Newest Member: KRE74

JustPlainLost

Husband feeling down this week.

I probably post here too much but it’s the only place I feel like I can go to talk about my situation. My mom and sister aren’t exactly the most understanding when it comes to my affair. They’ll ask again and again how I could do this. Why would I do this? My mom will say didn’t you realize you have a really good husband? A hard working husband? And my parent’s disappointment is so hard for me to deal with.

Well I didn’t meet my husband for coffee this weekend as he said he just wasn’t up for it and he felt like he was spiraling. You see he actually read the letter I wrote him about my affair, what I was thinking, how I justified it to myself. And I think it hurt him pretty badly all over again. So when I texted him about coffee he just said "I’m not really up for it, Cup." He calls me Cup short for Cupcake which is a nickname he gave me when we first met. He said he was just having a really hard time.

So I called him because I really was worried he might backslide and start drinking again but he said he wasn’t going to and he’s been working out instead so he was going to the gym. He said he’s just not sure right now and I feel like maybe he’s changing his mind about reconciliation.

We talked last week about a potential divorce and how we’d work things out. Nothing is official yet but we have an agreement I guess about it. But maybe it won’t come to that.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

The lies we told about our BS during the affair.

Today I’m having a tough time dealing with some of the things I said to other people about my husband before and during my affair. In my mind I needed to justify my actions so I built him up to be and unloving control freak. Sure we had arguments about money but he was never controlling and he only acted cold to me after I started pushing him away in the weeks leading up to my affair.

I had told one of my best friends things about him that were embellished to make him look bad in order to make her more understanding of why I was stepping outside my marriage. And she encouraged me to do it. I’m not saying any of my actions were her fault but she did encourage me and made it out to be some great exciting adventure.

The worst are the things I told my AP about him. I disparaged my husband to man who doesn’t measure up to him in any conceivable way. All in order so I could have a little fun on the side and not feel guilty about it. I even made remarks about his PTSD to my AP in a mocking way. That’s the worst. For some reason today I keep dwelling on that. My AP was always afraid of my husband finding out because he knew he was a Marine and could probably best him senseless if he wanted to. So one time I said something about how my husband is afraid of fireworks these days so there’s nothing to worry about there. And we both last him about it. And I feel so god damn awful for that. I also flat out lied about our fights and money issues and even insinuated that he was abusive toward me mentally. None of that was true and I can barely look at myself in the mirror some days without wanting to throw up.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you deal knowing that you not only betrayed them but also smeared them to other people?

14 comments posted: Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

People getting in their mean little digs.

Yes. I understand that what I did was horrible. I cheated on and shattered my husband. I take full ownership of what I did. But some of the comments and looks I get from people. I have to deal with the fact that my parents are disappointed with me and my relationship with them is damaged. They don’t say much but I can tell in their attitude toward me. It’s hard enough.

But I’ve also had to hear from my sister that "You cheated first so how can you blame *husband’s name* for what he did?" This was in response to me tearfully telling her that he slept with another woman after I moved out of the house. Then just today I was on the phone with her and made a remark about going to our cousin’s engagement party. And she says "Well we all know how important marriage vows are to you." Then tries to laugh it off but it was like a knife in the gut.

I was going to make a post about dealing with the other relationships that are damaged from an affair. My relationships with my parents and siblings is definitely suffering. My sister in law was my friend before I met her brother. She introduced us. Now she has totally cut me out of her life and hasn’t spoken to me in months. I have no idea if I’ll ever repair that relationship. She and my husband had a pretty rough childhood and are really close because of it. They have two half brothers who they have a relationship with but aren’t as close to. I don’t think my husband told his brothers what’s been happening. All they know is we’ve been "having problems" and I’ve moved out.

As far as my husband goes, we will be having our weekly cup of coffee Sunday morning and maybe we can talk about some of this stuff. We’ve tried to keep our conversations light but this kind of stuff is unavoidable I guess.

8 comments posted: Saturday, July 16th, 2022

I’m going to meet my husband for coffee Saturday

So after we have been no contact for almost two months I reached out to my husband via text this afternoon. Just to say that I hope he’s doing well and that if he’d like to speak to me I am here for him. The NC was my idea as he was really angry the last time we spoke and said some very mean and hurtful things to me. I understand his anger at my betrayal but there’s only so many times I can be called names before I got angry myself so I felt it was best if we went NC for a while.

He didn’t respond to my text and I figured that he never would, but to my surprise he called me this evening. Our conversation was so awkward at first. And it hurts so bad that it’s almost like talking to a stranger at this point. How has it come to this?

