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So today I feel proud of myself and put my walls/boundaries up.

I had to forward an email to WS, I just put "for you" as the text, no hello no kisses at the end, nothing. He replied with "Good morning, thanks blah blah xx".

Later in the day he WhatsApp’s me - Hello, gives me some information about his health and then asks "how are you doing? xx

I’ve ignored it, luckily it came through on my watch so I haven’t had to open the message on my phone so he doesn’t know I have read it. Earlier in the day I changed my settings so the app now does not show the last time I was active or when I’m online.

I would have been weaker with my replies if I had not earlier seen a new purchase on our credit card today for a zoo local to where he and the AP are. A day ticket for 2 adults and one child. So he’s had a lovely family day out at the zoo and then asked how I am. NO NO NO NO NO it doesn’t work like that anymore Mr.

One day at a time ……

It's interesting that you use the excuse that his previous marriage was unhappy.

He's simply doing what he did with you. You have to know he is saying to her, what you said to us about your affair with him. He's telling her he was unhappy. He's making excuses to her about why he would have an affair. I mean, it's not like he's saying "my marriage is wonderful, my wife is awesome!" to the OW. He's telling her he's been unhappy for a long time etc. Having an affair is a horrible thing to do. He doesn't want her to think badly of him. So he is making that excuse to her.

There is never a good reason to have an affair. Now that you are the betrayed, you will come to realize that.

About 6 weeks ago

The guy does have a pattern. He left his wife for you, 6 weeks after meeting you, and now,again, he has left for another woman he reunited with 6 weeks ago.

OP,I hope you realize just how gentle posters are being with you. You are an OW and you husband is an OM posting on an infidelity website in which the vast majority of members have been devastated by people, well, like you. And despite the trauma of betrayal that these people have suffered, they are still willing to reach out, in their pain, with compassion and kindness, speaks volumes to the human condition. I don't say this in a spirit of condemnation, but to show you what is possible. Earn this.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:50 AM, Thursday, September 29th]

Justsomeguy ( member) posted at 4:49 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022
OP,I hope you realize just how gentle posters are being with you. You are an OW and you husband is an OM posting on an infidelity website in which the vast majority of members have been devastated by people, well, like you. And despite the trauma of betrayal that these people have suffered, they are still willing to reach out, in their pain, with compassion and kindness, speaks volumes to the human condition. I don't say this in a spirit of condemnation, but to show you what is possible. Earn this.

Yes I do realise and am very aware of how our relationship started. I am also very grateful for the advice I have been provided with. Pain, in any circumstances is hard to bear and for people to reach out shows there is good around. Thank you everyone.

Speaking as a FWW, I think there's a fair amount of unpacking of your own history that will help you understand why you were so blindsided here. One of the intoxications of an affair is the belief that it proves you/your love with the AP is exceptional. In your case, your future husband left his wife and young child after only six weeks to be with you, and you led what sounds like a fairly charmed life thereafter. You weren't worried about this ex-girlfriend, not because of your husband's boundaries and integrity (he proved long ago that he doesn't have any) but because you thought he threw everything away years ago for you. Surely, someone who would walk out on his family for love wouldn't put that love at risk?

But this is the thing we try to explain to all new arrivals, BS and WS: the affair is about the WS, not the AP. Your husband has a pattern. He looks at stress in his life and grabs for an escape via another woman. He thinks he loves her as much as you. He may, I'm afraid, think he loves her more than he loves you. At this stage, it's all fantasy and hormones and possibly a midlife crisis, but it feels real to both of them -- and familiar to him, because infidelity worked out well for him before. He also feels responsible for her because he's still wrapped up in the myth of exceptionalism. He believes that if he dumped her, he would "break her heart." At the base of that assumption is his belief that he's just that amazing and hard to get over. That belief is filling a hole in him that has nothing to do with her, or you, or his ex-wife. It's a deep insecurity that requires constant proof of his value.

I speak from experience here, because I was a lot like your H, in love with my BS but infatuated with the idea of myself as irresistible. I had a false sense of responsibility for the OM, too. The only thing that healed me was absorbing that cheating is always about something missing in the cheater. It's never about an irresistible attraction, no matter who the AP is.

So today I feel proud of myself and put my walls/boundaries up.

Excellent start. You can't control what he does, but you can always control YOU. His treatment of you has been unacceptable, so this is the first step in not tolerating the intolerable. Note how casual his contact with you was, like you should just be patiently waiting on the shelf where he put you.

I think you'd be smart to get a consultation with an attorney so you know what to expect. Knowledge is power and it looks like you just sold a house and all that. Best not to get caught off guard.

You'd probably do well to read BraveSirRobin's insightful post a couple of times too, especially this part...

