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TryingToFixWhatIBroke

Feeling lost and alone

H is having a hard day, which means he’s lashing out at me and saying some really fucked up shit (talking about having a revenge A and worse). We’re in R, but today definitely doesn’t feel like it. After a great week and weekend, he’s just spiraled, which makes the lashing out that much harder.

I know all of this is a consequence to my actions… I will take on whatever comes my way to save my marriage and stayed married to this man, I love him so much. Today is just really really hard and I’m having a hard time seeing my worth. I’m not suicidal, but driving my car off a cliff sounds rather comforting.

I know I’ve hurt him to the core and I deserve all this, but it gets really hard. I’m afraid to argue with him. When he’s lashing out I’m worried to even tell him to stop. Not because I’m scared of him or anything, but because I’m afraid to take any steps back.

I’m feeling lost and hopeless. I have no one to talk to about this other than my therapist and my H. I don’t know why I’m posting this, I should probably keep a journal instead.

Any tips on how to keep your head up during these times? I just don’t want to make anything worse for H, he’s been through so much.

2 comments posted: Monday, August 1st, 2022

What do you do when you don’t remember?

Hi- so while it’s true that TT started after D-Day, I have been honest with BH since I realized how harmful the TT was.

I do run into issues with remembering specific details. For instance, around midnight (the night in the hotel) I searched for a liquor store that was open… I remember that and I remember wanting to walk, but it was windy and the only ones open were kind of far away. I don’t remember the exact reason we didn’t go get more alcohol. I know I didn’t want to be in the car with AP, but I don’t remember the exact reason we didn’t go or why one of the us didn’t.

I also don’t remember searching for a liquor store at 2 am. I’m fairly certain that’s the time I went to bed, but my search history says differently. I absolutely don’t remember this. It’s not that my memory of it is fuzzy, my memory of it is non existent.

I’m feeling stuck with some of the details my BH wants because I don’t want him to feel like I’m hiding anything, but I also don’t want to make something up just so he’ll believe me.

Am I the only one who doesn’t remember details?

7 comments posted: Monday, July 11th, 2022

My BS wants to confront my AP

Hi- my BS wants to fly across the country to confront my AP. I don’t want him to. I don’t care what happens to the AP. He’s a creep and deserves whatever happens. I don’t want my BS to do anything that he’d regret or could potentially get him in trouble.

My question is, do I have the right to ask him to not go? He feels like he needs this to help heal. He tried to get in a touch with him a number of times and my AP refused to respond. My BS ended up sending a FedEx letter to my APs wife to let her know about the A.

We are working on R and I told him I will support him in anything he feels will help him heal. I just don’t feel like this is something that would be a positive thing.

9 comments posted: Friday, July 8th, 2022

I’m losing him and I don’t know how to stop it

Background

Me: WS 42 F

Him: BS 43 M

D-Day 10/12/2021

Affair(s) 7/2014, 9/2022 and 10/2022

Hi- this is my first time posting and even starting to write this I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness. I’m lost and confused, I don’t know how I ended up where I am. Please bare with me if this post goes all over the place, I’ve never written this out before.

In July of 2014 I had an online affair with an old coworker… no emotions, all pics and videos.

November 2020, H found about it. He left for days, came home and made me submit to him, while he recorded it. He said after that, he’d forget about the affair.

He did not, he baca me so angry and so mean. I had a hard time understanding his emotions. It had been 6.5 years and it meant nothing to me. I understand this mindset was wrong, but I can’t take it back.

We had 2 kids between the time the affair ended and the time he found out, things had been amazing.

I hated him for the way he was treating me and I used that anger to shift any blame off myself.

That’s when affair #2 started to develop, also online, this time it was not sexual, but emotional. It was someone who listened and genuinely seemed to care about me when I didn’t feel like H did. We met in an online game and I looked forward to talking to him. We both realized we couldn’t realistically be together and the affair started to fizzle our.

Bring on #3… also from the same game, conversation was easy and he was very flirty. It made me feel good. We planned to meet and did. He was not what I expected and we never did anything physical, not even a kiss, but he did stay on the couch of my hotel room. Maybe had he been what I visualized in my head, things would have happened, but I don’t know that’s true. I remember sitting in the hotel room wishing I was home… I should have left.

H found about A2 on 10/12 and A3 shortly after. He was going through all my messages on every platform and even obtained deleted messages.

We’ve been back and forth since, but he told me this week that I’m not trying hard enough and he’s done. I’m crushed. He’s so distant and kind of cold, but polite. He doesn’t want to be touched. He said he’d like to stay married for the kids. I told him I want to stay married for us and he responded to that with a look of disgust.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my husband, but he seems so miserable with me. Is it fair for me to fight for something he doesn’t want? That he’s expressed he doesn’t want?

I don’t really know what I plan on getting out of this post. Maybe I just needed to tell my story.

9 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022

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