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Reconciliation :
My reaction to my feelings are not cool!

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 Notaboringwife (original poster member #74302) posted at 4:18 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Damn it! Why do I let myself feel like that again?

Here is my context…

My husband (former wayward) left me for his AP on D-Day. We were separated three months when, out of the blue, he asked to return to work on living a different marriage with me.

Today, three years later, in R, I see that our separation is hitting me more emotionally, than the actual affair did because I remember how totally discarded and abandoned I felt. I realize now, that this is the source of my hurt that has not healed. My husband just left me. For her. Ran away into her home.

Whether he had stayed with me, or left me for her (as was the case), I would be hurt. But somehow the fact that he so eagerly threw away our 40 year marriage for her and for his happiness, hit me in the gut over and over again. Prior to his affair, we were not in a good place at all. We did not "love" one another any more. He drank heavily.

I think I gave up on him first, before his affair, but kept up our sham of a marriage, hoping that it would get better over time. Hoping that we would re-connect. Hoping for I don’t know what. I remained loyal to our marriage during this time. Meanwhile, he pursued his AP. Our marriage deteriorated even more over the 15 months of his secret affair. Then on D-Day, he cast me away, left me adrift, and alone to be with her. Exited our life.

We kept up civil conversations during our separation. I did not belittle his AP, though I so wanted to. I did not rage at him, though I so wanted to. I raged with my therapist and my good friends who supported me. Our asset split was fair.
*************
So today, my husband has accepted a work project in a city which was a place he brought his AP to, while separated from me and living with her. Fair, we were separated. They did what they wanted to and I did what I wanted to.

My husband asked if I wished to go with him. I could see he was uncomfortable about asking me. Part of me wants to join him, another part of me wants to let him go alone. For other reasons, I do not want him to cancel this work project at all. Wanting to travel again trumped and I agreed to go. But…

Of course, he remembers what they did, where they were etc.etc. It’s to be expected. And we were separated. I understand that. But this city of work brought up memories of the hurts I was trying to manage during our separation. Shit!

And damn it all, and damn it all again…and again and again.

Thank you for listening to my story. Knowing that others here in this community understand what I am going through is a blessing.

And damn infidelity and exit affairs and separations !!!!!

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8745890
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I'm sorry you are feeling this way again, both triggered and frustrated with yourself for feeling this way. I'm not sure the hurts will ever heal. I am feeling many of the things you are now too, triggered by a pending business trip and my cycling back through my unresolved hurts.

I don't have answers, just sympathies and understanding and a place to vent. I feel discarded by the false recovery, the continued trips and meeting with MOW while pretending to reconcile with me, and I wish we had separated so I could have a shred of separation between them and us. I'm three years past learning the truth of the false reconciliation and five years past first discovery. I couldn't be more disappointed in myself for failing to move forward in peace and happiness, other than for fleeting minutes. Almost everything reminds me of them and how easily cast aside I was for something I still don't understand. My H never planned to leave me and for the most part we had a great relationship during his A years, so I may be more confused but your hurt must run deeper. Scars take forever to heal and there's often long term nerve pain, that's how I try to frame this to cut myself some slack. I hope you cut yourself some too.

Maybe you have some unresolved hurts or a need for more resolution. I keep hoping my H will have some emotional evolution on this journey, but so far nothing. I had imagined we could talk about what happened, why and what it means moving forward. Not having the conversations weighs heavy on me, but he is just not emotionally capable or willing to go there with me. It's a lonely road. Some days I get caught up feeling like a fool for staying and trying to love a man who could risk throwing his marriage away for someone he now claims to not care about at all. If I could box that up and not think about it I would have done it years ago, but I didn't come with that skill. And now, his upcoming travel for business after two years of work from home threw me into a tailspin, because like yours, it is the same place he took her many times, and me too. Hell, I probably already slept in the same bed as them, since he travelled there monthly and often got the same room. I don't want to go, even though he has offered to help me not spiral, but I'm just not interested, and I have an old feeble dog to care for. But the thought of him going, even though I know he's not in contact and I have very little if anything to worry about, is causing me abnormal stress levels. That triggers feeling weak, and frustrated that I'm still in this place, and afraid this is what the rest of my life looks like.

