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Newest Member: Stich

Divorce/Separation :
Denial

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 UnstuffedGiraffe (original poster member #74937) posted at 7:29 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

I have lost hope in reconciliation, my reality has been dismissed too many times. I need to trust my gut and get off this roller coaster. I agreed to go back to counseling with the purpose of ending things peacefully and making things as easy on the kids as possible. Unlike our 2 previous MC we have tried she’s stopped him from diverting the conversation and turning it into something completely different, it’s a nice change but, the’s still trying to change it into MC and thinks I’m giving up too soon. I’m hearing a lot of blame and not enough accountability. I’m in no way perfect not going to pretend I am but, um, when trying to convince me to stay is probably not the best time to bring that up.

It’s going to be at least a few months before I can do things like move out or pay a lawyer. He told me he’s going to be in the denial and bargaining phase until I leave. He’s demonstrating this quite well. It’s making it really hard to make plans and do what I need to do while he’s moping around and trying to convince me I still love him. Maybe I do still love him I definitely care and don’t wish him harm or anything but staying sure as hell isn’t good for my mental health.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 10:55 PM, Saturday, July 23rd]

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 231   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8746034
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 7:52 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Good for you for deciding to move on. You should consult with an attorney and possibly a financial planner before moving out of your home. That is one mistake betrayed wives often make- thinking they're the ones who have to move out. The housing market is rough for buyers (both prices and interest rates are high), so keeping the house would be in your long term financial best interest, and might be something you can negotiate in the divorce. Don't just impulsively move out because you want to be away from him, and then end up permanently spending a huge chunk of your income for rent or a big mortgage.

All of your financial negotiations should be worked out through your attorneys. Otherwise you're likely to lose ground via your lack of knowledge, being too emotional, being intimidated, and/or by giving your ex too much information about what you really want. Lawyers are necessary for divorce and they're certainly worth the money. Let them work the deal. Make sure you get what you need in terms of custody, too. Don't be a pushover.

You seem strong and in a good position to move on. A year from now, with the divorce behind you, things should be much better. You'll get there.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8746037
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Make your plans. Maybe limit discussions about it until you are closer to leaving.

He can be moping all he wants. But in some cases an affair kills the marriage and you have to decide what you want and/or need.

It’s hard to accept for the consequences. No one wants to be the bad guy. But you need to be honest. And while it may be hard to accept then I understand how he wants to just live in denial and hope you change your mind.

But you need to decide what is best for you.

And if leaving is best for you then you have to do so.

In the interim be it’s fi so but don’t end up in long conversations about your future. Avoid the stress and drama of that. Just go about your plans.

Get your support team around you and execute your plan.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12307   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8746048
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:00 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Moping to convince you that you love him? WTF? He doesn't get it- he should be trying to move the sun and the stars to show you how much he loves you and how he is changing to be a man worthy of your love.

Keep lining up your ducks. Create a space in your home for you — your own room or whatever you need to get a break and feel some peace.

(Also it doesn’t matter if you love him. Love is not enough. Respect, kindness, honesty, trust… you need all those things that he has not demonstrated. )

Keep doing what you need to do to get the life you want. You are obviously strong and smart. Hang in there.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8746052
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 UnstuffedGiraffe (original poster member #74937) posted at 10:52 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Moping to convince you that you love him? WTF?

I could have been more clear about that, I’m not sure moping around is actually part of his strategy but, it is definitely something he’s doing in addition to trying to convince me I’m making a mistake.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 231   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8746058
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 UnstuffedGiraffe (original poster member #74937) posted at 1:05 AM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Thanks, everyone this wasn’t an easy decision but the more I look at the whole of our relationship, the more I feel like it’s the only right thing to do. What we have is not a good example for our kids.

It blows my mind every time he says WE haven’t tried hard enough to give up, we didn’t "have a chance" because we didn’t have the right counselor. He doesn’t get to decide what I think is the best thing for my mental health. I do have some IRL support and have been in IC for about 1 1/2 years.

I’m starting a new job in a few weeks that will be closer to home, I will miss a lot of things about the old one but, in the long run it’s a better financial move. Hopefully I can start making more progress on lining up my ducks, they get distracted and wonder off.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 231   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8746068
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 10:17 AM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Whatever else moping around is, it is about him.

His pain.

His sadness.

His hurt.

His disappointment.

Even his regret.

As others have said, if he really wants to show remorse to you, he would focus on YOU and the marriage.

And, whatever you decide now, if he changes and you decide to rethink the situation, that’s fine, too.

Good luck to you.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7542   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8747008
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:34 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

he’s still trying to change it into MC and thinks I’m giving up too soon. I’m hearing a lot of blame and not enough accountability.

Let him think what he wants. Let him blame you and deny accountability. He gets to do what he wants... he's not your monkey, not your circus.

In contrast, you are accepting your situation well (let him use the word "blame" for this if he wants). It's undeniable, though, that you are being accountable. That is, he cheated and YOU decided to divorce. Great! You get to make your choices and there is nothing that he can do about that. As someone who waited far too long to divorce, I think that you should be proud of yourself for making your decision and for being accountable.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5295   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8747152
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