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Divorce/Separation :
Say something or keep my mouth shut?

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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 2:39 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Need a little advice again. I have a few recent posts here that explain more but I caught WH having his 2nd affair recently. He still denies it but I have proof. He wanted me to agree to an open marriage and I won’t. He’s a narcissist & only cares about himself. After I caught him he started going out every single night I’m pretty sure just to upset me. Finally this past Friday I told him I thought we should tell our 3 kids that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore if he’s going to be going out every night because I do not want to teach our kids that that is normal or acceptable behavior for a husband and father. I feel like I’ve already taught them his terrible behavior is ok by standing by & dealing with it without divorcing him for so long. He doesn’t want to tell them that. He doesn’t want to get divorced. So, he stayed home Friday night. He was out of town for the weekend for his hobby and then stayed home this week until today. He left and a little bit later I had to run to the store. His car just so happened to be there when I got there. While I was in the store I looked outside & saw him getting into his car. He saw me too. He didn’t come from inside the store so my guess is that he was somewhere close with his whore (she knows he’s married & just doesn’t care apparently) and saw me get there with our oldest daughter & decided to leave. I haven’t said anything to him and he hasn’t said anything to me. I want sooooooo badly to go tell him he’s pathetic and if they think I’m not going to expose both of them when I’m ready to (I have irrefutable proof) they’re delusional. Also that I’m sure her female friends in their hobby that they do won’t like her very much once they find out she’s a whore. I’m trying really hard not to because I’m planning to divorce him (he doesn’t know this) and I’m just in the getting my ducks in a row stage. I’m really trying to do the 180 & just focus on myself & our kids. So, I should just keep my mouth shut right? Knowing him he’d get some sick pleasure out of knowing that it upset me anyway & with me not saying anything he’s probably stewing about it wondering what I’m going to say and/or do. I wish it didn’t hurt anymore but it still does. I guess I just need someone else to tell me that it’s smarter for me not to say anything to him about it because I’m literally dying to.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8756614
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:47 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

You don't need his permission to be honest with your children.

Tell them the age appropriate truth. If they are older teens tell them he has a girlfriend, and you're divorcing him.

He doesnt want you to tell them,because he's all about his image.

They deserve the truth. From you. No need to sit down and tell them with him. He's no longer on your team.

Don't tell him you saw him. First, he will deny he was with her. Second, he's waiting for you to say something. When you dont,it will make him wonder why. It will worry him. Let him be the one worrying for a change. Don't share your thoughts with him. He uses them against you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:48 AM, Friday, September 23rd]

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8756615
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:19 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

If you're done then file and have him served. That says everything that's necessary to say.

I'm sorry. IME though, an unremorseful cheater just doesn't care what you have to say or how you feel. I said the things to mine and wish I hadn't.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3561   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8756618
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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 3:31 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Thank you, Hellfire. You’re 100% right about him using my thoughts against me. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 13 years. It’s going to take a little time for me to get my ducks in a row and per my lawyer’s advice I’m letting him hang himself and keeping a log of it. Lots of little things which I won’t go in to in case he finds this somehow but I’m making sure my kids and I are in the best position possible once I file. So, he doesn’t know I’m planning to file and if I tell them then he’ll definitely know. I need the planning time. I will 100% tell them that his cheating is why I’m filing for divorce once I file. At this point I’m assuming he’s deluded himself into thinking that I’ll eventually agree to an open marriage because he has so successfully convinced me in the past that I would be destroying our children’s lives if I divorce him, even though I’ve told him I won’t. I’m just allowing him to continue being a moron until I completely shock him when I file & he gets served. Honestly, I’m itching for that day to be here already but need to be methodical instead of emotional (which is REALLY REALLY HARD for me) in my approach.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8756619
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:11 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Say as little as possible. You want to shock him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756626
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

You should not say anything, now or in the future.

Right now, there is the practical matter that you are hoping that he keeps his defenses down so that you can position yourself better for the divorce. That is, you keeping quiet, right now, will directly benefit you. I might recommend that you not even bother with the full 180... be pleasant, be happy to the best of your ability... so that you can spring the divorce on him as best as you can. Think of it in terms of "The Godfather": Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. In this sense, also, your STBXH will likely use everything that you say against you. So, say very little.

Long term, I don't recommend that you say anything either (this was one of my biggest mistakes).

First, your biggest priority should be your children and telling them the truth about their father will only hurt them. You should do what you can to ensure that they don't feel like the divorce is their fault. Make sure that they feel safe and secure, but don't tell them the truth. Let them figure out that their father is a piece of crap on their own (hopefully, he'll pull his head out of his arse and they won't figure this out about him).

Don't go out of your way to present your STBXH as a good person either. I did this and I recently saw another SI member did the same. The kids found this confusing; they would ask "if he's such a good guy, why are you divorcing him?" Mostly, just don't comment on him around your kids.

Second, telling everyone what he did will make you look like the victim. While you are genuinely the victim (he cheated on you, after all), it's just not a good look to try to convince others that you are the victim. You can tell one or two very close friends or family members, but that's about it. Victimhood is like nicknames... the unwritten rule is that you don't give yourself a nickname and you don't make yourself out to be the victim -- let others do that for you.

Other than that, you need to put him in the rear view mirror, focus on yourself, and focus on re-building your new life with your kids. (this last sentence is the 180 that you should be doing).

p.s. I'm so sorry. This all sucks and it's not your fault.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5307   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8756785
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I don't know if filing on grounds is a thing in your jurisdiction, but even if it's not, there are sometimes benefits to proving adultery. It's great to be methodical, but you don't want to be so much so that you're tacitly condoning the affair. Condonation can take adultery as grounds off the table. So, if you know that your WH is having a sexual relationship with someone else and then you have sex with him anyway, the argument can be made that you were okay with it. In some states, continued cohabitation past a certain length of time would be viewed as condonation.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5927   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8756808
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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 5:05 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

We’re definitely not having sex. I stay as far away from him as I can. The biggest concern for me is custody. My state
Defaults to 50/50 custody and that would be TERRIBLE for my girls. He literally barely even speaks to them. He’s just sooooo self absorbed. So, if he won’t agree to giving me primary I’ll have to request a guardian ad litem. It could get very messy. I’ve always been primary caretaker but now I’m just actually keeping track of everything.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8756862
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:39 AM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

If he’s going out every night he may not want 50-50 custody as that would interfere with his lifestyle.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756949
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