Your story is almost like the story my WS gave me. Except she lied for decades about the extent of the "kissing" and what else.
So I will tell you my perspective on your story.
You spent quite some time developing an attachment (emotional? friendly/conversational?) whatever - and went to his house.
(My WS did exactly that) - and you two (your husband and you) were having relational issues - so all the scenery is set for a
"fun" time between you and AP.
And you deny anything happened? Your credibility with your husband is (my assessment) less than 5%
Rather than double-down on talking to each other and working on your relationship - you repeatedly suggest/offer divorce.
Your creditably is now down to 2.5% or less -
So you have an almost impossible problem - stay married and be happy?
Well, first you have to help him by being firm that he has to get help dealing with his mental devils. You can't be the one.
He has to "heal himself" - and that is either figure out how to live with what you did and stay married or throw you to the gutter. For him - from what I read in your posts - that is NOT what he wants at this time.
So a bit of a conundrum - what do you do and how to do you act and talk to him and live together? This is the difficult part of recovering from an infidelity...
Both of you want to stay together (how much %?) - so how to go about behaving and talking to each other on a day-to-day basis?
First - talking - measure your words very carefully - no mention of divorce ever again. If divorce becomes your "solution" - just do it. Skip the talking about it.
Apologies (words) wear thin quickly. Very quickly- What you DO and how you BEHAVE is/are 99+% of who you appear to your spouse.
"Thank yous" for doing stuff - Southern politeness - if you want to impress him that you CARE - press his shirt for that special meeting at work. Fix his favorite breakfast on Sunday Morning and DON'T PREFACE by asking "What would you like for Breakfast?"
What is my point? Don't start a debate on anything unless there is a difference of opinion or "desired direction to take" scenario.
YOU MUST keep in mind - you have given him a memory for life - an unpleasant one at that - so you have to learn what will trigger his mind to go to the crap you did. There will be occasions where you have no control of the memory popping into his head.
Keep in mind and try to figure out how to not be a trigger. That one is a royal hard one to do.
News Flash: Some days his mind (for whatever reason) will trigger his memory of your "fun" and there is not a thing you can do about it but give him "space" to deal with his pain. The very best you can do is a silent hug. Add to that doing something that he likes - like fixing a Pina' Colada for desert after dinner. (Que the Pina' Coloda song)
So much for the immediate stuff - now the hard part.
Do you REALLY want to go forward in your life with your husband (on whom you cheated) and share the vagaries of the future?
Loaded question? Yes - Life can be hard and crap can visit you in an instant. It is a risk we all take and, when we really do LOVE our spouse, willing sign on for the duration. (There is a thread on one of these sites about his wife having MS)
OK, so you want to stay the course, then map out WHY. History? Family? YOU REALLY WANT to spend your time with your husband?
I suggest you look on this board for the post on "Contriteness" - it is worth the read and then ask yourself if you are fulfilling the task of being contrite?
Ok? So your husband is sill by your side after all the time that has passed. Take that to mean he really does LOVE you!
So, you have the winds of fate blowing in your favor.
To move towards the true bonding of being married - you have to TALK to each other - a lot - a WHOLE lot - and you will find that many words will suffer contentiousness - so keep talking til you have worked through the differences.
My post is really a list of high-lights on what I see as necessary for a couple to re-establish the bond that brought them together. To do the topic justice is a book-length tome.
You have a lot of work to do - and he does too - you have to figure out how to heal each other and to heal yourself.
You - fix your boundaries!
Him - this is hard - his manhood has been shot through the heart - yet he still breathes. He needs help and your patience and some level of understanding that you are the CAUSE of the hurt and that you need to support him however it may need to be to learn to live with your "visit to the AP" house.
Caveat - - some just can never heal - Family issues growing up (aka FOO?) general type of personality?
Try as you may to resolve the unhappiness with your spouse - keep in mind the worst can happen years down the path of life.
In case you are wondering - I'm still with her - after 50 years. And it still hurts. Your Husband may be of the same persuasion.
I hope these thoughts help -