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Divorce/Separation :
Moving away from uncomfortable memories

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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 7:50 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

My son and I are moving away and selling the house I shared with my STBXW. She never ceases to surprise me with how disconnected she is from my family and sons. She recently took a trip to the Midwest with her loser boyfriend to see his family and posted on Facebook about how fun it was going to about a dozen distilleries. I like beer but I swear her only interests now are drinking. She also posted about bourbon and late night conversations with the AP and his mom who she just met. I’ll be living in another state soon with both of our sons and she seems not to care. It’s very sad. I also heard from a friend who ran into her and her boyfriend along with a mutual friend and I heard they were celebrating a one year anniversary this month. It annoys me because she served me divorce papers last September and insisted she didn’t start seeing the guy until September. Of course I knew she was lying but she slipped and admitted it in front of my friend then tried to backpedal. I’ve come a long way actually. I was so sad and thought for twenty years we had this great friendship in our marriage. Her choice to be with this guy who left his kids across the country baffles me. She seems disconnected from her own kids too. She’s so superficial. She will have lunch with our sixteen year old and I’ll hear her say "love you buddy" on the phone, but I think actions speak louder than words. I’m done trying to make sense of what happened to change her. She has some issues and I don’t think she’ll ever self reflect and consider how to better herself and have a stronger relationship with our kids. She just fills her life with trips, wineries, distilleries, and breweries and tries to convince several new friends how wonderful she is and how fun she is. She’s not acting responsibly financially or emotionally with her kids. Good riddance to her and the rough times she has caused my family. This area is nice in many ways but to make a fresh start I think it’s best to move away and forget the past that includes her. I’m lucky to have two great kids from her but she’s a totally different person than I thought I loved. I don’t know if she was ever as good as I believed and became this person or if she was always selfish and shallow. I was wrong and I guess it doesn’t matter anymore to try to figure her out or why she makes these choices.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 8:07 AM, Friday, July 22nd]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8745784
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:45 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

You've posted a lot over the past few months about what your ex is doing. It's been recommended for you to go no contact, stop seeing her in person, stop talking to her on the phone, block her on social media and quit following her on social media, drop mutual friends, and only communicate the bare minimum via email that is needed for coparenting your 15 year-old. You have consistently resisted that recommendation. Not coincidentally, you haven't been able to move on and are still very preoccupied with her.

No contact works. It helps you to stop focusing on your ex, stop having your emotions go up and down because of her, stop thinking about her and loving her. You need to do this for your own mental health and the good of your sons. No more excuses.

I don't know your ex, obviously, but it's clear from your posts that she's a loser partner and parent. This is NOT just a "mid-life crisis". Being middle aged doesn't destroy your personality and morality. She was never the person who you saw her as.

This of course has been traumatic for you, but gently, it is time to move on. It sounds like you're starting to do that. You need to apply no contact and in particular stop following her on social media. Let go.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:59 PM, Friday, July 22nd]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8745834
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Gonna echo the NC . You know she’s a liar and a cheater. And you are moving on. Anything else you learn is just extra and picks at the wound.

Leaving will be hard but also exciting. Focus on that. Nc equals no new hurts!

Best of luck!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8745868
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Thanks Bearly and Morning. I really am appreciative of your advice and don’t mean to make it look like I’ve ignored it. I honestly have found myself laughing more and feeling generally better and am not friends with my ex on Facebook. I’m seeing posts lately because she tags family and friends who I didn’t unfriend so I see her posts. I am mostly no contact. She texts about money and certain things with our son and I quit my texts which get into her lying to me mostly, though have now and then. This was a knock to my ego and self esteem, but I know you’re totally right and it’s way past time to move on. It’s easier said than done for me. Sorry I sometimes sound like a broken record. I aware of how ridiculous this all sounds. Better days are ahead for me and my sons. I believe it completely. One more thing I forgot to mention that I’m happy about, my friend broke up with his girlfriend of four years, who was close to her and was really hard to be around and her about her life. I’m not happy that their relationship ended but if they are ok it is some weight off my chest. It was a bummer for sure hanging out with the two of them and always hearing details about her, often unsolicited. Thanks again.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 4:17 PM, Friday, July 22nd]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8745885
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:52 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Hey LH-

It is NOT way past time. This stuff takes SO MUCH TIME to get through. And like any grief, it takes as long as it takes.
But we can (and need to) reroute our thoughts to prevent rumination and getting stuck and feeling triggered. And that takes practice.
I’m years out, haven’t seen my XWS for years, and only have to deal with him a couple times a year regarding some real estate we still own, and I still feel those pangs. Random memories of things he said/did still pop up. But now I can accept the thought, acknowledge it, and then move on from it without that hangover feeling. You will get there too.