So I told him some stuff about my IC. I’ve been going since January and I feel like I’ve had a few realizations about myself. I’ve always been really insecure about myself. I’m also too eager to please other people and have never been good at setting boundaries. I’ve also battled depression off and on for years. I think a lot of these things helped feed into my affair. I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying that I feel a lot of this stuff contributed to my decision making.

He listened to what I had to say. He kind of sighed and asked me "Why? Why did you do this? What did I do to deserve this?" I told him that flat out my affair had nothing to do with him. Nothing to do with how he treated me or how I felt about him as a lover or a man or a husband. None of that. Yes we fought about money but I used that as a way to vilify him in my mind to justify to myself what I was doing.

He said something that hurt me so badly, even though I don’t think he meant it to hurt. He said that he feels like he’s in hell because he still loves me but he doesn’t know if he can trust me. Plus he knows he’s shattered my trust in him by having a revenge affair.

He said he’s ashamed of himself for doing what he did and he doesn’t know why he thought it would make him feel better because he feels like he’s a piece of sh*t for doing it. Well I told him that it hurts me that he did it. I know it seems hypocritical for me to tell him he hurt me after what I did but it’s the truth and the only thing that’s going to save us is total honesty from this point forward.

He talked a little about his therapy but I still get the feeling he’s almost embarrassed that he’s going to IC. I want him to know there’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I can also tell he’s still not real comfortable talking about it yet.

So we agreed that Saturday morning we’re going to meet for a cup of coffee and to talk about what we’re going to do moving forward. I’m not going into this sit down with any great expectations but it will be nice to see his face again. These last two months have given me some perspective and I realize how much I really do miss him.

8 comments posted: Friday, July 1st, 2022

Spoke to my husband today.

I finally spoke to my husband today for the first time in almost two weeks. It’s been a brutal couple weeks as I’ve had no idea where we stood with each other. I’ve also been in a really terrible situation at work since he punched my AP in front of a few of my coworkers.

First off I asked him how he’s been doing. I do worry about him. I know it must sound odd that someone who hurt another person so badly can say they worry about him but I do. He said he’s a mess. He said he’s not going to apologize for what he did, that my AP deserved what he got and he’s lucky he didn’t get worse.

I didn’t want to push the point with him, but he’s very lucky that my boss was there the night he did this. My boss has always liked my husband as they are both former Marines. My boss was able to talk my AP out of pressing charges as he wasn’t hurt badly outside of a split lip. So I want my husband to know it was a stupid thing to do but right now things are so stressful that I don’t want to push it.

My husband surprised me by saying he realizes that he needs counseling. He made sure to tell me he’s not doing it for me but for himself. Because he can’t go on living in a state either constant anger or constant sadness. He also admitted he’s been drinking far too much. I said that was good to hear.

Then he brought up his revenge affair. He said that he was sorry for doing it. That he knows it didn’t do him any good and was as damaging as my affair. I asked him what his plans moving forward are. He said he’s been in contact with an attorney and suggested I need to do the same. But he’s still not sure he wants to divorce. He said that he still loves me but he knows there’s a long way to go before he can trust me again.

He asked what I wanted and I told him that my own trust in him has been broken as well. I asked if he was still seeing this woman he hooked up with and he said no. He’s also willing to give me his phone, computer and tablet and let me go through them. That is if he can look through mine. I agreed to this so at some point in the future we will do this.

I asked him if he ever read the letter I wrote him back in January and he admitted that he tore it up and threw it away. So I suggested that I write it again and maybe he could write me one too. As a way to tell each other everything that went on in our affairs. Not that we necessarily have to read them but as an exercise to get everything out. He agreed to do this.

I asked if I could maybe see him this weekend as I do miss him terribly and I am really worried about him. He said he thinks it’s best if we go no contact except for one conversation a week for now. He said it’s still painful to see me and I get the feeling he’s also embarrassed by his actions as well. I told him that I love him and am willing to do whatever I can. He said he feels the same but also said that’s there’s no guarantee that this is going to work.

6 comments posted: Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Husband beat up my AP.

I knows this might happen because my husband has been threatening this since I admitted my affair to him. He immediately dug around and found out where my AP was living, his fiancée’s name, pretty much everything about him. After I let him read the texts between us he threw my iPad across the room and told me he was going to beat the guy’s face in.

Of course I immediately begged him not to do anything stupid and he responded that I was trying to protect my "boyfriend". He knows that referring to him as my boyfriend hurts me and he does it repeatedly.

A group of my coworkers planned a night out at a bar where we would occasionally hang out after work. For obvious reasons I didn’t go. But I forgot that my husband is Facebook friends with another coworker of mine. She had posted something about it on Facebook and he saw it. He went to the place thinking he was going to catch me there with the guy and ended up beating him up.