Sometimes I think asking ourselves why we even have it in us to reconcile, why we try, even when it hurts so much, and asking what love is worth in this new relationship economy, are all fallout from the infidelity, and maybe there just aren't answers. More crappy collateral damage. Both of us appear to love selfish men who couldn't figure out what they wanted or commit fully to a relationship. My H tried to have both and did for almost a decade, and I resent being used for so long. I was his biggest fan before all this and now I just see a flawed person I don't know like I thought I did. I was really ill prepared for the long haul of recovery and how elusive reconciliation seems this far out.

I think the cruelest cut is that you and I both are mad for letting ourselves feel this way, for not having total control over our minds and our hearts. It helps me to remember that I was a very different creature before all this. I was confident, content, happy and for the first time in my life I was feeling like I was living my best life and handling everything life threw at me with grace and kindness. Now I just cry and stress a lot, and sleep poorly. I'm working on it, and I hope you are too.

Hopefully the benefits R bring to your life outweigh the crap you are feeling now. It is crap and it isn't fair and I wish you a break from negative self talk and feeling disposable. Damn it all indeed. Hope you stay strong and regain your footing on better ground.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8745905
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gainingclosure ( member #79667) posted at 6:41 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Hey Notaboringwife,

I just want to let you know you aren't alone in your feelings and triggers really hurt.

I just came back from a camping trip with my HS friends and we went to a place that was very close to where I had taken my WW on a romantic three day weekend at the peak of her affair (unbeknownst to me at the time, although I knew something was off). I still look at the photos from that trip, with her holding a bouquet of flowers I got for her, and of me holding her tightly knowing something was off. I don't understand my minds tendency to want to go back to that horrible time and relive it. I try to make sense of it, but cant. It's torture, but when I think of leaving my wife, it's so f'ing scary I usually just retreat back into the comfort of telling myself that it's over now, that she's with me again and that she is remorseful. But the recurring thoughts and those thoughts leading to sorrow and anger have been my main challenge for the past 9 months.

That feeling of being discarded, I had that. Most devastating feeling Ive ever had - worse than my Dad dying when I was 12, and I loved my Dad very much. Sometimes I think about stuff like would I rather have lost a limb instead of have my wife cheat on me like this, and seriously, its the limb that would go.

At least I hope that your H is a better husband now than he was pre A and I hope you find comfort and acceptance. We all got dealt a bad card with this.

D-Day: Sep 29, 2005Me: BH Her: fWW"The soul is dyed with the color of its thoughts" - Marcus Aurelius

posts: 74   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2021
id 8745920
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 Notaboringwife (original poster member #74302) posted at 8:42 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

whatisloveanyway,

I feel like I was peering into my own soul when I read your post smile

I know that I still hurt. And that no one can help me through it. Not my husband, not my therapist, not my friends. But knowing there are kind people like you, in the dark world infidelity, helps me help myself. If that makes any sense!


Thank you for sharing your unique story and encouraging me to regain my footing.

********
gainingclosure,

Oh yes that feeling of being discarded! Comes back to haunt me. I know it's in the past and there is nothing I can do to change the past. It is the deepest, strongest hurt of all for me.

My husband went NC with his new partner, he ceased the heavy drinking. It took him two years to deal with his own withdrawal demons. I can't speak on his behalf, but from his behaviours, he is making amends and atoning for his past horrid behaviours. So yes, he is definitely a "better" person.

Comfort and acceptance, thank you for that.

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8745935
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

And, when he came back, did you rage to him? Did you ever share you anger with him?

posts: 4495   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8745942
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 9:57 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

It is NOT cool...it just plain SUCKS crying .

