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Wayward Side :
What do you do when you don’t remember?


 TryingToFixWhatIBroke (original poster new member #80391) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Hi- so while it’s true that TT started after D-Day, I have been honest with BH since I realized how harmful the TT was.

I do run into issues with remembering specific details. For instance, around midnight (the night in the hotel) I searched for a liquor store that was open… I remember that and I remember wanting to walk, but it was windy and the only ones open were kind of far away. I don’t remember the exact reason we didn’t go get more alcohol. I know I didn’t want to be in the car with AP, but I don’t remember the exact reason we didn’t go or why one of the us didn’t.

I also don’t remember searching for a liquor store at 2 am. I’m fairly certain that’s the time I went to bed, but my search history says differently. I absolutely don’t remember this. It’s not that my memory of it is fuzzy, my memory of it is non existent.

I’m feeling stuck with some of the details my BH wants because I don’t want him to feel like I’m hiding anything, but I also don’t want to make something up just so he’ll believe me.

Am I the only one who doesn’t remember details?

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8744245

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Memory issues are a hot topic on SI, and in post D-day conversations in general. If you go into the other forums, you'll find that there is an "unofficial rule" about memory, which is this, "If a WS says they don't remember, they are lying". Of course, that's not always true, and I can honestly say that there are still things about the affair that I simply cannot remember. That being said however, SO MANY WS's LIE about their affair and their ability to remember that it makes it impossible for anyone to believe even when it is the truth. I say this up front, because the answer may be, "If you can't prove it, then the BS has no choice other than to believe it's a lie".

You've already done some of what I recommend. When I was working on my timeline, I had to go back and use whatever history I had left. Sometimes that was my browser history, other times, I was able to use to track where I was and when. Sometimes, non-related stuff helped. For example, I might remember that we went to a particular place the night before something was due at work, and so I was able to look at my work calendar, see what that thing was due, and that way, get a clue as to when things occurred.

Some people have reported using hypnotism to help remember stuck things. Your mileage may vary.

If you really can't remember, some people have had their BS ask for a polygraph. Would you be open to that?

Try sitting down with a pen and paper, and just start writing the events of that night, with every detail you CAN remember. When did you make the plans? Where did you go? When did you get there? What did the room look like? How did you greet each other? What did you bring? Just keep going through details and sometimes, something will trigger a memory for you.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1300   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8744267

Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

This is something I struggle with, and as a result so does BS.

1) I lied so much over the last 20+ years that I'm often believing the lies rather than the truth. The simple rule BS has used in the past is that if it does not make sense, then it's a lie. A made up example might be that you felt guilty and wanted to ent the affair when you were with AP. You intended to come home and end the affair and be with your BS. You know this is what you felt. HOWEVER...... You say this felt wrong, you then had sex with your AP, you continued texting and phoning after you returned to BS and even arranged another evening together before d-day actually happened. You cling onto the "I was coming home to you" lie, because you convinced yourself this was true. So much so, that when you're doing your time line you don't even question this....because it's true...Isn't it?!? NO! My point is, write a time line, read it, and then REALLY QUESTION it. ask yourself, what have I minimised, what have I lied about?

2) To your point, not remembering is a BIG point of contention in any attempts at R. You have search history, you have text history, you have credit card history etc etc etc. This gives you and Idea, it gives BS an idea. Maybe, if you TRYELY can't remember (see above) then you might have to adopt a worst case scenario, based on the evidence you have, and then IF something comes to light later down the road, you MAY have the opportunity to lessen the damage caused. I guess it really depends on what you're now confessing. For example, you may be telling BS that you were with AP from 22:00 to 05:00 based on the drinks bill from the bar and a time you remember not being with him. You think you left earlier....but can't remember. In the grand scheme of things, the fact you were with AP is a more important fact than the time you left. Let's say you remember an can prove you got a taxi from the bar at 02:00. This MAY be of some benefit. Of course this does not work if you say you slept with AP once and then a few months later you "remember" it was actually ten times. Also, your past record on lies and TT will impact this.

3) What are you trying to remember? Big or little points? Does BS care about some of the finer points? Spending too much time focused on the wrong thing is detrimental. It goes without saying, it's the BS who gets the say on what is or is not important. Seriously, take a lesson from me, working on what is needed by BS is worth ten time more than working on things you think you need to do.

4) Relax when writing time line (its hard) think clearly and gather your own evidence. Memory is a real shit when it comes to infidelity. You minimise, deny and lie. You don't like looking like the bad person, you hate the feeling that you've utterly destroyed your marriage and your BS. Getting past this and actually remembering and being honest with yourself is painfully difficult.

I'm not saying you're lying or even living with a "tinted" memory. What I am saying is I did! Hey, I'm working through my timeline again to look for minimising and I'm finding shit!! Other WS on here will tell you the same. Things that they KNOW either happened or din not happen, turn out to be untrue. This only becomes obvious once you start to REALLY DEEP DIVE into your memory.

Good luck

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 209   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8744274

BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

There's a lot that I forgot, but there were almost three decades of rugsweeping between D-Days 1 & 2. Even BH was surprised by what he forgot in that time frame. Of course, I also worked hard to forget. I employed a sort of "tree falls in the woods" logic: If I didn't remember certain details, how could I be sure they even happened? If no one remembers an event, and there's no physical evidence, does it cease to exist? I was a very opportunistic philosopher.

That being said, if I had told BH that I couldn't remember the one night that OM and I spent in a hotel room just months after it happened, he would not have believed me. Especially if the things I did remember were implausibly non-incriminating.


posts: 2835   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8744306

 TryingToFixWhatIBroke (original poster new member #80391) posted at 4:37 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

His question is literally "why did you look up a liquor store at 2am"… I remember looking for one at midnight, but do not recall looking one up at 2, but it’s in my search history, so I obviously did. He does not believe that I don’t remember.

As for a polygraph, I’m totally open to that, however BS does not believe they are accurate and does not feel he can rely on the outcome.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8744368

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Is it possible that your AP used your phone?
Perhaps you accidently clicked on an ad that took you to a liquor store?
Is there an actual "Search" for liquor stores (e.g. Liquor stores near me)? How was it worded?
It just seems like an odd thing to focus on... what is the greater meaning behind this?

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1300   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8744389

doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Am I the only one who doesn’t remember details?

One time my BS asked "what were you wearing that day?". I've been wearing a shirt & pants to go to work everyday for the last 30 years, how can I recall exactly which shirt or pants I was wearing on a specific day 3 years ago, but BS insisted that I was not being honest because I said I can't remember.

[This message edited by doninvaun at 8:34 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

posts: 64   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8744558

forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Don't make stuff up - honesty is the most important thing you need to practice. If you don't remember, then say you don't remember. You can try to dig things up here and there but if he doesn't believe you, there's really nothing much you can do and the more you'll protest the harder it'll go.

Eventually if your partner wants to reconcile and rebuild he'll have to decide to listen and believe you (also at first lots of trust but verify). It's not fair, but then again, very few things in life are.

posts: 301   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8744568
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