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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
BS accidentally discovered H's one year affair 3 weeks ago. 45 year marriage.Me-66,H-67.

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 lawyermom (original poster member #2652) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I'm overwhelmed that this is happening yet again. H is a serial cheater. I am facing breast surgery in early September. Have done the 180. Have gotten some of the correspondence between H and "love of his life." Correspondence is very detailed and descriptive. They communicated in private on Classmates and other sites. Of course, I am the cheater, I am miserable...it's all my fault that he cheats! OW's husband doesn't know. He deserves to know IMO. Should I tell him and how? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Struggling here. Two adult daughters wondering what's wrong with mom. Both trying to start families. God help me.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2003   ·   location: N.J.
id 8747659
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:51 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Sorry to hear this, please be kind to yourself this is not your fault.

It does not matter how you tell him, present the evidence.

You are a witness to the murder of a marriage please testify.

I can't tell you how much it would have helped if someone came forth to tell me.

Tell him before more of his life drains away with a woman who likely does not love him.

It's 3 vs 1 now, do the right thing.

[This message edited by survrus at 2:52 PM, Friday, July 29th]

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8747662
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

His choices are not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do caused this. Nothing you are or are not caused this. Cheaters love to flip the script and blame anyone other than themselves. I couldn't possibly be due to the fact that they are amoral broken ego kibble sucking hounds.

Please know that what your are feeling and dealing with is all normal. While the story may be unique the actions of cheaters is not.

You state he is a serial cheater. What is he possibly giving you in your relationship that makes it worth staying and taking the abuse, the emotional abuse, the verbal assaults, the trauma he is causing?

You have adult kids, allow them to help you through your upcoming procedures and focus 100% on you and your healing. Hell see if you can stay with them for a while. Give yourself some distance. When you are subjecting yourself to the daily abuse, and trauma it becomes a bit easier to see the damage a WS who blames their partner is just a broken abuser.

See your Dr let them know what's up. Get STD tested. Talk about your anxiety/trauma, and if you are struggling w/ eating and sleeping let them know. Good sleep and nutrition is essential to you healing properly. Also given your age you should have a full physical, preoperatively if you are in flight/fight mode then your Blood pressure can take a hit and so forth. Its important to focus on your well being.

While seeing the Dr also ask for a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma recovery. Start healing yourself.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19415   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8747665
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

LM, sorry you found yourself in the same situation again @ 45 years mark...
That probably means, all the prior infidelities have been rug-swept? It was no IC for your WH?

He deserves to know IMO. Should I tell him and how? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Yes, IMO, you should! Try to find OBS (other BS's) contact information (phone #, email, facebook, etc). You can tell him something like: I'm so and so. My WH has/had an inappropriate relationship with your wife. I'm sending you some proof (you can attach screenshots, etc). If you would like to contact me for more details or cross reference, pls don't hesitate to do so. My contact is ____". DON"T tell your WH what you plan to do. One of the reasons is that if he approaches you regarding this matter, you'll know that they're still in contact. This action will also place you in the driver's seat, and you'll start gaining control of the situation.

Have you confronted your WH already?

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8747667
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:35 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

You are not obligated to lie, even by omission, to cover over your WHs crime and minimize the effect on his life.

You took a vow of fidelity as did he, you did not take a vow of silence to join a street gang.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8747675
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 lawyermom (original poster member #2652) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Thank you all for replying. He is a serial cheater which I, in my naïveté, found out about, I had said I was done, wanted a divorce. Separated for a year. Went IC, talked into marriage counseling, telling the truth was counselors bottom line. Finally admitted in that Drip-Drip- Drip manor. He had to stop all contact. Stop drinking and drugging. Kids were preteens with eating disorders. Took him back after 18 months, Stupid. Here I am again. This guy has been involved, intimately, with this woman but swears it is nothin and it's over. Just naively thought the potential arrival of grand babies would matter. It doesn't. I'm really hurting and my grown daughters, who figured this out on their own for the most part, are devastated. I'm going to spend time with them for a few days. Good medicine. I'm going to tell the OW's husband. Phone him? Text him? Write a letter? Include the correspondence between his wife and my WH?

