We stayed married, and the following year bought a house together. The next year, we got pregnant. We then moved out of state for a job I took, and had two more kids. We are now 16 years post d-day. I've gone long periods of time without thinking about it, but sometimes I retrigger and have negative thoughts that I battle to this day.
According to your story above, you have gone long periods of time without thinking of your wife's A.
You state you sometimes retrigger.
Have you explored why you are not able to calm yourself (or sit with your feelings, and then allow them to pass)?
How does coming to SI serve you in your personal goals for yourself?
Does your IC help you identify healthy ways in which you can unburden yourself? If so, what does that practice look like, and are you practicing those methods regularly?
From your posts, it seems the IC has talked about how being stuck in your own head (ruminations) has a negative effect on your wife and M. IMHO, they have an equally negative effect on your own mind.
I would suggest that you read a few books on mindfulness (staying in the present moment). I would also suggest that you begin to practice daily gratitude From your own story, you have built a beautiful life with your wife and childen. Allow the beauty of that life to shine!
I have this quote on my "about me" page, and thought perhaps it would help bring you some peace:
"No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I've been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again — till next time. I've learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won't stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed." ― Madeleine L'Engle
Be kind to yourself within your own mind. Love, Marie
P.S. I was happy to read that you had a positive vacation experience as husband and wife! Keep moving forward!
[This message edited by ohmy_marie at 2:33 PM, Friday, September 9th]