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Just Found Out :
Found out 6 years ago he was a serial cheater--reconciled, now back again

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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 1:31 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Hi everyone,
This forum was my lifesaver in 2015. I randomly found out about 1 supposed OP with my WH and prior to the polygraph (THANK YOU SI) it was 13 OW shocked . Some craigslist, some ex-girlfriends, some he used his business to predatorize (he's a contractor)

Well, I had 2 young kids, was a stay at home mom and just decided after him begging to reconcile. He promised therapy, full transparency, tracking, basically the much needed open book policy.

I would not reconcile unless we had a post-nuptial agreement since I filed for divorce immediately. I spent days upon days here on SI and researching and basically helped my attorney draft up the best we could do. I had him consulkt his attorney, included in the PN that he was advised, his attorney said not to sign, he signed anyways.It gives me 75% of everything--minus his business. I get to stay in the primary residence until my youngest turns 18--he pays the mortgage.THe PN (post-nuptial) included everything from having a burner phone, being alon in a house with a woman alone, you name it--AND not exclusive for me to have a in person woman testify to him cheating--the proof could be anything really.It basically just needs to be solid.

He signed, I signed life somewhat got back to normal, I stayed home a few more years, started a flexible business and have mad been successful for the last t3 years.

Then 3 years ago, (3 years in to reconciling) he comes home with a sports car--saying he needed it to not cheat on me. Or should I say he needed the distraction from white knuckling his sick addiction. I was blown away--started backing off and watching. His buliema which was always an issue always picks up heavy when he's trying to court a new OP. NEed to slim right?!?!?

Lots of red flags, but he's a master cheater! My daughter sees him with a burner phone and he gaslights her and says she's crazy and didn't see anything.

I'm not initmate with him for sure at this pointout of safety. I see my attorney plan to file for a divorce but he beats me to it. We talked one more time and decided he would go back to full transparency, go to counseling and he would pull the divorce. I know stupid me!

Well 3 days ago a woman reaches out of a social media platform to inform me my WH has been cheating through the site with MULTIPLE woman. They all banded together and contacted me, sent me 70 screen shots of text exchanges of I love yous, sex stuff, telling them he's sterile, one thought she was pregnant, how he was divorced---naked pictures of himself--the list goes on. They were SO nice and I of course do not blame them so they have become incredible allies.

So here I am AGAIN.

Barely eating, sleepless and planning on this divorce hopefully under the steep terms of the post-nuptial with infidelity clause.

It is beyond me that he would even try to cheat again with having this in place, there;s a lot to lose and he loves his money more then women for sure.

Please excuse my ramblings and bad grammer as I am mentally a wreck, planning a battle with a sociopath and stressed beyond belief. My kids know some and are so angry he messed their family up, 12 and 13 years old.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8755958
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:38 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I'm so sorry this happened again. At this point, you know he will never change. You need to take steps to protect yourself, and your children.

I may have you confused with a different member, so I apologise if I do. But, are you the BW whose WH put shards of glass in her BOB,and urine in her makeup?

If so..you need to be very careful. He is a very sick man,and he will retaliate in the same manner.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:39 PM, Monday, September 19th]

posts: 4675   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8755959
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 2:26 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

CT, glad to see you again. Wish it was under better circumstances. I truly hope you get everything and then some in the divorce. He probably thinks he can talk his way out of this just like he did when you caught him breaking the agreement the first two times. Don't listen to him! 180 him. Don't even give him the opportunity to try. He can talk to you through your lawyer.

posts: 5162   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8755960
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Txquail ( member #62946) posted at 2:33 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I hate to see a good person back on this forum again. I'm sorry you are going thru this.

Many people in the past have flamed me when I say this. You never forgive a cheater. Once a cheater, forever a cheater. They never can lose that title.

The problem with a cheater is, if you take them back, they lose even more respect for you. They think that if you've taken them back once for cheating, then in the future, they can cheat on you again and there's a good possibility you'll take them back.

Cheaters want to have their cake and eat it too. Once they are caught, they want the betrayed to get over it, not do anything that they have done, etc... What a cheater does not understand, once they cheat, they've destroyed the relationship, they destroyed all trust, they destroyed any vows or promises. Anything that the betrayed does after the cheater cheats is on the cheater.

When you catch someone cheating on you, you leave. You just got forced into a open relationship that you did not agree upon. You were exposed to the possibilities of harmful diseases, perhaps a jealous wacko affair partner, etc... You are much better off just leaving, starting your life over and moving on. Otherwise you may be put in the situation where you have to go thru multiple D-Days (Like the OP). Its much better just to break up, move on and find someone whom you can build a relationship with and trust. *TRUST* is the key here. If you have no trust, you do not have a healthy relationship. Once someone cheats in a relationship, there will never be trust whatsoever.

posts: 292   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8755961
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 2:41 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I'm so sorry Crazytrain. It's crazy indeed that someone would sign a postnup as a good faith showing of their intent and then blow it all up anyway.