I feel with this type of self destructive behavior of his we will never ever be able to reconcile. After he got home last night he called me angry and basically ran through every insult he’s thrown my way since I admitted my affair to him. I just hung up the phone and haven’t even thought of calling him since.

3 comments posted: Sunday, April 10th, 2022

My story so far.

Hello all. I am a 30f who’s been married to me husband 33m for three years. Together for six years total. In December 2020/January 2021 I had an affair with a coworker. I will not make excuses or lay blame. What I did was wrong and I own it. I could have at any time made the decision to not carry on with the affair but I did it any way.

I know many who cheat will say the AP said and did all the right things and they were tricked into it or something. Yes my AP did all of those things but I knew what we were doing was wrong and I did it any way. It was the worst mistake of my life and I have regretted it ever since.

Dday was mid November of 2021. The guilt of what I had done tortured me for almost a year before in admitted to my husband what I had done. After I ended my affair I had resolved to be the best wife I could be and for most of 2021 I dedicated myself to my husband and our marriage. But the guilt was always there. To the point that I actually was having physical effects. I had shingles from stress and told my husband it was work related stress. He was so thoughtful and supportive about it and I just couldn’t lie to him anymore.

Needless to say he was devastated. He immediately cut me off, wouldn’t speak to me for a week and threw me out of our bedroom and told me to sleep in the guest room. After about a week and a half he finally let me have it and vented all his hurt and anger onto me. I will say he said some hurtful things to me but who can blame him? I told him that I was sorry, so sorry for what I had done and begged him for forgiveness.

We went on like this for a while. Him ignoring me and refused to even look at me. He’d spend his days at work and his evenings in the basement or out on the garage. Around Christmas he told me he wanted me out of the house, which I agreed to. He owned the house before we were even dating so I felt like he had the right to ask me to leave. However because of my dad being sick he agreed to keep up appearances until after the holidays for his sake.

Well on Christmas morning he told me he couldn’t spend the day with me and we’d better just spend it with our respective families. That evening he came home quite drunk and I told him if he was drinking he should have called me to come get him. We ended up having a huge argument and he broke down in tears. It was only the second time I’ve ever seen him cry. He called me a few choice names I won’t repeat. It hurt badly to hear this but I felt like his anger was justified.

We avoided each other for the next week and finally on New Years he told me that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He said on some days he hated me with all his heart and wanted to throw me out of the house. On other days he said he wanted to hug me and tell me that we can work this out.

I was trying to find a place to live all this while but it was very hard because of the current market where we live. He said he didn’t mind if I continued to stay. For the most part he was at least polite with me but that was about it. We talked about both of us getting counseling. I found a therapist but he never did.

My husband told me he’d found my AP’s fiancé on Facebook and was going to message her about what we had done. Which he went ahead and did. The woman contacted him and they spoke, then she contacted me and it was a very unpleasant conversation to say the least.

In February he matter of factory told me he was going to Las Vegas with his brothers for a week. He didn’t tell me this until a day before he left. I asked him if he was going out there to get revenge on me. He told me that he felt like what he did was no longer my business. When he came back he told me he didn’t do anything out there except gamble and go to a concert. He also said he still hasn’t told any of his family what’s going on between us.

My family knows what’s going on because I told my parents and my sisters. My parents are very disappointed in me. My sisters both are trying to be non judgmental but I can tell they don’t understand why I didn’t what I did.

I finally moved in with a friend last month and have been staying with her. My husband and I speak once a week. I’ve asked him about him getting therapy but he keeps telling me that he’s not the one who needs therapy, I am. I’m worried about him. I know that might not seem true but I am worried. I do still love him and I hate to see him hurting,

Now the bombshell from last weekend. I went to pick up a few things from the house and I spoke with my husband. He was avoiding eye contact with me the whole time. My heart sunk because I instinctively knew what had happed so I asked him. He was seeing someone wasn’t he? He admitted that the weekend before he had met up with a woman he knew through his job and they ended up having sex.

It felt like a gut punch. I knew this might happen. I know revenge affairs happen but I thought it wouldn’t happen. He was very upset and he apologized to me repeatedly. I asked him if he was going to see her again and he said no, he said he was so angry with me before but after he left her apartment he just felt sad and alone. I know it is hypocritical of me but I was so hurt by all this I just left and refused to speak to him.

So that’s where we are right now. I was hoping that we might be able to reconcile some day, but now I think it might truly be over. I don’t know if he even wants to reconcile, my own thoughts are all over the place right now. I’m ashamed of myself, and I know it’s hypocritical but I’m also angry at him. He said he was sorry and he did truly seem distraught but it hurt me so badly.

He texted me Thursday night to say he was off this whole weekend and could we talk. I still haven’t responded. I just feel so lost as to how to proceed right now.

5 comments posted: Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

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