It's all about perspective Dear Lady. I used to DREAM of being where you are right now...to be able to go where my H and the adultery co-conspirator went...to OWN those places. For ME...I learned that if I confronted the triggers...they dissipated smile . I had definitely PLANNED on going to that country again where my H had his A. Then life happened...and my H got laid off when the oilfield tanked. Over 8 years later...we still haven't been able to go there. I found out that the restaurant where they first met has since closed down...so even if one day I DO get to go back to that country...there are some places that I won't be able to OWN...or take back as others on here say.

But YOU can smile . Your limbic system...or lizard brain...is working well for you. It is warning you of danger because of the experience you had when your husband was there. But YOU have the power to get this experience to be to YOUR advantage smile .

One DEAR friend on here actually did this! She wrote a thread about how she had her H bring her to places where he and the adultery co-conspirator went. She even sat in the SAME seat as the adultery co-conspirator did in a certain place her WH brought her to. The result...She OWNED those places grin !! This wonderful lady is happily reconciled and doesn't post much on here anymore...but she often wrote about how doing this actually HELPED her to take back certain places smile .

It is hard to combat the limbic system...but what happened THEN is NOT happening NOW smile . Don't you DARE let the adultery co-conspirator's memory take any more from you!!! YOU are going to that city because your H ASKED for you to go...keep THAT memory going grin . Do you REALLY want any of the places where the adultery co-conspirator was with your H to be memories for HIM of HER???? OH HELL NO!!! YOU survived so much from this horrible trauma...and you WILL survive this too smile . OWN that city!!!

Having said all of that...hotel rooms were a HUGE trigger for me. NONE of them were rooms where my H was with the adultery co-conspirator...but it still triggered me very badly EVERY TIME we had to stay in a hotel. I tried for several years to OWN them...but nothing seemed to work sad .

One day I remembered my H telling me that one of the "rules" he and the adultery co-conspirator discussed was that EVERY TIME she came to his hotel room...they WOULD have sex. THAT hit a nerve with me. So I told my H that EVERY TIME we were in a hotel room...WE would be having sex. My H eagerly agreed to that laugh . Surprisingly...THIS worked for me to OWN the hotel room grin .

I do understand how triggers can make you feel like NOT doing something...except wanting to curl up in a ball (((HUGS))). You may not be ready to combat all of these triggers at this point either...and that is perfectly ALRIGHT smile . Do you think that you could maybe try to take back a small trigger...to see how it feels? I tell you...it is AWESOME when a trigger no longer controls me smile . I pray that none of these triggers will control you as well!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8745952
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:20 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Why did he come back? Did you ever tell him how you actually felt when he left or have you kept it bottled inside this whole time?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 844   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8745980
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 Notaboringwife (original poster member #74302) posted at 1:18 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

HellFire and BluerThanBlue,

There are a few ways to look at this "why did he come back" yeah? Again, I cannot speak for his deepest thoughts..but from what he told me and wrote me before we reunited was this: he was seeing and living the differences of his life with his AP and his life with me. Maybe call it comparing, but it was not quite that. He got lonely, he missed me. He missed the familiarity of our 40+years together. He saw how difficult she was about his visits to our grandchildren. He saw how difficult she became when he came to see me during our separation to deal with asset split up.
He missed us as a team. He was failing to reduce his heavy alcohol intake with her and realized that she was an enabler as she herself was a very heavy drinker and would pass out after supper for example. He wanted an environment safe for him to start reducing his drinking. And that was me. I drink very little. But it was mostly all about him though right?

And with seeing this, I took him back. I had my reasons for having him in my life. I don't want to share those reasons here. And of course, there were boundaries. He accepted and lived within those boundaries.