Barely eating, sleepless and planning on this divorce hopefully under the steep terms of the post-nuptial with infidelity clause.

Please take care of yourself . . . do what you can to cocoon and care for yourself. Do you have some trusted friends or family members to help you during this time?


Many people in the past have flamed me when I say this.

Txquail, you're entitled to your opinion, but using someone else's life falling apart as a launching point for your black/white thesis is not helpful or supportive IMO.

posts: 1789   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8755963
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:58 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

So sorry you find yourself here again. But this means you know the routine. Get STD tested. Take extra good care of yourself with healthy eating and drinking lots of water. Get some exercise every day. And of course see your lawyer and start getting your ducks lined up because there’s only one way this content.

I know this is crushing and so disappointing. He has absolutely shown who he is and that he is in capable and unwilling to change. Please protect yourself and your children. You’ll be amazed how much better life is when you don’t have this hanging around your neck and dragging you down.

Again, so sorry find yourself here. I know it’s terribly painful. Sending you strength.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8755967
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

It is beyond me that he would even try to cheat again with having this in place, there;s a lot to lose and he loves his money more then women for sure.

It sounds like a really big, narcissistic disconnect from reality that he believed he could go back to that level of subterfuge and not get caught. Please be careful. You might consider contacting the national domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233 and shaking them down for safety tips. You're used to this guy, but from the outside looking in, he's unhinged and capable of only God knows what. Plan for safety.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8755974
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:58 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

My friend D the same exact guy as your H.

Be prepared for the battle. His first move will be to throw out the post nup. I hope you put in the post nup that he will pay for all attorney’s fees should he go down this path.

Start the 180.

Hard 180.

Get him out of your home. ASAP.

Tell your kids that their father has had other girlfriends and the marriage is over. That’s all they need to know.

Set the best example you can with your kids. Don’t engage in his nonsense and set clear boundaries.

So sorry for you. You deserve better. It’s unfortunate he’s not the guy who could provide it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8755982
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Hellfire--I am the one in the same :( It was urine in my mouthwash, glass in my BOB, bleach in my shampoo (thank goodness I smelled it first) tracked my car (me unknowingly)hot pepper rubbed in the crotch of my underwear and castor oil in my drink. crying

Thank you---I am prepared to be vigilant, especially since my children do not want to live with him, he has no family, no friends, just OW.

I know to be wary.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8755986
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

No. You need to go to the police and file a restraining order,and get him out of the house. He is a dangerous man. Tell them all of that. Tell them you are concerned for your safety.

posts: 4675   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8755989
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Nekonamida,
Thank you.I hate to be here, it's been a solid 6 years since my last post here. Definitely NC, he's already tried his best to say how he loves me and only me..haha!

My comeback was--you love me like you love ****, ****, ****, and ****!

He's a narcissist so he has no ability to love.

I am leaving it up to my lawyer to handle him.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8755994
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

CT Like I said back then, these are not normal behaviors of a person wanting to get even, these are behaviors of a sociopath/psychopath.

Please take this seriously, and get all the ducks in a row before you commit to any change, and have your go bags ready for you and your kids. Know the number for domestic violence hotlines, and shelter addresses in your area. While you may have funds to go out on your own, these shelters can protect you and make you and the kids disappear to keep you safe if he snaps.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19534   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8755995
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:56 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

** Posting as a Memeber **

You never forgive a cheater. Once a cheater, forever a cheater. They never can lose that title.

The problem with a cheater is, if you take them back, they lose even more respect for you. They think that if you've taken them back once for cheating, then in the future, they can cheat on you again and there's a good possibility you'll take them back.

Cheaters want to have their cake and eat it too. Once they are caught, they want the betrayed to get over it, not do anything that they have done, etc... What a cheater does not understand, once they cheat, they've destroyed the relationship, they destroyed all trust, they destroyed any vows or promises. Anything that the betrayed does after the cheater cheats is on the cheater.

When you catch someone cheating on you, you leave. You just got forced into a open relationship that you did not agree upon. You were exposed to the possibilities of harmful diseases, perhaps a jealous wacko affair partner, etc... You are much better off just leaving, starting your life over and moving on. Otherwise you may be put in the situation where you have to go thru multiple D-Days (Like the OP). Its much better just to break up, move on and find someone whom you can build a relationship with and trust. *TRUST* is the key here. If you have no trust, you do not have a healthy relationship. Once someone cheats in a relationship, there will never be trust whatsoever.

My tagline used to be 'I trigger on over-generalizations', and this post is so filled with over-generalizations that I am not sure how to respond.

What is that tells you that you understand cheaters?

