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Divorce/Separation :
Father’s Day

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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 9:00 AM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Hi everyone,
I’ve been quietly getting on with this new normal. It’s been 7 months since dday and 3.5 months since WH moved out.

Today in Australia is Father’s Day. I always knew it was going to be a tough day for us.

My boys stayed overnight at WHs new apartment (only the second time they’ve slept over). They went for dinner and had breakfast with him this morning and then headed home around lunchtime.
I actually broke my sobriety last night. I stupidly didn’t eat dinner and just drank wine from 5pm until I started vomiting, around 8.30pm. I had a shower and climbed into bed feeling pretty disgusted with myself. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely horrible.

Usually in the afternoons of Father’s Day/Mother’s Day we head over to my parents place to get together for dinner with my brother and sister and their families. We had planned to go but this afternoon my eldest (19) asked if we could not go- he didn’t feel up to celebrating Father’s Day when his dad isn’t there. He broke down crying and my heart broke all over again for him.

I quickly dropped over just to give dad a hug and his gift and apologised for not staying for dinner. Of course everyone was disappointed the boys weren’t with me but they understood why.

I hate WH for putting the boys through this. I hate that he broke up our family. I hate that he lied to us for so long. I hate that I don’t feel comfortable in my house anymore. I hate that I still see him everywhere even though I tried to remove every trace of him. I can’t sit in the lounge room alone unless the boys are home. I can’t sit outside because it makes me think of sitting out there with him.
If I’m home alone, I’m in my room because it’s the only place I feel ok. I moved all the furniture around but I still hate that I’m left sleeping in "our" bed while he has a whole new environment to live in where he isn’t faced with memories of us every fucking day.

This is so hard. I have some days where I barely think of him but today is just shit.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8753806
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JammyWheel ( new member #80828) posted at 10:25 AM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way
I can’t think of anything more helpful to say but didn’t want to read and run
I agree it is really tough, going through something similar at the moment

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8753807
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Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 8:23 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

My heart goes out to you, MumaBear. You’ve been through so much. Please don’t let your WH derail your sobriety. It would only make your life and the lives of your sons worse. My mother was an alcoholic and it made such an impact on my life. She eventually gave up alcohol, like you did, and I can’t adequately express how much that meant and means to me. Please don’t allow alcohol in your home so your can avoid temptation during these stressful/hurtful times.
Sending (((hugs))).

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8753869
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 9:07 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Thank you JammyWheel and Beachgirl.

Beachgirl- I don’t actually keep any alcohol in the house for that exact reason but I was feeling so sad when the boys left and I stupidly jumped on doordash and ordered a delivery of 2 bottles.
There was still some left in the second bottle. I woke at 3am and went and tipped it out.
I will get back on track today.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8753872
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JammyWheel ( new member #80828) posted at 9:10 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Don’t be too hard on yourself

It’s just so difficult

[This message edited by JammyWheel at 9:10 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8753873
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:26 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

(((Mumabear)))

Sending you a massive hug. I’ve been wondering how you are getting on. Please, please, please don’t be hard on yourself about having a blip with the wine, it’s completely understandable. You are going through a horrible experience. Like you said you are getting back on track, that is all that matters. It’s completely and totally understandable. Be kind to yourself. 💗

I’d there a helpline you can call when you are low? In the UK we have the Samaritans and I’ve called them when I was low and completely overwhelmed by sadness. It really helped. It’s anonymous and really helped me out. I hope you can find something similar. It really helped to talk to someone in complete confidence, with no judgement.

I can completely relate to not wanting to be at home. The memories. I didn’t want to sit on my sofa even as it seemed so strange with him not there. I painted my lounge and furniture, bought new cushions and throw. It wasn’t expensive and made me feel slightly better. I know how it feels to not want to be at home but those changes helped.

Sending you strength. It will get easier. We are here for you.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8753881
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Thank you Summertime.
I have moved my bedroom around so I’m not waking up to the same "scene" every morning and it helped a little bit.

To be honest I really want to move. We’ve lived in this house for 15 years together. We’ve done renovations, our boys have grown up here. I was pregnant with my youngest when we bought and he arrived 2 wks after we moved in. So so many memories.

To make things worse, our upstairs shower started leaking and it has flooded into our laundry ceiling. I had to contact WH because the house insurance is in his name. I’ve been forced to have almost daily contact with him (msgs and emails only) regarding the claim and getting tradespeople out.

I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling this level of anxiety around my home- what should be my safe space.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8754147
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Hi Mumabear,

I’m so sorry to hear that your shower leaked and that you have had to have contact with your ex. It must be so hard, even by email/text. Just the thought of having to contact my ex and see his name pop up on my phone would be so difficult to deal with. You are so strong.

Great idea about changing your bedroom- I hadn’t thought of that but I will give that a try too. I completely understand and empathise in the feeling when you wake up in the mornings- the same scene- I feel so sad and empty. I’m going to give that a try too. 😄

Maybe a new home will be a fresh start for you and your boys. Even if it’s not straight away it will be a new goal and something to look forward to. A new beginning. 😄 What a good idea. You can make it all your own, your new haven. You can paint and decorate just how you want it. Good for you.

I unfortunately can’t move as it’s not a good time to sell or buy in the UK. Otherwise I would too. It’s great really we are looking at making positive changes! It was just a few months ago that I was so low I didn’t want to get out of bed (but I did).

We are making progress! 😄😄 sending you a hug.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8754208
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