SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this Thursday is what would have been our 21st wedding anniversary. I’m dreading it.

I have very little contact with WH. Maybe once a week or so there will be a text msg regarding our sons or something about the house but that’s it. For the most part I just try not to think about him. But with our anniversary is approaching, I'm thinking about him more and more- Is he happy? Is he back with AP? Or maybe someone else? Will he ever introduce our sons to a gf? Does he regret what happened? Does he think of me at all?
This shit goes round and round my head. It has become so loud this past week or so.
I’d love to hear how you got through a day that used to hold such special memories without completely falling apart?

Weekends are slow...so please don't get discouraged if you don't see too many responses.

For ME...the DREAD I felt when anticipating the "special memory day" was actually worse than when the "special memory day" came. Once I was IN it...it wasn't so bad . From this I learned to calm my lizard brain down and just FEEL the feelings. It is hard to believe that certain days will never have this type of power over you...until one day...they don't .

The "firsts" are always the worst. So please remember...after you get through THIS day...NEXT year at this time won't be as bad as this time. Then the next year...it won't be as bad as the last one. TIME has a way of helping us get through these days .

What worked for ME...was having POSITIVE memories to combat the negative ones. For instance...one of my ultimatums to my H on Dday was that he had to PLAN a FABULOUS vacation for US the next year...at times when their FIRSTS were...first date...first kiss...etc. He planned a vacation with a train ride...a FIRST for US...to a city we had never been to before...another FIRST...and to places in that city that were also a FIRST time for us . It was HORRIBLE...at the time. I remember tears running down my cheek when we were in line to see a famous attraction...the Willis Tower...formerly known as the Sears Tower. I had an encounter with a young kindergartner who was PETRIFIED to go on the ledge...but her friends were there for her...encouraging her...holding their hands out for her to just reach out to them. That young...frightened child...trusted her friends...and with tears streaming down HER face...she CONQUERED that fear and stepped onto that ledge . It was AMAZING!!! THAT is what I remember the most of THAT day...and it truly does HELP me to combat the memory of what was happening the year before .

Is there something YOU can do on that day that will bring back positive memories for YOU? A tour of a city you never took...even though you may have been to that city multiple times? A visit with a friend who always has a way of cheering you up? Anything POSITIVE? If you are like ME...it may not FEEL positive at the time...but that memory will HELP you to remember it as something that was positive for YOU .

The first anniversary after DDay. UGH. Lizard Brain in overdrive. Much like W2BHA says - the dreading it was worse than the actual day.

I took the day off work and took myself on a date. Is it possible for you to do something like that? Something YOU want to do for YOU?

I completely empathize with you. What used to be a special day now commemorates the day he made false promises that he couldn't be bothered to keep. My anniversary date was further tarnished when I found out they had sex on that day just after the A began. AP knew it was our anniversary. WH decided it was his anniversary and he "deserved" to do what made him feel good. Our first anniversary since D-Day was this past May. I was actually glad that we both had Covid and could do nothing more than sit in the house. He ordered me a necklace online. I wasn't impressed.

Thank you W2BHA, Chaos and Fire&Water.

Yes, I think planning something nice to do sounds good. My youngest son has his best friend’s bday party at 6.30pm.
My 19 year old said he will come straight home after work and we can get some takeaway for dinner together. I said that sounds perfect.

I seriously don’t know what I’d do without my boys.

I sent WH an email for our anniversary tomorrow. Not sure if it will be read by anyone but I wanted to share it anyway…

For better or for worse.
Till death do us part.
Always and forever.

These are the promises you made on this day, 21 years ago. The commitment you made that you couldn’t honor.

How naive and innocent I was to believe in our happily ever after.

Now the house that once felt like my safe space, filled with love and laughs and our boys’ childhood,
is a painful reminder of the life we used to share.
And even though I’ve changed things to try to make it feel different,
there are still spaces I can’t stand to be in
because you feel too much a part of them.

So tomorrow I will mourn for all the things I lost and all the things we once shared as a family…

I won’t mourn the life I had-
a life of lies and living with a stranger,
But I will mourn the life I thought we were going to have-
The future we were supposed to share
The family memories
Being a part of our boys’ lives as they become men and start their own families
Growing old together.

I will also be grateful-

Grateful that I no longer have to worry about where you are
Or who you are with
And I’m no longer haunted when u go away
Unable to sleep
Sick with anxiety
At the thought of you sleeping with someone else.

Grateful I’m not the one responsible for the most painful experience the boys will ever go through-
The one thing that will stay with them and change who they are forever.

Grateful for the people who have stepped up to help our boys with things that you, as their father, should have been around to help them with.

And grateful for the things you have taught me-

That the way someone treats you is more important that the words they say to you.

That cheating is always a choice. Not a mistake.

That the truth will always come out, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

And when I find myself getting sucked back into the darkness
I just have to remind myself-
I can survive what feels like the end of my world.
As long as I have my boys,
I have love and light in my life.