Damn it! Why do I let myself feel like that again?
Here is my context…
My husband (former wayward) left me for his AP on D-Day. We were separated three months when, out of the blue, he asked to return to work on living a different marriage with me.
Today, three years later, in R, I see that our separation is hitting me more emotionally, than the actual affair did because I remember how totally discarded and abandoned I felt. I realize now, that this is the source of my hurt that has not healed. My husband just left me. For her. Ran away into her home.
Whether he had stayed with me, or left me for her (as was the case), I would be hurt. But somehow the fact that he so eagerly threw away our 40 year marriage for her and for his happiness, hit me in the gut over and over again. Prior to his affair, we were not in a good place at all. We did not "love" one another any more. He drank heavily.
I think I gave up on him first, before his affair, but kept up our sham of a marriage, hoping that it would get better over time. Hoping that we would re-connect. Hoping for I don’t know what. I remained loyal to our marriage during this time. Meanwhile, he pursued his AP. Our marriage deteriorated even more over the 15 months of his secret affair. Then on D-Day, he cast me away, left me adrift, and alone to be with her. Exited our life.
We kept up civil conversations during our separation. I did not belittle his AP, though I so wanted to. I did not rage at him, though I so wanted to. I raged with my therapist and my good friends who supported me. Our asset split was fair.
So today, my husband has accepted a work project in a city which was a place he brought his AP to, while separated from me and living with her. Fair, we were separated. They did what they wanted to and I did what I wanted to.
My husband asked if I wished to go with him. I could see he was uncomfortable about asking me. Part of me wants to join him, another part of me wants to let him go alone. For other reasons, I do not want him to cancel this work project at all. Wanting to travel again trumped and I agreed to go. But…
Of course, he remembers what they did, where they were etc.etc. It’s to be expected. And we were separated. I understand that. But this city of work brought up memories of the hurts I was trying to manage during our separation. Shit!
And damn it all, and damn it all again…and again and again.
Thank you for listening to my story. Knowing that others here in this community understand what I am going through is a blessing.
And damn infidelity and exit affairs and separations !!!!!