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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Going to see BH for the first time since he filed.

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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

We have worked it out that I am going to go to his house Sunday to pick up all the stuff that I left there when I moved out. There are things there that mean a lot to me and although right now I still don’t have my own place I am going to put them in storage. He had been firm that, no, I cannot continue to leave them at his house. I understand this as it must be difficult for him to have my belongings there.

My sister is going to come with me. For the first time since all this happened she has actually been understanding with me and apologized to me for some of her snide comments. I poured my heart out to her about how badly hurt I am that he doesn’t want to reconcile with me. I really thought we had a chance.

Anyway he says this is part of him getting on with his life and I can understand that. It’s going to be very emotional for me to go back to that house that we once shared and planned to have a family in. I am reminded that before D-Day we were planning a trip to Hawaii for fall of 2022. Now that money is going to lawyers.

I understand this is all my fault. I brought this on with my selfish self destructive decisions. But it still hurts so badly to know I’ll never be with him again.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8758202
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:37 PM on Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

I’m glad you have your sister. It’s very sad, and as you know, it was 100% avoidable.
But if you do the work and dig in to your whys, you can become the person you want to be. And then there can be bright futures.
Good luck.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5103   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8758211
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 2:47 AM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

I am working on my why’s as you say. Have been in therapy since January. As far as bright futures I just don’t see it right now.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8758255
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

We have worked it out that I am going to go to his house Sunday to pick up all the stuff that I left there when I moved out.

You already know how hard this will be for you. Make it as short as possible. Ask him to have all the stuff ready to go for you. You do not want to have to roam room to room because you will run into memory lane full force.

I would recommend not even seeing him if possible. IE ask to have the stuff in the gargage, porch, or right inside the doorway so you can literally grab it and go.

If you find you are there and just can't...lean on your sister to go in and get the stuff.

posts: 6776   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8758292
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Gently, you'd be better cutting out your self-pity, and instead consider the pain your BH is in right now. HIS world got blown up just as yours was, only it is even worse for him. Not just with your having an affair, but your making fun of him to the OM. Those are very very deep wounds you inflicted on him, I have to say. From his vantage point--why SHOULD he want to reconcile with you?

As if he even has much of a CHOICE to reconcile. The awful mind-movies of him reaching out to you fall 2020 and getting blown off time and time again, while you were laughing at him with your OM, are likely torturing him when it comes to trying again with you. These mind movies probably won't even LET your husband reconcile with you.

Just to give you some context on how hard things are for your BH. I understand you are in a lot of pain too. You can build back just a bit of trust back, by being fair and generous to your BH in the divorce, as well as getting to the root of your why's to become a safe partner.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:06 AM, Thursday, October 6th]

posts: 428   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8758336
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

Why not avoid face-to-face completely? Ask him to leave everything outside at an appointed time, ideally when he’s not there.

If you do end up seeing each other, as EvenKeel said, just be as brief as possible. Hello thank you goodbye. No unnecessary conversation.

Please know that NOT breaking down crying in front of him is probably the most compassionate thing you can possibly do. Even though he initiated this divorce, he didn’t choose this situation or come to this decision lightly; seeing you is going to be very difficult for him. If you truly care about, don’t burden him with your feelings of loss.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:00 PM, Monday, October 10th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8758964
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 3:54 AM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

I did the pick up of my stuff. He ignored me pretty much. He did talk to my sister for a while outside while I packed up my things. I’m not sure what they talked about because I didn’t ask and she didn’t say. He had packed all our wedding photos and things into a box so I have all that stuff. I know I cause all of this. People make remarks to me to cut out the self pity as if I don’t know the pain I’ve caused this man who didn’t ask for it. I know what I did and I know I’m on the wrong. I also agree that I don’t even have the right to be upset that he slept with an other woman after we separated. My next step is to find an apartment. As one poster said I am not going to be aggressive in the divorce. I have no interest in punishing him any further. The house was his before we started dating anyway. There’s really not much more for us to split. I’ve already told my lawyer that I’ll wait and see what he asks for in the divorce and more than likely I’ll just give him what he asks. As my father asked me what kind of woman would cheat on a man and then demand alimony or part of his retirement?

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8759166
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

Lost, I hope you are attending to your health through all this. It took me quite a while to get a somewhat healthy balance of diet and exercise after the fallout of my wandering.

posts: 20   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8759606
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 4:53 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Thinking of you, LAH. I can't remember if I suggested stopping by Former Waywards Not in Reconciliation in the I Can Relate forum. It doesn't get much traffic, but I see that one WS who has successfully rebuilt after divorce was in there recently.

