Me: WS, Mid 50s, 25yrs M, 21 month PA, D-day 4/21, Working hard to earn R

So when you look at me
You better look hard and look twice
Is that me, baby
Or just a brilliant disguise?

My second post (losing hope)

The post about one time posters helped me get off the fence. I'm one who reads alot but doesn't post. I summoned the courage to do a detailed post last summer and got some really good and valuable "straight talk" from both WS's and BS's. Input from the BS side was actually the most valuable, so i always welcome that. Helps me to better understand what i have put my W through.

So, second post...really just here to say that nearly 2 years after Dday (and 6 months after my first post), things are no better and R is really, really hard. And i'm feeling like i'm losing hope. For my W, the anger, hurt and bitterness is still there every day. But on the plus side of the ledger, my W is still here. That alone is something to be grateful for.

We do talk about D. We have talked about moving out and separation. But we don't take that step. I want to keep working on things. She's undecided about our future. She has said many times she will never forgive me and she will never get over it. The fact that we remain together tells me there is some part of her that does want us to reconcile though. I know she does not want to live in this pain forever.

I really want to help her heal. I feel like i'm not doing as good a job of that as i could be or should be. Or so she tells me. I don't really know....am i doing the work? Am i not doing the work? Or doing some work but not enough of it?

In our situation, there was no trickle truth. All was put out in the open right away. I went full NC right away and that remains and shall remain. I have no interest or desire to engage with the former AP and no interest, desire or temptation to engage in any wayward activity whatsoever. I want to demonstrate to my W that I am a safe partner. While my W has just reason to doubt me and not trust me, I do know that on this i am safe and that i am acting with integrity.

Where the bigger issue lies is my ability (lack thereof) to be truly empathetic. My first post last August was about struggling to show empathy in the face of anger. I wish i could say things are different 6 months later. Through IC, i've done work to identify and openly acknowledge things about myself that in the past i would have dismissed or been defensive about. I look back on our marriage and see how my communication style was harmful to my W and was invalidating her feelings. I let my spin and view on things be what prevailed and it made her feel silenced and without a voice in the family. I didn't see it then and wasn't looking or listening close enough to see the signs and the negative impact it was having. I see now how my behaviors were a root cause in the deterioration of our marriage (note: that is no way an excuse for my having an A). But even with the acknowledgement of this, my sincere apology for it and my openness to address and work on my flaws (add selfishness, defensiveness and stubbornness to the list), my W still sees me as "that person" and that there has been no change at all. Thus, i am still not a safe partner.

Also in IC, did a good deal of work on empathy. For a while i feel i was doing good with identifying with her feelings and sitting in her pain. I think in recent weeks i've taken a step back on that. I've reverted to some defensiveness. We talk about the marriage daily. Not always about the A. That is a huge issue but isn't as center stage as it was earlier on. A very large part of our issue is her feeling disrespected by me and me not caring about her feelings. I know i've done many things to change and act and communicate in better and healthier ways. But i'm feeling like nothing i've done makes a difference. I'm constantly being told about things i'm not doing or that i haven't done well or should have done better and how those things are signs of emotional abuse. That's a super charged word and one i don't agree with. It makes me either shut down or be defensive. I feel like if i screw up on something, say the wrong thing, not demonstrate empathy in a situation, that's all bad and steps backward (as it should be). For anything i've done or been doing that demonstrates positive change, that counts for nothing. I don't want or need to be praised for being "less shitty". But i do get frustrated when told i haven't done anything to change and that i don't care about her feelings.

As i reflected on this last night, i realized that this dynamic is making me less receptive to my W's feedback. I'm taking it as criticism. And then i respond with defensiveness. I want to point out the 10 things that are better and that 1 thing that I didn't do well does not make me a narcissistic psychopath that doesn't take accountability and is incapable of change. I realize that i am not validating her feelings and thus not showing empathy for what she is going through. The fact that i'm feeling defeated is causing me to be defensive. And that of course is self defeating in and of itself.

I know 2yrs is still early in the recovery and reconciliation process. Seeing other people write about their journey to R and how that took multiple years does help. For much of the past 2yrs i felt we could get there. Times feel dark right now it is hard to see that happening. While i'm losing hope, i do remain committed to working on myself and to working on healing my wife and the marriage. I need to do better at being empathetic in the face of anger, because the anger is justified based on my past actions.

39 comments posted: Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Empathy and connection in the face of anger and blame - help

This is my first post. I've sat in front of the computer so many times and started at this blank box not knowing how or where to begin. But I do know that I need some help and support and I see how helpful and honest people are on this site, so here goes...

