenarios in which a woman could be pregnant and also in imminent danger from her spouse.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 269   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8763107
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 3:01 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

Thank you both sincerely for your replies. I am ready (just as I was ready a few years ago…), but I legally cannot file here due to not meeting the residency requirement for a few more months. I’m just trying to make sure there’s nothing else I can/should be doing in the interim.

Can you start separate accounts and putting money away there? Maybe have your paycheck deposited there and no more in the joint account (assuming you have joint accounts). Start preparing and living your life separate from his in every way possible. I would also look at implementing the hard 180. Detach from him and stop being his wife, since he replaced you, nay, he never really took you as his wife, because he has very likely never been faithful to you at all. Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking him meals, stop buying his favorite foods, etc. etc. Detach yourself and treat him as a roommate until the day that you can file and be done with him.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 269   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8763108
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