Wounded, I have a big list of thoughts and hope one of them helps:
1. I definitely have PTSD from this, so I get it. My circumstances were particularly traumatic with a psycho AP almost pushing me to end my life, but I won't go into detail. Just to say genuinely, my physical snd mental state were massively impacted and I recognise everything you describe.
2. I think part of staying trapped in the trauma is related to mental looping of not understanding how your spouse was responsible for harming you. Your post screams out that you are understandably stuck in this loop.
3. Cheaters, in cheating mode, lie a lot. They're after a feeling and I think they lie to get it. So I disagree with the premise she must have felt this.
4. Women lie to men about their dick. Maybe not all the time but they do. My husband, who I love, isn't as good in bed as my ex but I love him and desire him more. Nope, I'd never tell him.
5. A lot of people have commented that your wife's words were particularly harsh, which they were. But if we're all honest with ourselves, at some point probably all our waywards thought the AP had something worth ruining their life for.
6. I definitely agree with others that you can feel something at one time and then feel grossed out that you ever felt that years ago. I have exes I can't believe I ever looked at.
7. I can't speak for all Women but my husband is funny looking and I've dated much more handsome or successful men. But it's my husband I fell in love with. So even if it's all true, it's still you she loves.
8. I don't think affairs are a fantasy, so much as that they aren't based on anything valuable. It's usually two shitty people trying to get flattered. I am sure this is why the sparkle generally fades pretty quickly.
9. I haven't experienced what you did as my WH never insulted me to the AP, but he did allow her to terrorise me to a point of honestly being severely ill and all the while he thought she was a good person who was just upset. He sees now that good people don't f**k other people's husbands and then terrorise them for months. I know how much it hurts.
10. Although my WHs affair wasn't really romantic, he had deep fried bonds with this woman and I was shown messages which haunt me. I understand how you feel. It's utterly terrible
I'm so sorry for your trauma.
The book another poster recommended is awesome.
Relaxing things help (spas , aromas, mindfulness)
What's going to really heal you though is to make peace with this