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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:02 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

You may want contact search pornograhy-induced ED. So sorry you're here. I understand about giving a person a chance to be honest but they don't come clean.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1336   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8754894
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 Greto (original poster new member #80904) posted at 3:25 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Him and I have talked about his use of porn and how that could be source of problem so he said he wouldn't partake or even masturbate in hopes to climax with me so we can at least try to get pregnant. Its all he said he wanted.

Then I find out his sexual history and even time with me in beginning were completely different than he led me to believe. He won't let me touch him to get him off but a stranger can?

I'm struggling so hard to accept he saw a dominatrix then came to my apartment the next day or even later that day. He chose to drive to her and i wasn't on his mind at all.

He chose to continue seeking sexual pleasure outside of us and that is not okay when he can't get hard or stay hard with me.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8754931
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

It sounds a bit dismissive, he is what he is. The question is whether that's all you deserve in your life. If you want a devoted partner and children from the union, it sounds like he's not able to fill the bill. If the question you're asking yourself is "how do I change him so that he's a suitable partner?", the answer is that you can't. Only HE can make those changes, but is he actually willing to do what it takes to see it done?

This guy didn't have an accident. He wasn't struck by lightning. He CHOSE to be the way he is. He chose it through porn, and through habit, and through inaction, meaning that he has NOT elected to seek medical/psychiatric care to solve the problem. Now that the chips are down though, what's he willing to DO to keep you in his life?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5966   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8754949
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Moving too fast is always a red flag. People need to slow down and really find out who and what they're dealing with. he was moving real fast probably bc he was hiding all this nonsense from you, get you hooked, telling lies of "us in fairly land together", the future painting stuff.

Now that he is caught, I bet the Porn use is way heavier than you even know. He can't finish with you maybe bc he has the Madonna Whore complex, but either way, that sounds miserable. Think about this for a minute. YOur man has very strong sexual impulses, but he never finishes with YOU. So he is going to have to find a way to finish elsewhere. Thats where the cheating comes in. Just b/c you haven't found anything since you've started dating doesn't mean he hasn't gone and done something.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and you have found out that he cannot cum with you in the 2 yrs you've been together. That is a huge red flag. Where is he and who is he cumming with? And youre going to consider getting pregnant by him???? Man, you had better start thinking long and hard (no pun intended) about a life with a man whose going to constantly seek out getting off with others.

posts: 1365   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8754951
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

So the more you talk about it, the more it does sound like he has an intimacy disorder (FYI - Sex Addiction is a form of intimacy disorder). Men who display this will often be sexually anorexic with their partners (sometimes even claiming they are asexual or don't have a high drive) and then delve into porn or sex workers. Some people term this the "madonna whore complex," but it's more complicated than that.

I would strongly encourage you to delve more into the "I Can Relate" forum to see if Sex Addiction is what you're dealing with here.

Me - 40 something.WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBFDDay 9/4/2022 - Partner of 8+ years confessed to ONS
Status - Day by Day

posts: 15659   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006
id 8754993
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 Greto (original poster new member #80904) posted at 3:14 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

We talked some more and so far nothing new has been told or found.

He reached out to a therapist who has knowledge with porn addiction and intimacy issues.

Not that this is an excuse but he also like many had a very messed up childhood, teen hood, and young adulthood. He finally admitted to not seeking out help for his ed and intimacy issues because of pride in the past and he thought he could figure it out himself.

I told him I will need to see proof that he is seeing the therapist since I'm not home when he will have appointments, he said absolutely. He isn't really smart enough to fake doctor paperwork either, sadly. That is why he easily gets busted, he is immature and often boy like in his thinking.

We are also going to see a marriage counselor and I can only hope this helps. If not, I will have a back up plan for myself and my son.

Will probably update this as time progresses.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8755032
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:27 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

I absolutely LOVE the term Intimacy Disorder! Thanks, hurtsb!

There is quite the debate in the professional mental health environment if sexual addiction is a thing or not. It’s not as clear-cut as alcoholism or drug addiction. I’m not going to go into that debate, but I personally DO THINK sexual addiction is real and can be a major issue. However, … I am extremely reluctant to point someone into the direction of their spouse or themselves being a sexual addict.

Here is why:
With addictions there are several treatments or methods that have shown they can help the person live with the addiction. It’s never about fixing or removing the addiction: An alcoholic is an alcoholic to the end of days, even if he doesn’t touch a drink for the last 80 years of his life. Same with someone that gets off heroin or coke or whatever. They are only sober when not using and are still addicts or alcoholics – only recovering alcoholics.

A very typical and common "treatment" for SA is based on AA: 12-step work, meetings, sponsors and sponsorship… A recovering alcoholic will be attending meetings all his life, repeating 12-steps as required. It might drop to 1-2 meetings a month, but that’s for LIFE. If you are NOT an alcoholic, but simply someone with a drinking disorder… those meetings and that 12-step work and all that is about as effective as putting a cast on your foot to heal a cold. It’s the wrong treatment for the wrong illness.

