JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 4:38 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
I probably post here too much but it’s the only place I feel like I can go to talk about my situation. My mom and sister aren’t exactly the most understanding when it comes to my affair. They’ll ask again and again how I could do this. Why would I do this? My mom will say didn’t you realize you have a really good husband? A hard working husband? And my parent’s disappointment is so hard for me to deal with.
Well I didn’t meet my husband for coffee this weekend as he said he just wasn’t up for it and he felt like he was spiraling. You see he actually read the letter I wrote him about my affair, what I was thinking, how I justified it to myself. And I think it hurt him pretty badly all over again. So when I texted him about coffee he just said "I’m not really up for it, Cup." He calls me Cup short for Cupcake which is a nickname he gave me when we first met. He said he was just having a really hard time.
So I called him because I really was worried he might backslide and start drinking again but he said he wasn’t going to and he’s been working out instead so he was going to the gym. He said he’s just not sure right now and I feel like maybe he’s changing his mind about reconciliation.
We talked last week about a potential divorce and how we’d work things out. Nothing is official yet but we have an agreement I guess about it. But maybe it won’t come to that.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:10 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
Hi, Justplainlost, BS here. Post as often as you need to.
Your concern is genuine, but you need to give your husband the space he needs.
I'm sure you understand by now that infidelity is traumatic. The emotions are still raw even after 9? months since D-Day. They are raw after a year, two years, and sometimes more than that. Your affair started pretty much at the beginning of your marriage, a time that should have been building a future together. I don't know if any WS will truly understand the depth of the pain of betrayal. It's like being in a dark pit and trying to crawl your way out but you keep sliding down back into the abyss, and it's frightening. Your husband is in pain, is lost and confused, and he's still trying to crawl his way up to the top of the pit. He needs time to sort through his emotions.
Be there for him if he needs to talk, even if R is off the table.
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
He said he’s just not sure right now and I feel like maybe he’s changing his mind about reconciliation.
The roller coaster is entirely normal. It's extremely hard to predict the outcome at this stage, especially if there are no practical circumstances that make a BS lean towards R (shared children, financial entanglement). The good news is that without those considerations, he's free to make the decision that's right for him. If he does decide to stay, you'll know it was of his own volition.
While you're waiting for the next update, are you ready to tell us more about what happened that led you into the affair? I understand why you want to focus on him and what he's thinking and planning, but the foundation for R has to be laid by you. Until he's convinced you're stable, he has no reason to join your plans to rebuild.
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 7:22 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
BraveSirRobin: Yes I’d be willing to share some things here. I’m busy with work right now but later this evening I will share with you.
Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
What makes R difficult is the roller coaster of emotions while at the same time trying to rebuild with someone you don’t trust.
Give him space to heal and never try to push him along. There is no short cut to healing for either of you.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 11:53 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022
Just Plain Lost
Suggestion - keep to one thread - makes readers easier to figure out what is going on with your issues.
Regarding spouse - my supposition is he is still reeling from his life getting trashed. It takes some time for thoughts to gel and for the betrayed to figure out what they will accept and the path to that acceptance.
His Marine background and training - makes "accepting" what you did even harder. Above all, Marines have a code of honor and he has to reconcile his path forward in life with the Marine Code.
For you, I say plan for a divorce and if that doesn't happen - at least you will have prepared yourself for the worst. The moving forward may (?) not seem so difficult to mentally process.
Have you read the books "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends" - good for starters on getting your boundaries defined.
Write a timeline - xrated - and another not so detailed and have them ready in case he asks.
Try to have an answer to "How could you do that to our marriage?" - likely he will ask you many times if you stay together and/or in contact.
Hope you find peace -
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 1:21 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
I will and I have given him a timeline. I started to write a post about my affair and it hurts to even type it out. It’s embarrassing to even tell internet strangers about my actions.
sundance ( member #72129) posted at 2:01 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
justplainlost: I started to write a post about my affair and it hurts to even type it out.
my heart is literally aching for you. i have been where you are at-- hell, i still don't really ever tell much of my own story.
it's okay if you're not up to giving us all the details-- in time you might be willing to share more.
hoping you have a better tomorrow. hugs, sunny
Rusty: You scared?Linus: You suicidal?Rusty: Only in the morning.
midnightschild99 ( new member #33465) posted at 2:30 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
You’ll receive more specific advice based on experience if you are comfortable sharing some of your story.
JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 3:52 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
I will. I’ll work up the guts to do it. I’ve been such a gutless coward over the last two years. I’ve just been depressed and pain shopping all day. Looking at pictures of happier times on Facebook and wondering why the hell I did this to our lives.
[This message edited by JustPlainLost at 3:52 AM, Tuesday, July 26th]
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 11:20 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
When you do, I suggest that you return to a stop signed thread. Many waywards seem to feel that the stop sign is cowardly, and in removing it, they steel themselves to take their lumps. Unfortunately, I've seen that backfire over and over, because the WS is still too raw to bear the bluntness, and we never get them back. Detailed accounts of betrayal can also be triggering for suffering BS to read, and they can end up saying things that they regret in the long run. Bans from the Wayward Side are permanent. We have some long term members who regret the triggered things they said here early on that shut the door on them ever participating again.
Don't get me wrong: some of the best, most compassionate advice I've ever seen here came from betrayed members. Over time, they will be invaluable to you. But you have to crawl before you can walk. If your story is half as bad as it sounds, you're best off starting to talk about it with guard rails in place, to people who all are here because we too betrayed someone we loved and should have protected.
JungAdmirer ( member #47685) posted at 5:29 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022
Explaining as a BH after WW long term PA:
There was something going on in your life that created a pressing need you could no longer ignore. You chose to address that need with an EA/PA. You need to be able to describe your feelings in some detail to your WS. You had alternatives, explain how & why you chose the path you took.
Next you need to explain why this pressing need is no longer an issue. How did you get from betrayer to loyalist? Why change now?
My WW said to me, "I will never harm you or any other in this way again". Can you see how shallow this is? What I want is a partner whose character actions show commitment, integrity & vulnerability. I do not need a self-centered, dishonest partner who has merely agreed not to betray in the same way again.
Write it all down. It will feel like falling on your sword (at least it should). Otherwise, the BS is likely waiting for the other shoe to drop.