SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some background information first before I can answer my own question.

My ex had a same sex A with OM. Ex was OM direct supervisor at work.

Ex suppressed his bisexual urges all his life growing up and did not have sex with another man until ex was in a relationship with me. (Lucky me )

After A came out, I outed ex and OM at work and got them both fired.

I told everyone the exact details of the A to get back at ex.

.

.

So, I got a ton more stigma than ex.

Clueless non BS saw me as the evil vindictive bitch.

They saw ex as a poor guy that was in the closet all his life and was finally "courageous" enough to explore his bisexuality and had a "silly " A.

How about you ?

Wow! What a crock of shit you had to endure!

You did the right thing outing them both. The whole "supervisor/underling" dynamic was an added layer of sick and you would have been open to a harassment lawsuit. Good on the company for firing both. Lawsuit waiting to happen.

And no, it's not ok to come out and use that as a justification for an A.

There's plenty of same-sex attracted spouses who discover their desires and plenty of exemplary cases where they discuss their orientation with their spouse first, get a D and THEN go explore.

Yeah, the homosexuality is not the problem. Your H's using that as a justification to pursue a fuckbuddy at work with one of his underlings is the problem.

ANYWAY, as WS I got wayyyy more flack than BS for the A. BH was encouraged by friends to hang in the M as, with all his financial and emotional abuse, "WW has been slowly dying of cancer here, you've had a heart attack." I don't know... I'm grateful for the friends who encouraged H to hang in there, but sometimes wonder if it was really fair at all for the to imply that he was the cause of my cancer and thus my A.

Either way, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I had MANY other options to get out than an A. So, yeah, I rightfully got shit for it.

I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I take real issue with the fact that we seem to be very dismissive of the pain that all infidelity causes people. I have a good friend (well, had, he passed away a few years ago) who was gay. He was married to another man and they had a wonderful marriage. I remember we were talking about the TV show Grace and Frankie. I mentioned how bad I felt for the two betrayed Wives because they discovered their whole marriages were a lie and that their WS's had robbed them of a big chunk of their lives. My friend got really angry and told me that I didn't appreciate that so many gay men were forced to into closeted lives. The thing is, I do get that. I feel bad for everyone involved. However, the gay men forced into the closet are not the only victims in that situation. The wives should not be all "Oh well, I guess it's okay that I lost 40 years of my life living a lie." To me, it perpetuates the idea that women's roles are to serve and support men in all aspects.

Forced into the closet is very different than being forced to marry. I seem to remember being given an option during the ceremony. And yes, stupid me said "I do"...

Stigma? Well I guess my EXWW would own that to some degree, but I don't think people really care at this point. It's not part of their lives. Yes, her extended family will whisper about her when she leaves a room no doubt, but even that gets old. People gossip for a bit and then move on.

They saw ex as a poor guy that was in the closet all his life and was finally "courageous" enough to explore his bisexuality and had a "silly " A.

This is the special shit sandwich that is served to a BS whose WS engages in same sex A... your pain is invalidated,as if you're supposed to be proud to discover that your relationship is a lie and that your health has been put at risk, and that your WS had no other options a part from stabbing you in the back.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

My XW "discovered" she was gay and started cheating. I don't use the phrase "decided she was gay" because, with perfect 20/20 hindsight, I know she was gay the entire 32 years of marriage, but I only realized that after I started dating after my divorce. She only recognized it after she started cheating 27 years into the marriage and tried to suppress it for about 3 years. We're both better off now.

But, I remember telling her that I was going to tell all of our mutual friends and my family what she was doing. She begged me not to and said it would be shameful. I asked her if it was the gay part or the cheating part. She had no real response to that. I told her that the cheating was worse than becoming a lesbian because at least it was being honest. She never had a single idea that she might be gay until the cheating started.

I also considered outing her and her new partner as it started when the partner was her direct supervisor, but by that time, I was well and truly done with the marriage and saw no point in it.

The people that matter to me are on my side. I could give one single solitary shit what her 'allies' think about me. They aren't important to me.

Sure it was a giant blow to my ego, but I've recovered from that and life is good now. I have a couple of good friends that are gay. They support me because they can not tolerate cheaters.

I don't think it matters what the 'orientation' is. A cheater is a cheater. No one gets a free pass.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 5:07 AM, Wednesday, October 5th]

"if you're supposed to be proud to discover that your relationship is a lie and that your health has been put at risk, and that your WS had no other options a part from stabbing you in the back.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this."

I second this.

And to answer your question,
Me. Because somehow he convinced a whole bunch of people that I was an aweful spouse he was fully justified in cheating on (when I was life threateningly sick no less). And if I had given him enough of his particular flavor of sex (which he never disclosed before marriage so I could consent or not to that sort of non vanilla lifestyle) then he would not have cheated on me. (Not that he was basically a porn addict who chose a secret second life that exposed me to disease and destroyed my mental health for decades with his lying, gaslighting and cheating treatment of me...nope not that )

Good luck to the people who had so little empathy for me. I would tell them that hanging around an unrepentant cheater is like playing in traffic thinking you won't get run over...but I am by their accounts "a bitter ex" so they would not listen to me anyway.

Sorry for the pain your husband's choice to lie to you and risk your health caused you. And sorry for how unempathetic people have been to your pain.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.