SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I used to be very proud of my wife. I felt she was worth the wait (married when I was 30) and I had dedicated Robert Cray's "Laugh Out Loud" to her and our marriage. I thought she made me a better person and I would welcome the opportunity to introduce her to friends and coworkers.

Since her affair, I don't see her as the kind, Christian, selfless woman she claims to be. I see her as fake. I've realized that many people that have met her do not like her because she is condescending (seems she's gotten that way since her affair). I realize I'm the better person. I'm genuine, devoted, caring, faithful, Christian. I don't invite her to work functions or to stop by the office. I rarely mention her in conversations. I don't consider her a prize anymore.

We've passed our 25th anniversary, 5 years post DDay. Since her affair, I don't post celebratory FB news of our anniversary, her birthday, or what a great partner she is. Right now I live day to day but don't see a future with us together once the youngest is out of the house. I used to think I was lucky.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been different if the Affair had not occurred in your house.

Hard to say. I think it was a culmination of everything. The fact it was in the house was bad, but so were the acts they did, as well as the fact she let me meet with him to pitch me a project that could have tied us to him for years.

Of all the things the house aspect would have been the easiest to fix. She wanted to sell it after d day for a new start, but I was too stubborn. Really stupid on my part. I remember the day I moved out was like dropping a hundred pound boulder I was carrying around

Meg Meg, totally get what you are saying. We would go to dinners who didn’t know and they would gush about how lucky I was to have such an amazing wife. I could see the fear in her eyes as I clammed up clenching and her knowing the next few days were going to be rough

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 8:13 PM, Wednesday, July 27th]

I feel sometimes we overthink things way too much and sometimes these forums give us even more things to think about then we normally would. lol. Someone told me... after I decided to reconcile... how proud they were of me.. Maybe nobody has told you that.. so here it is... You should be so proud for taking the chance.. taking that chance to work on and stay in love with the one you married.. proud that the worst pain that you ever felt was the one who was supposed to heal your hurts but you are forging on and making it work anyway. So today, be proud... be proud of yourself and be proud of your marriage that even though it has been fractured.. you can make it look different and new again. God bless.

I really appreciate everyone who has weighed in with their experience and perspective.
From This0is0Fine

it's not really fair to have pride in your relationship because you are only responsible for half of it. You should have pride in how you have behaved in your relationship.

I see the truth in this, because this view also acknowledges that one partner isn't at fault for relationship failure if the other person single-handedly exits (emotionally, physically, etc.) or just fails to maintain their end.

Yet, I also have felt pride in being a part of larger musical ensembles. When things go well in a collective musical effort, the sum seems greater than any individual part, and I guess I've seen marriage like this. Yes, i only contribute my part, but I still felt pride in the combined whole when we were both contributing well. The sum did seem greater than the parts. Maybe this is related to the "relationship calculus" that goes something like this: one key to a happy relationship isn't when each partner gives 50%, but when both partners feel like they are giving about 70%. (A nugget of wisdom my great uncle shared at his 50th anniversary party as my great aunt sat on his lap.)

Yet, I do understand that the center of your post is that I can only control my part of the relationship. I totally agree with this.

getbusyliving

I just don't say anything much about our relationship anymore...

This is the same "ah-ha" moment I had that made me realize that I'd lost pride in the relationship (even wondering if I'm a bit embarrassed to have stayed) and wondered if pride would ever be regained.

Grieving

At this point, I mostly hang on to the practical, concrete goods that I can identify. We still parent as a team easily and work together super well. We still enjoy each other’s company, share common interests, and like doing things together. We still have mutually satisfying sex...

Yep, I really relate to this. It sums up a lot about where we are at right now. I just want to believe that time and continued work--on both our parts--will result in getting to a better point.

OldWounds

Overall, I am very proud of us.

It isn’t perfect, it never was, but there is something about not giving up on each other or what we want out our relationship....I’m proud of fighting for the marriage we BOTH wanted and found a way to get it, despite the horror show.

This post gives me hope (just hope...not "hopium" ) that it is possible. I don't know if we'll get there, but nice to know it's possible.

Yet, from the posts so far, odds don't seem to be in favor of this outcome.