I kept nothing bottled up. For the first two years in R, I let out the rage, anger, hurts, disappointments, the feelings of abandonment at different moments in time in front of him or sitting next to him. I had one huge meltdown that I can remember. In time, the emotions grew less intense, and our conversations took a turn in the direction of understanding what the hell had happened to us. He stayed with me. He did not run away. He took it all in. At first with defensiveness then later in time with acceptance. I asked many questions, I needed details. I discovered all the places they had been to together...he travelled lots on business, and he took her with him. He was gone for weeks at a time. I hardly saw him at home. The extent of this deception was at first unbelievable to me. But it was real.

However, it was his exit from my life that hurt the most. The rejection and being discarded. Couple that with the place he's asking me to go to with him today, brought back this very deep hurt.

Thanks for your questions and I hope I've been able to answer them.

Want2BHappyAgain,

I truly do understand what you are saying. Just travelling with him is a trigger, and today it's quite manageable. Just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. One that I can wash away. smile

I have "owned" the places we went to in our R. Places he'd brought his then AP to. We also traveled a bit to new destinations. I have good memories of those trips.

What is galling to me was my gut reaction to the place I know they travelled to as a new couple, once my husband abandoned me to live with her. Just hit me.


YOU are going to that city because your H ASKED for you to go...keep THAT memory going grin .

This is going to help. My husband asked me. And I want to go. I really do. I guess I'll just have to pack more mouthwash for any residual bad taste in my mouth. laugh

Your words are strong. Thank you!

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8746004
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:00 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

This is going to help. My husband asked me. And I want to go. I really do. I guess I'll just have to pack more mouthwash for any residual bad taste in my mouth.

This was very hard at first but got easier each time. Owning the triggers is IMO the only way through them. My WW ruined the 4th of July weekend 3 years ago with her AP. The first year I didn’t want to do anything but be by myself. We ended up spending it with good friends. The next two 4ths we went all out and made great memories. You know what? I can’t wait for next year’s 4th.

I remember how totally discarded and abandoned I felt.

Remember he left you were you were, he’s the one that dug through the trash looking for something better, of course he didn’t find it.

[This message edited by Tanner at 5:09 PM, Saturday, July 23rd]

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8746022
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 Notaboringwife (original poster member #74302) posted at 6:57 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Hi Tanner,

The next two 4ths we went all out and made great memories. You know what? I can’t wait for next year’s 4th.

That is so encouraging and uplifting! Thanks.

I am planning where I want to go. Rain or shine. I have already chosen some sightseeing areas in and away from this particular city. I will really do my best to own these triggers.

When he left me Tanner, he was convinced that his AP's home is where he wanted to be. In the weeks that followed, he told his family members and anyone else who would listen to him, exactly the same thing.

You are so correct, he did not find anything better in that trash of a house. Only more trash! laugh

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8746030
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:55 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

You are so correct, he did not find anything better in that trash of a house. Only more trash!

This is why I don’t even think of the AP anymore. She walked away from a good and faithful man to find a man that would be willing to sleep with a M woman? He’s no comparison to me. If she ever wants to chase rats in the dump again, I won’t stop her, it’s her loss.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8746039
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:59 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Duplicate

[This message edited by Tanner at 8:00 PM, Saturday, July 23rd]

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8746040
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ShockedAndShattered ( member #79685) posted at 9:16 PM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Wow Whatisloveanyway!

I was confident, content, happy and for the first time in my life I was feeling like I was living my best life and handling everything life threw at me with grace and kindness. Now I just cry and stress a lot, and sleep poorly. I'm working on it, and I hope you are too.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Sitting at my desk sobbing. I feel the exact same way. I can barely remember the kind of happy I was before all this.

Notaboringwife,
I am so sorry that you have to feel this way too.

I wish you both peace and I'm sending virtual hugs to you both.

BS(me):42 WH:43
DDay 1- 9/11/21 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/21 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/21 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TT
DDay 4- 4/11/22 Conf PA w/1 EA
DDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed Poly
DDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

posts: 51   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8749938
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