Background (short version)...I am the WS. Married 25 years to a wonderful woman who did not deserve any of the hurt and pain i've caused her. Had an A three years ago that lasted 21 months. It ended 16 months ago. I confessed to the A but she would have found out from the H of the AP anyway, so I was effectively caught. Immediately after discovery, I went full NC with the AP. Have and will remain that way. Over the first few days/weeks, I gave all details. No trickle truth. Where we met, when, how often. How we communicated, the frequency of communication. I owned up to living a life of lies and deceit. It's hard to even type these words because it fills me with such shame and guilt. But I did those things. I caused this hurt. I ruined our marriage. I openly, willingly and authentically take responsibility for that. I feel tremendous remorse and making a real and sincere apology is a daily activity.

W and I are still together. She is trying. I am trying. But it's the hardest thing imaginable. Her hurt is so deep. The pain is ever-present. She has been here and been doing her part to try to heal and she has had the grace to give me an opportunity to heal myself and become a better person, someone that shows up for her and can actually be a good spouse again.

After d-day I began with a therapist right away. Inside of 2 months we did marriage counseling (big mistake, waste of time and money...was way to soon for that). I switched therapists after a few months (both were psychologists). This next person helped me with some breakthroughs on being able to open up to myself and to my family about my flaws and failures. How I played a lead role in our family dysfunction. My communication style was harmful. I didn't know it or see it at the time. But I look back and see it clear as day now. I would pivot and deflect from issues or problems. I wasn't truly listening and I definitely was not identifying with my W's emotional needs. I was massively deficient when it came to empathy. I still struggle in this area (more on that later). She did not feel heard. I put my own needs first, that being my selfish desire to avoid conflict. I'd avoid it by trying to make it go away. By doing so I minimized the issue or her feelings. That led to her feeling devalued and disrespected in the marriage. Again, back in those moments, I didn't see or understand that. Maybe it was a subconscious choice on my part. Too many things went unsaid and unaddressed. Resentment built up on both our parts, also unsaid and unaddressed. Instead of actually dealing with marital issues, I went out and had an A. Running away from dealing with reality. I was so shallow and i was so scared to deal with the real problems in me and in the marriage.

At about the 8 month mark after d-day, she want to IC for betrayal trauma. That got me connected to a different IC for me in the same practice. We did full therapeutic discovery, including polygraph. It's been 7 months since we did that. We are both still currently seeing these ICs.

I would like to say that after 16 months, we were moving in a positive direction. But things are as difficult as ever. The future of the M is very much in doubt. There our tears and crying daily (i wish i cried, i don't. another example of my lack of emotional depth/maturity). We talk about the A or other marital/relationship issues daily. Often they are conversations that last anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. On days with a big trigger or a day filled with anger, it can be much longer than that. I try very hard to not get defensive (i still do sometimes). I try very hard to respond with empathy. I own my terrible choices and the horrible impact this has had on my W and our M. I take the hits even when she says things that I don't agree with.

So, getting to the topic I put in the subject line...I am having trouble with being truly empathic and finding connection between us in the face of her anger and resentment toward me over what I've done. She labels me with every mental health disorder in the book - i'm a narcissist, i have oppositional defiance disorder, maybe i'm bipolar, i'm on the spectrum. This frustrates me b/c i've seen a few shrinks, even did a PAI test and they don't see these things in their clinical view. In addition to the labeling, she tells me routinely she will never get over this and she will never forgive me. In some of the angrier moments, she says she regrets the day she met me and regrets that i came into her life. Constant disparaging remarks about me, about the type of person i am, how selfish and disrespectful i am, etc. Hearing these types of things over and over does wear me down. I know it comes from a place of pain in her, a pain that i caused. That is not lost on me. But it is still hard for me to hear these awful things about me all the time. Many things she has a valid point on. There are also many things that are not accurate. I can't say anything about that bc if i do i would be seen as being defensive or minimizing.

All this causes me to feel hopeless about R and our potential to find our way through to a revived marriage. I feel like she will never be open to seeing me or experiencing me in a different way. It is only the lense of the past. It makes it hard to try to live in the now. I still love my W. Very very much. I want to be with her and her only. I want her to want to want the same. I know i need to show up in the right ways. All the time and with consistency.

Any advice from your experiences on how you have worked on your connection and empathy with your BS in the face of on-going anger and resentment?

I don't want to feel hopeless and I don't want to give up. But I am struggling.

18 comments posted: Monday, August 1st, 2022