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Reconciliation :
Other Peoples Affairs causing tension

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 HurtingHeartA (original poster new member #69588) posted at 7:33 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Wondering if anyone can relate to this….

My husband recently told me about two coworkers who were having an affair with each other… while I appreciate the honestly from him and him being open and honest about the happenings at his work it caused major tension between us.

Him telling me the story triggered me I think… I told
Him I thought the people were disgusting and hearing things about his coworkers makes me question the morals of the people who work there. He works for a huge company with hundreds of staff and there seems be affairs all the time. I can’t relate as I work for a small company with no men so there is nothing ever like that happening around me.

I wonder for him if it feels less shocking because he has cheated, because it happens so much. But for whatever the reason it doesn’t seem to bother him like it does me. He always says it’s other peoples lives not ours. Which I get but it still bugs me.

In general, since the affair, how do others handle hearing about other peoples affairs? Especially people you know.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8756412
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:20 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

My story is on my page. I have ended up finding out about 3 affairs aside from my wife's. I will say those affairs were generally "worse" than my WW's, and they contributed to her minimizing. The normalization of cheating is a big risk factor for cheating.

I also recently found out my best friend was cheating on his wife, which isn't a huge surprise since he had a history of cheating before marriage (that his wife was aware of before they got married), but still really disappointing. He thought I might want to cut him out of my life based on my experience and stance on infidelity. I said something like, "If I cut everyone out of my life that cheated or condoned cheating, I'd be out of people." Well, I'm sure some folks here would argue that exactly what I ought to do, but it isn't.

Before I got cheated on, several of my friends were prolific cheaters or otherwise just kinda dirtbags, which isn't "unusual" overall. I was, and am, able to realize that just being dirtbags as it relates to fidelity and sex doesn't mean the person is otherwise bad to have in my life in some way. That said, I will no longer stand by idly if I'm in possession of knowledge about an A. If you go back and do a search you can see me talk about this to some degree in a few threads where my wife tried to derogatorily call me "Captain Infidelity" as I revealed those three affairs, but I just kind of like the title now. If it is vaguely my business, I'll tell the BS.

So the idea that I might want to engage in anything vaguely close to work gossip about an A, without actually revealing that A to the BS is extremely unlikely. I would either be so detached from the person that I wouldn't care to talk about it, or I would do something about it.

Likewise, if my wife were to bother bringing up an A to me, she knows the first question I'm going to ask is something like "How well do you know this person? Does their spouse know? (etc.)" and for that reason, if it really was "none of her business" she wouldn't bother telling me about it. It would be like telling someone you know is a police officer that you saw a stabbing, then said, "Well I don't want to get involved as a witness, I just thought it was an interesting story."

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756419
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

We were discussing my mom the other day. In the 10 years before she passed,she was the OW. The OM was here,working,and had been for many many years,while his wife lived in Mexico with their kids, and they visited each other. I told him it always upset me,and clearly it wasn't something mom was proud of, because she's not the one who told me about any of it. He actually said to be he didn't judge my mom,or the man, because he didn't know what the deal really was. Maybe his wife was ok with it,etc.

Hhhm. Yeah.

I said adultery is adultery, and I didn't think the wife knew for a variety of reasons. He said it wasn't his business, or his place to judge, so he didn't really have an opinion.

As a man who cheated on his wife,and has been supposedly remorseful,and knows the damage of affairs, this has caused me to be upset. Greatly. It ticked my long dormat spidy sense.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:30 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8756421
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I always tell her how disgusting the cheater is. We discuss things I read here on SI and ask her take on it. Over time I have seen a shift in her thinking from, that’s their business, to OMG that’s a terrible road to travel.

Her really good friend is in a dead M. Her H will not do anything but work and play on his phone in front of the TV. She told my W she went to lunch with a guy friend, H friend also, but didn’t tell her H. My W told her if it’s a friend and there’s nothing to hide she needs to tell her H. She said this can get really bad really quick, especially if you are discussing your M with the guy. Long story short she told her H about lunch and he didn’t care because they all ride motorcycles together and it’s not that unusual.

It showed me that my W wanted to protect someone from the hell she put me and herself through.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8756432
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