Has anyone been in this situation?

I’ll try to keep this terse:

1. Affair 0: there were a lot of red flags during marriage, many I chose to ignore because I wanted to be the "cool wife" or didn’t want to be nagging. Red flags were: sudden isolation, no physical contact for months at a time, found out he was talking badly about me.. but I thought I was crazy.

2. Affair #1: 4-5 years ago, before children; multiple eye witness accounts of him and another woman in our town, he made excuses and denied it and finally I believed him. Although he had many "too close for comfort" relationships with women at that time, he had never mentioned her name to me, not even once. Which is odd, since he had public "friendships" with other women, that would likely bother even the "most chill" wife. And I had actually seen a racy text from her in his phone about a year prior, that I chose to ignore. *the only time I ever went through his phone* Over the years, he has resisted less and less to his denial. But I moved on, despite never getting a true apology. We saw a therapist a few times, who told me during our private session that I should be going through his phone/emails, and I have never thought this was okay (see above).

2. Affair #1.5: he goes out of town for an event, but I got uninvited. He came home a day later than scheduled, saying he got too drunk, etc and stayed out too late. No speaking for a week. Came home with a missing wedding ring. "I accidentally lost it when I went swimming". And then found it in his luggage when I was doing the laundry. I suspected a few women, particularly one, never got proof. This tension eventually subsided. And I ended up getting pregnant that year. Relationship becomes very happy and strong (so I thought..)

3. Affair #2: during my first pregnancy, he takes another trip, and comes home a changed man. No more physical contact, leaving the house frequently, very protective of electronics, all the signs I’d become familiar with. I begged and pleaded and asked him to confess. Even walked up on him having a phone call with the girl I suspected, but he still managed to make me believe it wasn’t happening. (Side note: he wanted to name our unborn daughter after this person which makes me gag in retrospect). Finally FINALLY I get the nerve to snoop, something I should have done years ago. I flew to meet him in another country at 33 weeks pregnant, at the last minute. He left his Apple Watch in his hotel room, and I charged it, and boom: "I love you" "kissing you is great" and all the other nauseating BS , all from who I suspected. Also saw him saying HORRIBLE and untrue things about me to all of his friends. I called him out immediately, and he explained it all away. We get back to the states, and I talk to lawyers, all of whom tell me I can’t file while pregnant in that state. And you know the rest… we eventually reconcile in the months leading up to birth. And after birth, things are amazing with us, probably the best they’d ever been. I still considered divorce but things were "so great", I didn’t do it.

4. Affair #3: I become pregnant again, something I didn’t want or plan for (I work a very busy job and felt like I was missing out on my first baby’s life as it was…) but within 24 hours of taking the test, I was already thrilled. And for good reason, coolest baby ever, couldn’t go on without her. But wouldn’t you know, abrupt change in his behavior begins about 2-3 months later. Traveling all the time (for work, he says…. But he isn’t actually earning a profit, and on social media, appears to be living the good life), all while I work my ass off and take care of our first child alone. He is spending thousands on food, hotels, etc during these trips. I’m so scared of our relationship failing that I don’t even say anything about it. But he denies it all. I suspected a girl from affair #1.5 based on some social media but also thought it could be more than 1 person. But time goes on, I’m in this desperate head space of begging and crying and pleading and being pathetic. I also work a very stressful job, and fully support our family. (I am not complaining about being a support system, I happily agreed to this, but obviously I had no help in the childcare, household, etc department during all of this). After giving birth, I slowly started to change. I finally became able to reconcile that he just didn’t love me/care about me…. And I could manage.
Fast forward another 6 months, and I am fully emotionally withdrawn from him. He took notice and of course, tried reconciliation but denied his behavior and said he was just stressed during that time. But his reconciliation attempts were pretty weak. I finally went through our phone records, and there it was: he talked to the girl I suspected daily, sometimes an hour at a time, ever since the time period where his behavior changed. He was also talking to other women in this way too. We just moved recently for me to hopefully have "less" stress, which is how I had a few days of down time and actually investigate. He was of course, out of town while I was moving us in.. etc.

I have talked to several lawyers in our new state and old state, and no one can give me a divorce until we have been here 6 months. There may be a smallll chance I could try, but sounds like it may backfire. In the meantime, I have been trying to play it smart, but he found a letter to a lawyer in my work bag so my cover got blown a bit. And I eventually told him I saw the phone records. He admitted to an emotional affair, just with that girl (the others are "just friends!") but has downplayed all of it. He is making more of an attempt to win me back now than he was a few months ago. Lawyers suggested a PI to nail down some evidence, and I have the finances to do it, but he’s on to me now and I don’t think he’s going to do anything that obvious for the time being. I have been playing it somewhat nice, also aimed at reconciliation… for the sake of my sanity and I don’t want my babies to feel any undue tension. However we are still in separate bedrooms and I am still emotionless. I did ask him to move out a few times, but he won’t and also I can’t make him.

I am once again stuck being married to the man who cheated on me. While pregnant. I already have a full time nanny from the birth of my second kid, because I only got 2 weeks maternity leave and have no extra help.

Anyone been here before and have advice?

6 comments posted: Sunday, October 30th, 2022