Don’t beat yourself up. Accept that it happens and it takes time, and do what you can to reduce your exposure to her and her lying life.

Your future will be bright- even if you are leaving the area (assuming you are in the same area as me).

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8745902
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Hey LH

I too noticed that your post was mostly about what she was doing and less about how you are coping.

A mantra to keep in mind is this:
Your happiness is not dependent on her unhappiness.

Based on what you share and how you describe her then the odds are that 5 years from now she might be alone, still no relationship with her kids and maybe starting her nth relationship with some loser.
Or…
She could still be with this OM, happy as a bee in a florist, reestablished her relationships with the kids and whatever.

Either way – it doesn’t matter.

What matters is where YOU are. I hope you seek and find happiness.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8745912
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:38 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

I know you’re totally right and it’s way past time to move on. It’s easier said than done for me. Sorry I sometimes sound like a broken record. I aware of how ridiculous this all sounds.

It isn't ridiculous at all. You are a loving human who bonded, and it's difficult to unbond. That's easier said than done for everyone, but it does happen when you get really firm about no contact. I advise that not because of some abstract idea about what I think you "should" be doing, but because I and many others know from experience that it's the surest path out of pain. Dropping mutual friends, and even staying off social media altogether for awhile, can help with this process.

[This message edited by morningglory at 12:40 PM, Saturday, July 23rd]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8746002
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Knitaknee ( new member #71772) posted at 7:51 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

A lot of the references to your STBXWW seem to revolve around trying to figure out was she always this way and you didn't see it? Or did she just change? And it's hard to let it go until you can figure out the answer.

I can relate. My WW prided herself that she never touched alcohol. Didn't drink at HS parties and never drank while we dated and while married. Hell, on one of our earlier dates to a Halloween party I had 2 beers and she was PISSED! she learned that while I like beer, I can have a few and be responsible. Know who she cheated with in year 20 of our M? A fuckin drunk who had a 6 pack in his van for after work, a kegorator in his house along with various liquor bottles and a box of wine in the fridge! One of her notes I found on her phone was to "tolerate his drunkenness". Still trying to figure that one out. Now she will drink wine or mixed drinks occasionally.

You may be like me in that a problem has to be solved before you can let it rest. Sort of like me trying to figure out why the car won't start since September. Each failed solution I try I swear I'm going to send it to the mechanic, only to try something else to see if that works.

Eventually,in your own time, you will tire of trying to figure her out and let it go.

One more possible fix on the car today. If that doesn't work I swear I'll either blow the car up or send it to a mechanic THIS TIME. duh

posts: 40   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Alabama
id 8746036
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 6:49 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling more optimistic about the situation. She can do what she does and it’s no longer my problem.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8747046
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Bingo ( member #72835) posted at 1:45 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Dear Lonely,

I read your post and I felt all your pain. I have been divorced almost 3 years and I know how hard it is to stop caring. Just yesterday, I finally deleted my ex from my contact list and blocked his number. I also blocked both him and his AP (who now live together) on Facebook.

I was still looking at their Facebook pages just to feel connected. I couldn't/didn't want to lose a connection with my ex of 21 years. But, it was just keeping me in a place that wasn't good for me. And it just kept them in my thoughts which was really starting to piss me off!

So yesterday, I found the courage to finally pull the plug on their presence in my life. But, Lonely, it was hard, just as I know it is for you. But all the advice you've been given is right on target and I'm sure you know that.

Just know that all of us understand what you're going through and please be kind to yourself, babe! This shit ain't easy but hopefully we'll come out on the other side and smile again...

posts: 135   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8747092
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 6:58 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Thank you Bingo! I’m sorry you went through it too. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better about it now. Yes it is a hard thing to try to make sense of. I cared a lot and thought she did too but she took a turn I didn’t expect and didn’t question it. That’s been confusing for me but I know my relationship with the kids and working on myself are the important things. I appreciate it. Thanks again!

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8747117
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