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Newest Member: Goku06

Divorce/Separation :
Getting ducks in a row

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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 10:12 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

So, I’m getting my ducks in a row. WH wants to stay together and have an open marriage "for the kids’ sake" so that they don’t have to move from their house. That’s what he says anyway. I’m 99.9% sure that in reality it’s because he doesn’t want to take the hit to his ego, reputation & finances. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 13 years. He has always gotten to do whatever he wants with his time when he’s not working. That would obviously have to change if we get divorced and he has any kind of custody. I have told him that I am not at all interested in an open marriage and that he is having an affair. I haven’t told him I’m 100% positive that I’m going to file for divorce (this is his 2nd affair that I’m 100% sure & have proof of but I have no idea how many times he’s actually cheated on me) and I’m just biding my time while I get all of my ducks in a row. The problem is that he goes out incredibly often. Like almost every night. I’m trying soooooooo hard not to care and not to be bothered by it but it’s not working. Any tips? I asked my therapist and she said that’s going to be incredibly hard since I’m not a robot lol I’m sure that’s true but do any of you who have had to go through this have anything to suggest that worked for you? I’m definitely doing the 180 & he doesn’t know that it bothers me but it still REALLY bothers me barf

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8755129
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:54 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I surrounded myself with great lady friends and I balanced that out by going out myself. Keep getting those ducks in a row life is fantastic on the other side of this.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8332   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8755146
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:41 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

The problem is that he goes out incredibly often. Like almost every night.


I can't really advise you from personal experience, but just as an observation, I think I'd keep a VERY detailed record of how much time he spends in the home, what specific care he offers to the children when he's there, and how often he leaves you to manage everything. Then, I'd use that information to get more time with my kids. It might be small consolation, but when I'm walking that proverbial mile, I think in your shoes that I would take some quiet satisfaction from watching him take enough rope to hang himself in front of a family court judge.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5927   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8755156
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:56 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Too often "ducks in a row" is an excuse for doing nothing.
What ducks?
What do you think needs to change so that you can file?
Other than think you want a divorce, have you done any serious research into the process, what to expect and what the likely outcome might be?

This might sound harsh, but I really believe in my tagline. It’s up to us to get out of situations we aren’t happy with. If your "ducks" is needing the retainer for an attorney and you can get that lined up in 4 months… fine. But just make sure it’s not an excuse for inaction.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10918   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755203
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nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 4:16 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I was getting up in the middle of every night and looking at his ipad to read text messages between WXH and OW. My therapist said that I needed to break that cycle and get my balance back and suggested that I ask WXH to go stay somewhere else for a short time. We just rented, so it isn't like he was leaving property he owned. He had a suitcase packed and was ready to go the next morning. A friend (of the OW) had a vacation home he could stay in on the other side of town. I think he was just giddy to go and play house with OW when she could get away from her BS.

The minute he was gone and I couldn't punish myself by pain shopping it helped me tremendously. I felt like I could breathe and not wonder as much about what he was doing with her. Not saying it was magic, but not listening to his lies and fictional stories about where he was going made my mind a lot clearer about what I wanted. Maybe that would help you.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1273   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8755225
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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 7:19 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Thank you everyone!

Bigger, yes that’s one of the reasons I’m holding off. Money for a retainer. The biggest reason I’m holding off though is exactly what you mentioned, keeping a journal of when he’s home. He does literally nothing to care for our kids so I don’t have anything to track there but I’m tracking when he leaves and when he comes home. Our state defaults to 50/50 custody and that would be TERRIBLE for our kids. So, I’m going to have to get a guardian ad litem. I’ll be able to show them the journal and they’ll also be able to talk to the kids. Judges in our county don’t speak to kids or take their preferences into account. So, I NEED a guardian ad litem for them to be heard. I’ve also put them all into counseling to help them deal with all of the crap they’ve already been through and the crap that will be coming. My WH is a narcissist & I have absolutely no doubt that he’ll use the kids to hurt me as much as possible. They’re my weakness and he knows it. I’m being as strong as I can possibly be and I spend all of my time with my kids. I can’t go out at night because I can’t leave them alone. They never really liked for me to leave them to go out in the first place but now I’m sure it would be harder. I’m supposed to go to an overnight in a hotel with a group of my friends for one of their birthdays but I don’t even know now if I’m going to be able to go. I definitely can’t trust my WH to actually stay home with the kids and even if he did I would probably still get a million calls from our youngest (9 yr old) anyway. Last time I just tried to go to my sister’s house for a little bit at night after I put them to bed she called me a million times saying she couldn’t sleep. I know they’re going through a ton with all of this too and they don’t have nearly as much information as I do so I’m sure it’s harder for them. Ugh, that turned into more than I meant for it too lol Anyway, I’ve been trying to distract myself with my kids and doing fun stuff with them but I’m just still really hurting and watching him go out every night is super hard.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8755257
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 7:45 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