What is it that tells you all cheaters are alike?

How does it help you to think that everyone has to leave their WS? Are you miserable because you didn't leave or because you did?

It's true that our (BSes) pain is dumped on us by our WSes, but it's our pain now, and we have to deal with it. A BS can either stuff it or process it out of their body ... and stuffing it lets it grow, fester, and destroy at least part of one's life.

It's totally unfair, but it takes work to survive and thrive after infidelity. The work isn;t easy, but it's very much worth doing - and it's a lot easier than letting the pain fester. Yeah, I know ... JMO.

*****

Carzytrain, Your H seems unwilling to change. In a very difficult situation, I think you're making the right choice in letting your lawyer handle your H.

But he has abused you, and I, too, urge you to connect with the DV hotline.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:57 PM, Monday, September 19th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27624   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756002
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

The1stwife-thank you

The SI forum helped me make a rock solid PN, YES it does say he has to pay my attorney fees..woohoo!

Also I had him bring the PN to his attorney for legal advise and it clearly states that he was advised, his attorney said not to sign it, another win.

Yes hard 180.

I'm trying to figure out how to get him out, my attorney said it would be hard to do since we have a divorce already on the table?

I'll do some further digging on how I can.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756007
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

My friend could not get rid of her serial cheating XH at the time either.

Luckily friends were kind enough to take him in. It was crazy how he suddenly wanted to be "husband of the year" and reconcile, meanwhile he cheated the entire marriage.

Somehow you have to make it his idea to leave and be affordable. Like throw $ at him if you have to - even though it seems counter to common sense, but the win is to get him out. The how is just what you need to do. I know you don’t want to give him $ — but if he gets him out I’d say — do it!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756013
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:30 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Tushnurse, I am so glad to see you here! I remember all the good people who supported me from back then and am foever grateful for them everyday.

They said the polygraph, post-nuptial etc.

I unfortunately know now, he's above just being a narcissist, he's a sociopath or a psychopath.

I can't tell you I am afraid of how he's going to react to this 75/25 split. He filed for divorce 2 weeks ago because I was getting ready to do it---by the grace of God I received all the proof I could ever need just 4 days ago. I personally think he "thought" he was on the verge of getting caught and thought if we could get the divorce finalized before I received any proof then he could get out of it at 50/50 split.

I know now that as once again I was fooled and deserve better :)

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756019
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:49 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Txquail
Thank you, I am sorry to be here too :(

I absolutely do agree, I lost any respect he had for me after the first time of him cheating with 13 OW. (Likely myself too)

Yes, another round of STD testing too for me, literally the worst.

I can say I never really forgave him, it didn 't take him long after reconciling before I was starting to see a few worrisome red flags, we had codes on each others phones so that the other couldn't delete history etc. he had his removed, I found a strange text from Plenty of Fish (dating site) that was diverted to his Ipad (he explained away)

I'm going to say that he has likely been back to cheating since we reconciled the first time 6 years ago.

He's a bulimic and I always notice a huge upswing in his locked doors in the bathroom and radio blaring when he's courting a new OP.

I feel like I gave him a chance once and he chose his path.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756023
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:56 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Swnbc, I'm getting stronger, DD was Friday so I'm coming out of shock. My kids not so much, he's been berating them and promising them things if they chose to live with him.

My son believes my WH will hurt himself if he doesn't choose to stay with him and live---too much of a burden for him to bear. It's breaking my heart.

I will say knowing what I know about my WH, our financial assets, I am BLOWN away that he would try to cheat again. I'm guessing he never stopped cheating 6 years ago (he cheated for 7 years the first go around) and he just now after this 6 years got caught again. I'm assuming he thinks he's that good at it.

I guess he is if in 14 years he was only caught or outed twice.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756026
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Chamomiletea, I did just contacted a DV shelter and told them about all the past things he's done to me, none physical. She suggested I go to the police and have it on record.

I'm not sure my next steps, I would love to get him out but that may require hurdles I have to figure out.

I do fully know as he starts seeing the PN is solid that then he's going to lose his s***.

My mom begged me to just give him 50/50 and not enact the PN, to keep him stable?!?!
She said the money isn't worth him getting crazy. I guess I feel a certain amount of pain I've endured is worth something if it helps my kids financially in the long run.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756030
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 6:09 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Hellfire--I'm going to go to the police and do just that. I am in fear as he sees things slipping away that he's going to hurt someone, me or my kids.

I have to get him out. I'm hoping with the past instances and his pension for messing with women with significant others who know where we live I can paint a picture of need.

Ironically, after his first set of cheating he put a fence all around our property with a gate, (pretty common for our road) but it likely was to keep OW or their spouses out. He's also very concerned with locking the doors and keeping the shades drawn when he's home. I'm sure cheating causes one to be extra concerned with imminent danger.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756031
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