SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not FWH...it's me.

Moved our only kid into college last week. Everything went well. We're both back home trying to get into some kind of routine. Mostly, we're doing well. At least well with each other. Just this milestone..... I didn't stay in recovery or reconciliation for our son, but I did consider him when I decided to work hard. Being just with FWH in the house.....I'm asking myself "Is this it?". He's not doing anything wrong. Actually, he does so much right.

We've had a wonderful summer together as a family. Though, back at home is trigger central. It's even been more than 3 years....but coming home the affair is consuming more of my brain than I'd like.

I just can't shake that FWH was an enthusiastic participant in the affair. That a friend of mine was also enthusiastic about betraying me in the way they did. I guess, in my mind, I really wanted better for myself....I hate that the affair, even in the past, is part of our story. I hate how many people know in our small town. Feeling a bit of shame about that.

I know it will take time to adjust to empty nest. Stupid Monday.

Empty nest is a thing and it's hard with or without infidelity. Most couples have to kind of rediscover each other during this time. The dynamic is changed. ( I believe there are a lot of divorces at this stage)

I think it's natural at this point to have the affair bubble up to front and center. Firstly, you likely kept some of your thoughts and feelings at bay while you took care of your family. The blessings of that helped to soothe you but also might have delayed some processing? Process it now. Journal, IC, post here, talk to WS, whatever it takes.

Secondly, now it's just you two. Unfortunately, "you two" have this ugly scar and that's probably not how you imagined this time in your life. I think it's ok to be disappointed in that. Maybe talk to WS about your feelings.

Your rekindling might need a different approach because of the infidelity. Date your WS. Think about what you really want and need from your partner now, not just as a co-parent and partner but as a romantic interest. Your WS has to bring the energy you crave, the full throated interest in you and your marriage. Ask for it. However it looks to you. Cultivate it too. Think of the possibilities! You guys are all alone. Can go where you please and do as you please. Start having some fun, on your terms, and let your imagination run wild.

Also pursue YOUR individual interests. Start that hobby you always wanted to start, spend more time with your friends, join a group that explores something you always wanted to try (book clubs, beekeeping, cooking classes, whatever!) and get out there filling your life with things that make you happy. The better you feel as a person the less you will rely on him for that feeling.

TheEnd....thank you. It's been all of a week. Lots hitting right now. And, H is also facing it too. And, in the last week, my long estranged father had a massive stroke. Met my "stepmother" for the first time. She's my age. (We've been able to work together graciously). H's affair was with a much younger woman. Everything feels so weird right now. I don't think either of us are in a mindset to think of dreams right now....though having something positive to look forward to is just what I need.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 12:23 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

We have couple friends, mostly my W’s friend, I tolerate the H. They are newly empty nesters. No infidelity issues that I know of. She is so lost and depressed trying to find her purpose. She took care of kids so long she doesn’t feel needed. Her H is totally checked out. He isn’t there for her at all and she wants to D over it. I feel sorry for this couple because she is very vulnerable for an exit plan and I worry she could have an A.

I think as a couple in R we would both be tuned into the needs of the other. I think we would better for each other knowing how hard this season of life can be.

What I’m saying is this is hard on any couple, draw closer work towards enjoying each other.

I've had a similar experience hitting sixty. My FWW and I have a good, happy relationship and I love her very much. We've worked hard and we have a lot to be thankful for. But as I look forward to our "golden years," I cannot help but mourn the future that I had always imagined would be ours back when I believed that we had a one in a million relationship.

One of the good things about an empty nest is being able to have really in-depth discussions with your spouse. I agree that the A issues can be resurfacing because the pressures of child-rearing are no longer as pressing.

I’m so sorry, Ladybug. I have a few more years before empty nest, but I dread it. My kids are really fun right now—active teenagers who are pretty considerate and sweet and interesting (not perfect by any means—they’re teens—but I enjoy them). I can’t even imagine how hard it’s going to be. I hope you can hit a groove and find some peace and fulfillment. How are you doing today?

Life transitions are difficult. There are so many uncertainties, unknowns, fears, etc. When we are faced with major changes in life, it is normal for our past hurts to resurface. Let these emotions of doubt and fear come and go. Articulate your what you are feeling to your spouse so he understands what you are going through. Otherwise he might think you are pulling away from him. Communicate more than ever and plan fun times together. Ice cream dates after dinner, late movie nights, long walks in the morning, etc.
Yeah it sucks that affair happened. It sucks people know. But there is no shame in staying or leaving. Staying takes guts, courage, resilience. NOT weakness. It shows loyalty, compassion, and willingness to forgive. Wishing you many years of happiness with your spouse. Hang in there.

Thank you guys. Working on it all. I'd love for the A to stop occupying so much space in my brain.

I’m right there with you on that. Hugs.

I feel your pain. Just moved the oldest back to her student house last Thursday, she was hardly around all summer because she was working so much. I really miss her. Middle has decided to work for a year and save some money to travel, youngest went back to high school today. Not sure if it's just change that I'm not liking, normally doesn't bother me.

Coming up to 7 year DD "anniversary". Had been doing really well for the past few years but lately (past 6-9 months), just not feeling it anymore.

I HATE that this is part of my story. I'm really not sure if I did make the right decision years ago. I thought I stayed to see how much better our marriage/relationship could become. Maybe I really did just stay because I was scared of trying to support 3 young kids while working part time. Who knows? This is such a fuckery.