This is/was an issue with alcoholics. It’s easier for someone to go to their friends and family and say "sorry for all the trouble – I have a disease and its being treated" rather than "sorry for all the trouble – I wasn’t thinking about the consequences and chose to spend my savings on vodka/porn/hookers…"

So, if your husband’s issues are intimacy disorders then he needs therapy or whatever to deal with it. The appropriate therapy. Something he can do, where he learns how to change and be socially correct. At some point he could come from his umpth session with a note confirming he’s "healed".
If he’s a SA… never. He’s simply a recovering SA and will be that for life. My reluctance is based on that it is possibly more comfortable for HIM to lay the blame on a disease rather than on incorrect interactions and behaviors (as many alcoholics did and do) rather than to really be a SA and then accept its like an allergy that you never get rid of and need to commit to lifelong treatment.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755754
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Countingsheep65 ( member #56000) posted at 6:35 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper, you can smooth it out, but it will never be the same again.

Keep reading this, it’s all so true, you will never have any trust in him, you will have constant doubt. It will consume you if you stay.

posts: 452   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8755807
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 3:53 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Hello

I am recovering alcoholic...24 years sober. FWH is a recovering drug addict.....26 years sober from drugs and alcohol. He is also a sex addict, diagnosed by a CSAT. I say this to qualify myself as someone with some understanding of addiction.

A sex addict engages in sexualized, fantasy-based, ritualized thoughts and urges in a complusive manner, despite potential or real consequences. Like any other addict, they are unable to control these behaviors on their own. It is known as a process, or behavioral addiction, like gambling. Not every cheater or porn watcher or person who seeks out paid sexual connections is an addict, thus the recommendation of a diagnosis by a certified professional.

My husband, like yours, watched porography compulsively. He too watched it at work, despite the potential consequences. He watched it late into the night, at traffic lights, wherever he had the opportunity. He too suffered from ED and Viagra also did not work for him. What did work was complete abstinence of any sexual activity for several months. Watching internet pornography can change the way the brain reacts to arousal, making it extremely difficult for a man to become aroused by a real life partner. Sex addicts are also prone to being sexual prudes with their partners. Your husband seems to be showing some signs of this as well based on your posts.

In order to remain a safe partner, my FWH must attend SA meetings several times per week, work with an SA sponsor consistently, work with a CSAT twice per month (it was once a week for a long time), maintain his spiritual condition by reading literature and working the 12 steps, accept full responsibility for his actions, and practice rigorous honesty. He must continuously evaluate his behavior around women and around any sort of triggering or suggestive material or visual stimuli. It is a LOT of work. Recovery IS a lot of work. It requires a lifetime commitment to getting better. Lifetime. It also has incredible rewards, like the development of self respect and integrity and the opportunity to live a fulfilling and productive life.

My FWH had 20 YEARS sober from drugs when a complusion for online pronography progressed into an affair. Unless an addict is in treatment, addictions ALWAYS progress. The dominatrix you mentioned in your posts may be a symptom of this. My DDay was in 2015. My husband is just now acknowledging 2 years sober from inner circle behaviors, which are behaviors that trigger sexually addictive behaviors. He has not acted out with another person or engaged in pornography, but he HAS been dishonest about behaviors with the potential to begin the addictive cycle for him. It is extremely difficult to maintain long term sobriety as an SA, even as a person with my husband's understanding of living as a sober person for over 20 years. In AA there are many people with over 20 years of sobriety. In SA, there are a handful.

It is very important that your husband gets diagnosed by a CSAT. If he IS a sex addict, there is hope, but it will be a long and precipitous road. It is also important to understand that HE must take the lead on his journey to health. HE must be at a point where he accepts that he is powerless, that his life has become unmanageable, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get sober, get honest, and to live life on life’s terms. If he is not ready, nothing you do will change him. Living with an addict who is using is chaos and misery. As someone else mentioned, addicts go through periods where they stop using. If they do not get the help they need, they almost always go back to using some sort of addictive behavior as a coping mechanism. Again, the diagnosis is important here.

If your husband is NOT an addict, the therapist you mentioned may be able to help him gain enough perspective to be honest with himself and you, and to become healthier psychologically, without meetings and the 12 steps. Again, it will be a ton of uncomfortable work for him… and he must participate consistently and for the long term.

What is important, as others have said, is your own life. You can only control your own outcome here. Your husband is reaching out to a therapist, but did he look up the therapist and make the appointment or did you do it? If he did it himself, then maybe he can become a better human, whether he is an addict or not. If you are willing to try to stick it out (only if he is doing the very hard work on himself consistently and for the long term,) I would recommend attending some S-anon meetings. The folks in these meetings are truly helpful and can teach you about living with someone who has sexual addiction or behaviors that negatively impact the lives of those around them.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 711   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8755843
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 Greto (original poster new member #80904) posted at 2:14 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I'm not sure he's a sex addict or even a true porn addiction. I think he has intimacy issues and relied so much on porn from being single for a very long time that it has messed him up sexually.

I have no doubt he is not being 100% about his porn use but from what I have found I'd say it went from normal porn to extreme porn or experimentation. This causes many issues with intimacy with real people and real women.

He is going to therapy and is with a therapist who has worked with sex addicts

We will also be going to marriage counseling soon.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8755914
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