I'm a a hard worker, persistent, and an optimist. Because of these traits, I have to check in a lot with myself about also being willing to walk away if that action is truly in my own best interests. I have gotten better at not leading/managing my fWH's work and being honest (with him and with myself) about judging by his actions and not his words.

Right now, the work is still difficult and the conversations challenging, but it is going well.

[Edited to fix punctuation]

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 9:29 PM, Wednesday, July 27th]

WhiteCarrera

I was proud of what we had; believed we had something unique, truly a situation where 1 + 1 equaled something more than just 2. Now it's just "good" and like Breachoftrust said, "I mean, I could have our relationship with anyone and it would be mostly the same." I agree with this so much. Now it's just 1+1 = 2 (no more, no less)

Ah, this really nails the relationship calculus I referred to in my previous post. It seemed like 1+1 equaled more than 2 for me as well.

Now, I'm waiting to see if we can get there again...or, if we can't, if I can live with the more basic equation. Jury is still out.

As you can see from my stacked reply posts, I'm responding as a read and re-read. Just finally got the time and energy to respond today.

Tushnurse and Want2BHappyAgain, I appreciate you weighing in that it IS possible to regain pride and joy in the relationship.

Both of your views align with my perspective about people and life. People are flawed and life is tough (brutal), but acknowledging the efforts of flawed people to regain their center and stand again (alone or or in the marriage) is to be celebrated!

Fof9303

Maybe nobody has told you that.. so here it is... You should be so proud for taking the chance.. taking that chance to work on and stay in love with the one you married.. proud that the worst pain that you ever felt was the one who was supposed to heal your hurts but you are forging on and making it work anyway. So today, be proud... be proud of yourself and be proud of your marriage that even though it has been fractured.. you can make it look different and new again. God bless.

Just...wow. Brings tears to my eyes every time I read it, so it was definitely something I needed to hear. Thanks for being that person in my path today.

Betrayal is brutal, and I support the very personal and difficult decisions we have all had to make about staying, separating, implementing any version of a 180, or divorcing. In all choices, we have to heal ourselves.

I appreciate each person who has taken time to reflect on their own journey and weigh in. Each of you gives me food for thought and builds me up.

I really appreciate reading these reflections, too. WhiteCarerra’s 1+1=2 thoughts sum up my experience at the present time. But I’m hopeful that I’ll get that musical ensemble feeling back at some point. I don’t know if that’s hopium or not.

I have pride in my relationship.

We have been through a lot and have worked too hard for me to not feel proud of us.

I used to have pride in my relationship and it was different than the pride I have now. Not better/worse, perhaps more naive. I know more now. Our relationship is both stronger and, at the same time, more fragile than I thought it was.

I was proud of our relationship in part because I had delusions of what it was. That was partly my own naive view of things but also because so many friends and family told us how great it was. Nobody else married 20 years was so close or loving, they would say. When people would ask the secret I would tell them it was love, complete trust, and completely open communication. I really thought that we had a very special relationship: Love, Twoo Love. I thought we shared that feeling.

But the truth is that I was just very committed to her happiness. Much more than she was to mine. And very few people can keep up the pace on that treadmill forever. Especially when the subject of their devotion has problems with self-esteem or self-validation.

For years after the A I was proud of the fact that I had stayed true to that notion of love and that I had and fought for the marriage. But I also battled the shame and humiliation that I allowed myself to be used and abused that way, all for a notion of love that she only shared as long as it suited her.

Now after rehashing it all 20 years later to figure out why it was bothering me again, I understand that a lot of what I gave myself credit for, but was also ashamed of, was my just response to the trauma of betrayal. I couldn't imagine life without my only source of support so I clung to her desperately. And I loved her. I still give myself some credit for that even if I didn't really know who she was at that time.

Now, I'm proud of the fact that in spite of everything we still love each other and we're still committed and working through whatever issues arise. I'm still sometimes angry at the past, and still sometimes frustrated with the present, but we're working through it.

Hey BB -

This post gives me hope (just hope...not "hopium" smile ) that it is possible. I don't know if we'll get there, but nice to know it's possible.

Yet, from the posts so far, odds don't seem to be in favor of this outcome.

