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Newest Member: Goku06

Wayward Side :
Here goes...

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 Inbocaallupo (original poster new member #80764) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

Hello All,

Thank you for sharing stories, posting advice and creating this online community that helps all of us who are struggling. Been reading for some time now but this is my first post of many. As I have 100s of questions.

Without context I know this could be a difficult one but my question is for both WS & BS (I will post something there next).

Short Version= M 38 f 50 together 9 years, D day 3 years ago, internet affair with random women dating apps to boost my own ego, no EA or PA, tons of lies (too many), separated for 1 year then attempted R but just asked to moved out again, 3 teenage Step Children (only have contact with 1 currently but full contact with them all until they cut their mother out their lives due to her own personal issues with them). More to all of this but short version, attended SA classes for a year, both have IC, MC was not helpful and suggested ending relationship after 5 sessions, how can that even be possible but thats for another post...

Question 1

I am finding it difficult to bare the weight of my partners venomous accusations and claimed that I have caused issues/problems, seemingly unrelated to infidelity. I fully understand everything can become related after this type of trauma, the pain that I caused her and regret my choices especially to cover the truth. Of course those actions and selfish choices have resulted in her terrible PTSD and play a part in her decision making process. With that said If I ever clarify a false statement, or a misconception that she has, about a present(not past) fear or concern i'm quickly labeled as unsympathetic, lack empathy, narcissist. I have tried my best to simply listen, console, affirm, empathize, offer support, or touch and later on bring up the misconception when she is not flooding but that hasn't worked well either. When I am being blamed for issues that have little to do with me how have you all attempted to navigated the rough waters?

After reading a ref posted here authentic kindness vs people pleasing themindsjournal authentic-kindness-vs-people-pleasing/ Im struggling to keep a boundary of not allowing her vengeance seeking behaviour to cross my own boundary while still being there for her as I understand her is in pain or triggered in those moments.

All opinions welcome, even if its to tell me FO ands suck it up, buttercup.

The next is an easy one, is there a search forum function?

[This message restored by Webmaster at 7:54 AM, Wednesday, September 21st]

[This message edited by Inbocaallupo at 2:35 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2022
id 8752864
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lonelypilgrim ( new member #79865) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

I made my first post here just a few weeks ago with a very similar question. I've been struggling to maintain the empathy and provide the emotional support necessary for my W's healing when I am blamed for everything that's gone wrong in our lives for the past 2+ decades (the A was only 3 years ago).

You are right in that the trauma we put on our spouses bring up many other things beyond the infidelity. In my case, there are many valid points that i realize i must own and accept. We are nearly 1 1/2 years since discovery. The anger for the affair is certainly still there. But right next to it is the anger for other failures and perceived failures by me in our relationship (unrelated to infidelity). Those issues are more front and center these days.

Up until now, I have not pushed back on the things i don't agree with. Sometimes i've tried to correct the record. That hasn't gone over too well...i get accused of gaslighting and minimizing and blame shifting. I've been getting much better with listening, with empathy and with not being defensive. I have actively taken ownership and accountability for aspects of our relationship where i fell short (emotional support, co-parenting issues, selfishness, and more).

Lately, i find myself shutting down or getting defensive b/c i want to respond and discuss the things are not factual or where there is a reasonable place to discuss a situation we don't see eye to eye on. I don't want to minimize her feelings or her pain. That is very much real. Yet i don't really know how to converse on those types of topics.

When i posted my story i got many thoughtful responses. Many of them from BS's who have been in our wives shoes. Read the post called "Empathy and Connection in the face of Anger and Blame". Maybe the responses there can help you. They definitely helped me and gave me good perspectives.

I notice the Stop Sign on your post. I believe that mean that BS's are not able to respond to your post. If you want their input (which i think is really beneficial), you may want to remove the Stop Sign.

Me: WS, Mid 50s, 25yrs M, 21 month PA, D-day 4/21, Working hard to earn R


So when you look at me
You better look hard and look twice
Is that me, baby
Or just a brilliant disguise?

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8752888
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 Inbocaallupo (original poster new member #80764) posted at 4:44 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

thank you lonleypilgram, I will find that thread and read it. Im not sure how to remove the stop sign but Ill try.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2022
id 8752917
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

The stop sign can be removed by a mod if you post asking them to do so.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8753006
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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 11:40 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

internet affair with random women dating apps to boost my own ego, no EA or PA, tons of lies

What's an internet affair? With no emotional component or physical - did you just talk to women online about the weather?

I have tried my best to simply listen, console, affirm, empathize, offer support, or touch and later on bring up the misconception when she is not flooding but that hasn't worked well either.

That's a lot of words saying nothing at all. You seem to have a lot of opinions about what your partner is feeling and "flooding" and whatnot. How about you start talking about yourself and what you are doing within yourself to change?

MC was not helpful and suggested ending relationship after 5 sessions, how can that even be possible but thats for another post...

You didn't seem to have issues when you wanted to end the relationship by having an affair.. right?

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 11:41 PM, Tuesday, August 30th]

posts: 305   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8753040
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 Inbocaallupo (original poster new member #80764) posted at 4:06 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

Thank you BraveSirRobin ill attempt to get that done.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2022
id 8753320
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:44 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

I removed the stop sign for you. BS members may post now.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15456   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8753400
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:43 PM on Friday, September 2nd, 2022

I am finding it difficult to bare the weight of my partners venomous accusations and claimed that I have caused issues/problems, seemingly unrelated to infidelity.

BS here - and gently you don't get to decide what she feels is related vs unrelated to infidelity. Because - to a BS EVERYTHING is related to infidelity on some level. Some are direct relation and some indirect (perception is everything here).

Oversimplified - you don't get to shoot her full of holes and then tell her how to bleed.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3533   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8753584
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