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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
A lot of years - 57, 55, almost 12

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 sisoon (original poster moderator #31240) posted at 4:51 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I fell for my W 57 years ago last week, we got married 55 years ago last week, W cheated almost 12 years ago. She committed to R, and we set out on our path to R on d-day, but I didn't commit to R until 90 days later.

We were at a wedding last week, and I mentioned to someone that the wedding was 4 or 5 days before our anniversary. I was asked, 'How long?' A lot of people were floored by the number 55. For me, it just seems normal ... if you get married, stay married, and live long enough, you'll get to big numbers. When I was in love with W2b, desperate with desire for her, I thought 40 years would be enough. When we hit 40 years together, I realized it wasn't. If I outlive my W, I think I'll be satisfied and very grateful with all these years past 40 together. But I want more - not so much from her, but with her.

Her A fits in somewhere. Because I'm on SI, I'm always aware of the A. If I weren't on SI, I think I'd forget about it most days. When I do think about it, the pain is only residual ... the body never forgets. It's no longer the worst pain I ever experienced - not because I've experienced greater pain since the A but because time has put it in perspective. I had an almost fatal illness about 57 years ago, and that seems worse than the A now. Come to think of it, we're in the middle of A season right now. That was a big deal for the first few years after d-day. Now it's not even a blip on our path.

Was it worth it? Hell, yes. Our health has held up pretty well, and that's a big, big help. We can still travel, we can still **TMI**, although that has changed a lot - some ways better, some worse, but mainly worse, IMO. smile Waking up together is always a pleasure for me.

It's been worth the effort for 2 reasons. First, we both wanted to R. We didn't try to control our outcome much, but we both went for what we wanted. Second, we both did our work. I faced my pain and worked to let it go. I worked through my resistances to doing that. My W worked effectively to build her boundaries and to stop generating self-talk that allowed her to cheat. For her, that was and continues to be mainly replacing self-hate messages with self-nurturing ones.

(The corollary is that R is not a good choice if one or both partners don't want R or if one or both partners won't do the necessary work. If you want D, not so BTW, my advice is to accept that and go for D. The goal should be, IMO, to live a good life after being betrayed, to survive and thrive.)

So ... we're old now. We're tired. We don't have the energy we had even 10 years ago. But life is still worth living. We're not done yet - I hope to write 58/56/almost 13 next year at this time. smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8755853
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 5:35 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

.."because time has put it in perspective."

We reached '50'years married this past June. Passed the day quietly... rolleyes

smy..

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8755862
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 9:59 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Congratulations! Absolutely beautiful story to share. If I could get to the place where you are of contentment right now then I know I would have lived a 'good' life. Thank you for sharing.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8755882
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:42 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Thank you for the inspiration!

BW x2
Recovering
2020

posts: 419   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8755977
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:35 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

What you have now is what I have aspired to have. But it takes 2, as you know.

I’m just so glad you both can step back "out of the thick of it" and see the positive in your life now.

Here’s to 57…58…59…etc!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756020
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 8:57 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

removing duplicate but incomplete posting

[This message edited by MegMeg at 10:03 PM, Monday, September 19th]

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 59   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8756070
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Sisoon, Thank you for noting that not all should strive for R, but to survive and thrive:

The corollary is that R is not a good choice if one or both partners don't want R or if one or both partners won't do the necessary work. If you want D, not so BTW, my advice is to accept that and go for D. The goal should be, IMO, to live a good life after being betrayed, to survive and thrive.

Mirroring your style, my opening line would have read:

I fell for my WH 39 years ago this month, we married 36 years ago, and WH cheated most of the past 15++? years until he was discovered 8 months ago and I was blindsided with the ugly truth. My efforts at "pick me" and reading every post and book on the subject these past few month don't matter a hill of beans. It takes two to R and WH is a rug sweeper at best, and a cheater to the core. While he has greatly improved his acts of service, he is unable or unwilling to take to the next level. He drops trickle-truths like hand grenades, thinks he is sharing, and I should appreciate his willingness to "be open" while taking cover.

I needed to read your insights. You're right, there is more than one path to the goal of surviving and thriving. Recovery is hard work but so is going it alone. I'd better get a move on! If only I could get off the fence.

Wishing you many more years of happiness, Sisoon. You've given us all much to think about in your many posts.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 59   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8756088
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