I'm a a hard worker, persistent, and an optimist. Because of these traits, I have to check in a lot with myself about also being willing to walk away if that action is truly in my own best interests. I have gotten better at not leading/managing my fWH's work and being honest (with him and with myself) about judging by his actions and not his words.

Right now, the work is still difficult and the conversations challenging, but it is going well.

Well, two keys you mentioned here regarding building the type of R you want — honesty and hard work. It takes a great of both.

And you mentioned the odds.

Based on divorce rates, the stories here where most folks either don’t try R at all or spend YEARS in limbo, I knew it was uphill going in.

That said, building something stronger on the other side of this traumatic adversity, against all of those odds do seem show something else contributing to the pride I have about where my wife and I are now. We went from not sure our M was even viable, burned down to the foundation — to the massive work to create the relationship we always wanted, is an accomplishment.

As with most things people build in this world, there is some pride in that.

I hope (not hopium) you continue to fight for a relationship worthy of you.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:54 PM, Saturday, July 30th]

I am heartened by those of you who are proud of what you’ve built in the aftermath of betrayal. I hope for that some day, and it sounds much more realistic than getting back the romantic sense of my marriage that I had before my husband’s affair.

Fof9303, I also appreciated your encouragement to be proud of ourselves. That I can muster some days.

Yes. You can choose to live in the past or truly recognize the positive changes that have come out of the R process.

If your M is better in some way, celebrate it.

If not, I’m sorry that did not happen for you.

Hi @BreakingBad I'm so sorry you've had to go through the pain of betrayal, a path no one should have to walk and my heart goes out to you.
In my own reflection to your question, I will say I am grateful for the newness and healing that has occurred in my marriage and I'm proud that we chose the path of R as hard as it was, proud that we both overcame something that was meant to destroy our marriage and on our journey of R, learnt about the redeeming power of love.

So I just want to encourage you that you can be proud that you are getting stronger everyday and my prayer for you is that the near future bring complete healing for your emotions and true and lasting R for your marriage.

I hope to one day say that my marriage was not perfect but I’m proud that both of us didn’t give up on each other and worked hard to make our marriage fulfilling.

Bc let’s be honest folks. Most marriages have scars. That’s why half of them don’t work out.

This isn’t a Disney movie. There is no "happily ever after" and poof your marriage is perfect.

Marriage is hard bc life is hard.

Not to disagree with you too much omni, but if my wife said "marriage is hard because life is hard" or "all marriages have scars" I'd tell her that is some real false equivalency bullshit.

I'm not saying you are wrong but my marriage doesn't have a scar because life is hard. It's has a scar because my wife cheated on me.

No.

In our case: yes! It’s been a long road, and massive work. But we both celebrate what we have built.

I've been following this thread. And mentally drafted several replies. But one thought kept circling around my mind.

I REGAIN PRIDE IN MYSELF.

Since I was a late teen I have been a confident person. I did me. Love me or hate me [your pick] I did me and was authentic. I was kind, compassionate, empathetic yet bold. DDay shattered the goddess within. But I refused to stay down. It took about 4 months from DDay1 before I got sick of myself and slowly started clawing myself out of the abyss. Then just when I could see light - more DDays. The...again...clawing myself out enter an attorney and Cease and Desist.

So...to answer your question. I can't regain pride in my former relationship as that one is dead - blown to smithereens. I regain pride in myself. Then the relationship [which is good BTW] can develop into something worthy of pride. But that won't be regained - it will be because we built something new worthy of pride.

Pride regained comes from within.

Almost at the five year anniversary of my death.
Before the find… yesss
Love, pride… head up.. I had the best of the best and would say it.
Would feel it.. good days bad days.. I most certainly took pride in all of it.

Now? The old wedding anniversary is coming up then followed by the Dday.
Pride? Not one damn bit. May all sound like I am hard and bitter but that is not it at all. The actions threw so much stain that even what was once special hardly allows anything to shine through.

Took off my ring two years ago.
Was liberating.
Sadly.

The past five years have been hell to say the least.
I will say that the man before me is contrite.. very.. should I take pride in that? From what I have read and what so many folks have to deal with after they were gutted like a fish … I should be however, my skin is too thick these days.

It’s all just so damn hard.