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2003   ·   location: N.J.
id 8747696
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 4:47 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

LM,
from my post above:
"Try to find OBS (other BS's) contact information (phone #, email, facebook, etc). You can tell him something like: I'm so and so. My WH has/had an inappropriate relationship with your wife. I'm sending you some proof (you can attach screenshots, etc). If you would like to contact me for more details or cross reference, pls don't hesitate to do so. My contact is ____". DON"T tell your WH what you plan to do. One of the reasons is that if he approaches you regarding this matter, you'll know that they're still in contact. This action will also place you in the driver's seat, and you'll start gaining control of the situation." You can use multiple ways, whichever you would be to find, to contact OBS.

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8747698
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 4:51 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

On my way out, please remove your name from your profile. This is an anonymous site.

Will respond later.

Sorry you find yourself here. sad

posts: 11566   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8747699
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

LM,
you write:

Went IC, talked into marriage counseling, telling the truth was counselors bottom line.

Did both of you go to individual counseling? How long did your WH go? Looks like your WH has other addictions: alcohol and drugs... Many times, sadly, infidelity accompanies other addictions. And then you were placed into MC? Did your WH figured out his issues and did the work to fix his issues prior to MC? M is not a problem, your WH is the problem in your relationship with him with his brokenness and looks like multiple issues, he's even a problem to himself... Your goal should be to get out of infidelity one way or another with strict and strong boundaries and heal yourself.

You gave him a chance to fix himself, only IC can do this, not MC. Did he use this opportunity faithfully with determination to better himself? Is he even consciously aware of his issues?

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8747701
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 6:51 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

First and foremost, accept no blame. Whatever his excuses are, he could have addressed them in the marriage or he could have just left honestly. But he didn't cheat because of whatever his excuses are. He cheated because he's selfish and he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Definitely inform OBS. Nobody should be left to live a lie without even knowing. Send them a letter in certified mail, signature required. APs are often forewarned and looking to intercept communications from BSs. Keep it factual and include a copy of some proof if you have it. Let them know if you're willing to talk further about it an how to contact you, if so.

I was so humiliated by what my WW did that I didn't want anyone to know. I realize now that was partially because I was accepting the blame for her A, but also because I was still being protective of her and didn't want to see her (and her family) suffer the consequences of her terrible actions. That protectiveness was based on an illusion of who she was that I didn't want to let go of.

Still, her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer less than a year later and I'm glad that knowledge wasn't a burden on their relationship during that time.

Your children are adults so it's entirely up to you what you tell them. You don't owe your WS secrecy or protection. But you're not obligated to tell your children details if you don't want to. "We're having problems that we're working through." is enough to address their concerns if you're not ready to share more.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 419   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8747711
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I'm so sorry you are here.

As to telling the OBS, I think the first concern is that you are able to actually reach the OBS and not the AP. I think ideally, that means either telephoning or emailing the OBS at their work phone/email. If that is not possible (not all jobs include email or phone), you'll have to parse out what option may work best for your situation. You can call at home and hope he answers vs AP. You can try FB messenger, tho some couples have access to it (and couples with a history of infidelity would b on that list!) One option is US mail, return receipt and restricted delivery (tho the "agent" can sign for restricted delivery, if you opt for return receipt you would know if it was signed for by the AP or the OBS - that's an option I might not use if, say, the OBS works full time and the AP is at home). You can hire a PI or process server to deliver only to HIM. I assume there is more - that's what I got off the top of my head.

I think the "my name is x, my WH's name is Y, your wife, Z and WH have been having an A for x period of time. I thought you should know" is the down & dirty basics of it. Personally, I would include at least some of the correspondence between the WS and the AP. Not everything, but maybe the first, the most recent, and something in-between to show how long it has been going on. I would probably not "cherry pick" the worst of the worst - but let the OBS know that if they want it all, you are happy to share it (IOW, let them decide if they want the simple details or the gory ones).

Just my $0.02. I think each of us needs to approach it in a way that feels best for them. My caution is to make sure that it's actually going to the OBS and not sent in a way that the AP can intercept.

I hope time with your kids helps you find a little bit of peace. I agree with others that with upcoming procedures and physical health... YOU deserve self care with fires on two planes right now.

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3824   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8747715
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2022

Use a PI to get as much information as you can about the other spouse. You need to be very quiet about doing this. Don’t tell your cheater anything

Serial cheaters are not good marriage material. They just aren’t because at some point they decide that whatever is on the other side is better than what’s here and will leave you. That’s how little investment they have in you and your marriage Protect yourself financially

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8750076
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