At the base of that assumption is his belief that he's just that amazing and hard to get over. That belief is filling a hole in him that has nothing to do with her, or you, or his ex-wife. It's a deep insecurity that requires constant proof of his value.

You can't fix that. Maybe, if he was motivated enough, he might fix it in therapy, but more often than not that kind of insecurity, that need for external validation, doesn't go away on it's own. Typically, that kind of WS is going to need to hit rock bottom before they're willing to look inward. This kind of behavior is all about NOT looking inward, right?

Well done on your first boundary. It's a good one. He doesn't get to treat you casually while he's actively hurting you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:38 PM, Thursday, September 29th]

BraveSirRobin: Thank you for your post, I found it massively insightful and have probably reread it 30 times. It has really struck a cord.

CamomileTea: Thank you too

Hellfire: I take on board everything you said and again it has struck a cord.

BSR, your post was so insightful.

OP I really feel for you, in the context of BRSs post you've justifiably felt like your marriage was extra special, and now he's showing you it was also just part of how he does things.

Infidelity, especially when it blindsided you from someone you truly believed adores you, requires so much from us in terms of understanding.

It'll throw up all sorts of questions for you. You'll probably begin to realise people love in very different ways. Some are very selfish and you can't see it until they shock the hell out of you.

People aren't perfect. Sometimes they do really terrible things. It's a very bitter pill.

The truth is that no one loves anyone after a few weeks. They can be infatuated but even that has little to do with who the person really is. It's just external validation or a fantasy projected onto them.

I agree with everyone. Pull a hard 180. It might not shake him awake but it will save your dignity and self respect.

My H said he had zero feelings for the AP but after the A ended he missed her, frequently broke NC because although he didn't want her when she was chasing after him, he sure didn't like letting go of the ego boost or flattery or emotional intimacy.

So he was telling me he loved me, whilst ostensibly desiring another woman's attention and frequently harming me to get it.

I'd do anything to go back in time and tell him to F**k off. Not doing so made me feel bad about myself in the long run

Sweet Lady, please don’t hurt yourself… ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS…..and he has spoken.

Says cannot live life without you , but he surely is having a good time without you. Does not miss you…. Is going out, having love and sex but not with you. He does not need you.
Your marriage is OVER. He is in love with her.

Do not blind yourself to the truth. ELViS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING…
No contact….. do not go back to the UK in six weeks…

I took my kids and left him , I never laid eyes on him ever again. Refused all financial aid from him, no child support, no alimony, no house, no $$$$, just left.

He lost his children, they wanted no contact with him.

To this day he is still trying to talk to me to "explain himself"…….. I will never speak to him ever ever again.

Life is too short….. you deserve to be loved and cared for. Do not deprive yourself of love.

I met a wonderful man and he has made me very happy …. Will never remarry again but I’m very happy and at peace . Give yourself a second chance.
This movie is over and done with .😢😢

I wish if people wanted to have multiple loves they would do that ethically and not sneak around behind people's backs

I’m trying really hard with everything. I’m doing the 180 as very best I can but we are in different countries so it kind of makes it easier, if that makes any sense.

I am going out walking twice a day. My eating hasn’t got any better, it’s once a day but that meal is now more substantial. I’ve been out with new friends meeting other new people but it was hard. I kept being asked when is WS coming home. I kept the pretence up but god it was hard. I just wanted to scream "he’s not" but I’m not ready for that yet.

I’ve started writing down how I feel as overnight my brain was driving me insane and I wasn’t sleeping. I’m trying to get it all from my head to paper and it is helping. I also wrote a letter to the AP, nothing nasty just giving her some truths and telling her to be wary for herself. Doubt I’ll ever send it but it made me feel better writing it. I also emailed his 2 best friends last night and told them. He can’t hide his secret anymore. I expect fallout am on edge today.

There have been 2 texts between us both financial related. He is still asking how I am and giving kisses at the end. I am replying with very short basic answers and nothing else.

My friend I go walking with keeps telling me how amazingly I’m doing and I’m so cool. She can’t see my insides going around like a washing machine on spin.

I’ve been around my lounge and taken all his personal belongs out and put them in his wardrobe. I’ve moved my wedding rings to my right hand. I’m getting there and I will be ok. I’m still balling my eyes out at times and just feel so sad but I know this will pass.

The fallout from my emailed happened but not in the way I was expecting.

WS best friend called me to say how sorry he was. WS had only opened up partially to him last Thursday and my email had told a lot more of the story. Friend called WS today asking him what the hell he was doing and he was being a complete idiot. WS apparently told him that he loved me and was happy with me but didn’t know what to do and that he was a decent person and didn’t want to hurt me. His friend told him actually he didn’t think he was a decent person doing what he is doing! At this point after less than 5 mins WS ended the call. It obviously wasn’t going the way he wanted were the friend’s words to me.