It's amazing how the person having the affair wants an open marriage... but what they really want is a one-sided open marriage. You remain faithful to him but he screws anything that he wants. My xWW had a meltdown when I started seeing someone else, after she filed for divorce, even though (and I am not joking/exaggerating) she was seeing at least 4 different guys at the same time. Anyway, unless you want an open marriage, then just say no.

My first thought after reading your post was to keep the current schedule going and to use it for evidence that he does nothing with the kids. But, then, you wrote that you were doing just that. So, you're way ahead of me.

Alternatively, you could do what I did. I basically unofficially declared our marriage over and then established 50-50 parenting time as if we were divorced. I then looked after the kids during my time and she looked after the kids during her time. Within a few weeks, I even started leaving the house completely during her parenting time and she similarly stayed out of the house until at least 10 pm.

My approach semi-back fired on me. Even though I did all cooking/cleaning/Ubering during my parenting time without any help from her, she claimed in court that she had to stay around during my parenting time because I was incompetent with the kids. Somehow, the court believed her version of the events even though I had been keeping a diary of the nights that she was gone (> 95% of the nights that was my parenting time).

In your situation, my guess is that establishing parenting time right now might be effective. He almost certainly won't enjoy being a dad instead of a skirt-chaser. He might even refuse to accept his parenting time, which would be even better evidence that he is not a suitable parent during your divorce. The "worst" case scenario is that he steps up and starts being a decent father during his parenting time -- and this would be BEST for your children because then they'd still get a mom and a dad.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5307   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8755263
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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 8:45 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Nothisfriend, Sorry, I didn’t see your post before I posted. There’s definitely no chance he’ll go stay elsewhere. I’ve already tried that. We do own the house. So, it’s going to be totally on me to get myself past it unfortunately.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8755270
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 Justgettingbye (original poster member #69429) posted at 8:55 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Barcher, sorry all of that happened to you. People can be so terrible. That’s a great idea & I guess if I actually decide to talk to him I could ask him. Knowing him as well as I do he would either flat out say no or agree to it and not do it. One of the attorneys I spoke with suggested that when we get to mediation if he won’t agree to me having primary custody that we ask for a trial period of 3 months with him having 50/50 custody. If he steps up and the kids are actually ok then I would be fine with him actually having 50/50. I just want what’s best for the kids. If he can change and actually at least be a good dad then that would be ideal.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019
id 8755271
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Barcher, sorry all of that happened to you. People can be so terrible.

The specific thing that I mentioned was not hurtful to me at all. This was about 2 months after she decided that she wanted a divorce. We were done... I was done with her. It was fair game for her to see 4 guys simultaneously -- not my monkey, not my circus. I said that to point out the twisted wayward thinking... she had 4 guys... and she still flipped out when I started seeing someone else (my current SO -- almost 4 years ago!!).

So, in a way, congratulations for finally deciding to get out of your circus-life with him!!

Just a word of encouragement... and I know that you think that it's a struggle... but you are handling this disaster really better than a lot of people. My general advice is always the same: you should do what you think a good parent should do. That means, don't get involved in their crazy games... and at the same time, try to look at this from your kid's point of view as far as what they need from their parents and make sure that you live up to (in your case) the role of being a mom.

Good luck. I am sorry this situation has been forced onto you and your children.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5307   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8755281
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