I'm glad your sister was there to support you. It's hard to rebuild ourselves as remorseful waywards and even harder to do it completely alone.

WW/BW

posts: 2952   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8759813
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:57 AM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

LandH

I just wanted to encourage you to continue to work on yourself during the weeks and months and even years ahead. It’s important not to stop the self evaluation even when it gets hard.

Also I wanted to let you know that I do agree with others that your husband would never have cheated if you hadn’t hurt him so. BUT, I want to add that I also believe it is understandable that you were hurt by him taking that step.

I do not believe the 2 things, you causing him to think a revenge affair would help him and you being hurt by it, are mutually exclusive. They are not. They both can be true.

As for the divorce I actually see it as a good thing for both of you. Of course best scenario would be that you never cheated and you worked through any issues you had together. But unfortunately that wasn’t the case. You broke your vows. Those were the basis for the marriage. And you both need to acknowledge that ended the marriage.

As for him, I think he needs to legally and publicly acknowledge that fact through divorce. If I were you I’d make sure he knows you don’t blame him one bit for doing it and you hope someday he can get to a point where he can stomach having you in his life again in some shape or form.

I think the D will enable him to let go and move on. It will make it easier, even though the D process will be emotional and difficult, for him to then work on himself and think long and hard on what makes him happy.

Perhaps down the line he will realize that is you. That’s always a possibility. And if he does, and that’s what you want at the time, weeks months or even years from now, then make sure you absolutely show him how much you desire and love and respect him.

Good luck.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3475   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8761855
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

I am sorry, LAH, if what I said in my earlier post came across as another harsh word to you. If there is a something that is clear, it is that not only are you in serious pain yourself, but you are clearly remorseful for your actions and that you are doing everything you can to change for the better. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but keep in mind that, as we head into the Christmas Season, Jesus came and died for the sins of ALL of us. All the best to you moving forward...

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:52 PM, Wednesday, October 26th]

posts: 428   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8762266
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

Did you ever let the obs know?

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8762687
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

No stop sign on this thread but have read all of your posts, including under your other handle.

I will not dig or pound on you as I know from reading your threads that life is doing enough of that right now and you dont need anyone else piling on.

As a former betrayed, I will say that the odds are greatly stacked against amy sort of R attempt in the near future. The marriage has been shot in the head and all that remains is the funeral by divorce where it can be laid to rest. I think that at this point, this is the best course of action and I am sorry. To read of a young marriage, still in its infancy, killed by infidelity is simply tragic and I have lived something similar although we tried to R immediately and both failed and lived in it miserably for a decade.

See, among all of the other horrific aspects of this betrayal, the heart of the heart, the core of the core, is the severing of the pair bond. Pair bonding is more than marriage, in fact, pair bonding is what leads to sealing that pair bond with the exchange of rings & vows and coming together as a married team...supposedly for life (til death do us part and all that).

When the WS enters into adultery, they are somewhat anesthetized from the pain of severing the bond to their BS by limerance which HAS been compared to a drug. When the BS learns of the affair, they experience the severing of the bond sans anesthsea, kind of like surgery with no sedation, and the pain is indescribable (I can attest). Many times the BS desperately looks for anything to deaden the pain, i.e. alcohol, drugs, venting, revenge affairs, tragically, even self deletion to make it stop or at least take the edge off. This is not to say that a WS does not experience pain, its just delayed until limerance wears off then it kicks in in earnest, especially if the WS is even somewhat remorseful. It is then that they too may begin to try their own methods of sedating the pain of their betrayal. Both then are caught in feedback loops of terrible pain (and anger for the BS) and it takes a herculean effort on both party's part to start to right the ship of their individual lives, let alone trying to establish a brand new pair bond which is a bridge wayyyyy to far for most imo.

One of the biggest reasons I hold little hope for any R attempt for you in the near future as that you have so little marital history to fall back on and your foundation story, the story of your early years together, has been blown apart.

The only two similar stories Ive come across where there was a successful R, happened years after divorce and the BS had gotten healing away from their marital traitor. Time and distance played their part also, and a new pair bond was forged.

So, is it impossible to R? No. No its not. Is it improbable? Highly so.

As has been advised so many times on this site, work in yourself now. There is a huge gap in the moral/ethical fabric of your person that must be identified and filled in. It is generally the work of years.

Good luck OP. You have many years ahead of you. Use them well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:39 AM, Friday, November 4th]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8763460
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