WS friend told me not to think this was anything to do with me, that I’d done nothing wrong and my friendship with him and his wife would not end. The biggest thing he told me was to remember my worth. Not sure why but they were not what I expected to hear from a man. The words made me cry but lifted my heart too. He also told me his wife will want nothing to do with WS again so his circle of friends will be getting smaller.

He did question though whether it had been going on longer than a few weeks. He said he’d taken longer showers than it took WS to fall in love

At least there is one friendship I haven’t lost.

[This message edited by Scattercushion at 2:56 PM, Monday, October 3rd]

WS friend told me not to think this was anything to do with me, that I’d done nothing wrong and my friendship with him and his wife would not end. The biggest thing he told me was to remember my worth. Not sure why but they were not what I expected to hear from a man. The words made me cry but lifted my heart too. He also told me his wife will want nothing to do with WS again so his circle of friends will be getting smaller.

This is one of the reasons why building your own support network is so important. That friend got put into a situation where he had to examine his own values, and when he did, he found that he couldn't approve. Your WH's world shrinks accordingly as his transgressions become known. For some cheaters, this is a wake-up call. Others will dive further into their own rationalizations. For you though, there's reassurance that some people still share your values, and that the world itself has not become an evil place.

I'm not saying to run out willy-nilly and tell everyone you know. That can become uncomfortable too when you start feeling like the drama of your life has become public spectacle. But for the people who count, the influencers in both yours and your WH's lives.. sure, that can be a powerful tonic.

((hugs))

This morning I guess in terms of DDay was it. WS has told me by text that he loves me but is staying in the UK and with AP.

Lots of I love yous, lots of people are going to hate me, he wishes I could understand, he was being as honest as he could, he’s broken my heart, he’s broken and sobbing at every message he reads and sends and had the cheek to ask me what he should do! He asked if he could call me.

I was calm and told him he has done exactly as he wanted to do, that he wasn’t honest, that he could have stopped things but he didn’t want to. That he showed me no respect and that he was repeating exactly what he did 15 years ago by meeting me and then leaving his family after 6 weeks. I asked how and when his ex wife and I became to similar. Oh and no a call would not cut it, I knew that was only going to upset me hearing him balling about what he was losing knowing how good it is but still willing to throw it all away.

He didn’t like the 15 years ago bit. Says it was nothing similar again he couldn’t help how he felt. All the loving messages he sent me in August he meant he just can’t control how he feels.

WHAT A COMPLETE CROCK OF SHIT.

Reading posts on this forum gave me the strength to keep it non emotional, he kept on about his feelings I kept it relevant and gave him back some stripped back truth.

I have told him I am flying to the UK Monday and I want to see him. We have some complicated finances to sort out that I don’t want to do over text. Tuesday I’m going to his mums to tell her. Either he comes with me or he doesn’t but I have to tell her face to face. She’s 80, will be upset and be worried that she is going to lose her home as we both own it. I need to reassure her. He will be chicken and won’t do it. We get on fantastically so I couldn’t not do it regardless of her being his mum.

He keeps asking me how long I’m in the UK, what is he worried about? Oh apparently he’s worried about me

His words: "honestly you won’t believe me but I’m all over the place and im worried about you".
If it wasn’t so gut wrenching it would be funny.

Best text says "it might not be possible for you but I want to be your friend" I’m shouting at my phone REALLY YOU F***ING MORON, YOU KNOW YOU BROUGHT ME TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY, WE PLANNED OUR FOREVER AND 6 WEEKS BEFOREHAND YOU SAY OH SORRY NO I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE I HAVE A NEW LOVE SO NO YOU CANNOT BE MY FRIEND. YOU LOST THAT RIGHT THE DAY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN".

I have asked my friend coming at the weekend if she will sit down and help me go through finances and how I would like them sorted. Even though I have a naturally sensible head I know it’s pretty screwed up right now so I need outside guidance. Finances are a weekend job.

Tonight I’m going out for dinner with friends still. I def don’t want to eat but need to keep occupied. It’s 5pm here, I’ve nearly got through the day, just the night left. Maybe I’ll sleep now it’s real.

I am so sorry that this is happening. You are heard and are in my prayers. Your husband is ridiculous in keep repeating "I can't help my feelings". It reminds me of "Dangerous Liasons" where the character keeps saying something is "beyond my control". F@@k his feelings..

I am glad you have a friend helping you go over the finances this weekend. You are the prize!!

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 7:50 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]