Hi, Trying. Welcome to SI from a fellow "found out years later" WW.
November 2020, H found about it. He left for days, came home and made me submit to him, while he recorded it. He said after that, he’d forget about the affair. He did not, he became so angry and so mean.
What do you mean by "submit to him?" I'm not looking for graphic details, just the big picture. Some kinds of submission (painfully comprehensive honesty, loss of privacy, acknowledging fault, listening and validating the BS's grief and anger) are considered necessary and appropriate for R, even though they're hard to provide. Other demands, especially physical/sexual ones, are more controversial, and some cross over into abuse.
I will say, without knowing what he asked you to do, that many BS look for some kind of magic bullet that will help them to put the affair in the past. It hurts so much that they try to follow any path out of their pain. He may have believed the promise when he made it and then discovered that the well of grief and anger just kept refilling as fast as it drained. My BH thought he could rugsweep, but the pain surged back in waves for decades until he finally addressed it.
I had a hard time understanding his emotions. It had been 6.5 years and it meant nothing to me.
If it was meaningless, why did you do it? I don't mean that sarcastically or hypothetically. There was something that made betrayal worthwhile. Have you figured out that motivation?
As far as his emotions, one of the concepts we press pretty hard here is agency -- the right of every person to know the reality of their relationship and to make decisions based on that knowledge. WS are terrible at understanding the value of agency. What we value is control. Somewhere inside ourselves, we know this is wrong, and so we tell ourselves an assortment of lies to justify why controlling another person is appropriate. These lies may include:
1. They're better off not knowing the truth. We tell ourselves that it would only hurt them to learn of the infidelity. This variant is sometimes employed when the affair is still ongoing ("my cheating has nothing to do with my home life, and no one will get hurt as long as no one finds out"). Other times, the affair ended organically, and the WS rationalizes that it would be pointless to rock the boat when the past can't be changed.
2. They already know what they need to know. Most WS minimize their offenses, claiming the A was virtual when it was physical, or admitting to kissing when it was actually a blow job. In my case, I voluntarily confessed my affair, and even led with the critical points of penetrative sex and "I love yous." However, having informed my BH of that, I decided unilaterally that he didn't need to know the full extent of my sexual and romantic involvement. I told myself that the many nights OM and I spent together were just more of the same things I already disclosed and therefore irrelevant to the decision BH had to make. Of course, if they were truly irrelevant, there would have been no reason to keep them secret. I knew, but refused to admit, that those "details" would change his entire understanding of the nature of the affair.
3. They don't deserve to know. This is the "resentment creates entitlement" model, where some offense on the part of the BS -- real or imagined -- is used to justify both the affair and the coverup.
4. I'm protecting someone else with my lies. Usually (and ironically), it's the wayward's kids who are the alleged beneficiaries of this deception. The rationale goes that the WS would prefer to get an honest divorce but can't because they don't want to break up their family. The affair is just a tool to cope with the dead bedroom or the neglect or the criticism, allowing the WS to stick it out until the kids leave the nest. Another version of this is the "knight in shining armor" (KISA) who only started an affair to help the poor AP, who was abandoned, abused or otherwise in desperate need of the WS's help. In that scenario, the BS is so safe and lucky in their marriage to the WS that surely it's only fair that they share the crumbs of their good fortune.
All of these are bullshit, and we in this forum know it better than anyone, because we were all accomplished bullshit artists. There's no better place than the Wayward Side to explore how and why you ended up in this mess and to build a life where you're free of deception, both of other people and of yourself. It's hard to learn, because for so long, lies and control have been your only armor against the things that terrify you. But trust us: you can do it, and you have no idea how good authenticity feels.
We had 2 kids between the time the affair ended and the time he found out, things had been amazing.
That's the thing, though: it only looked amazing to him because he didn't know the truth, and now that he does know, it's too late. It is unfixable. Had you been honest with him, he might have chosen to end your marriage before you were bound together by children. Now that you share those kids, you're a permanent fixture in his life. Even if he leaves you, anyone else he marries will become a stepparent in a blended family. You cannot change that, can't rewind the clock and give him the power to choose a different future.
This was true of me, too. Even if my BH had left me on D-Day 2 (no new affair, but more disclosures), he would be in his 80s before any new relationship would equal the number of years he had spent with me. He's not going to start a new family with someone 20 years younger; that's not who he is, and even if he did, I'd still be entwined in every memory of his youth. I stole that formative time from him. It took him years to forgive it. Some BS never can; some -- and this is perfectly legitimate -- never even try.
I can promise that if you do the work, you can be healthier, happier, and a better future partner. It may not be with your husband; after three affairs, that ship may have sailed. Maybe he'll leave you, or maybe you'll determine that staying isn't wise for you, either. But whatever road you choose, we can help make it one of integrity.
