Beagle (original poster member #79560) posted at 1:45 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022
Well I asked for a divorce on April 23. We med with a mediator in early May. The papers were e filed on the in early June and the divorce was finalized on June 10th. I compromised a lot but to me it was worth it for my peace of mind. I got half the equity, joint 50/50 legal and physical custody and she bought out my equity in the home. No alimony and no child support either way. The agreement states I have up to 6 months to move out of the house in order for me to be able to find suitable housing. I just pay half the bills. I moved in to the finished basement and for now I am sleeping on an air mattress. At 47 years old I never thought I would be sleeping in a basement on an air mattress but I am. And to be honest it feels good. I have a tv and full bath down here. It could be worse.
My 4 year old leaves teddy bears down here everyday for me because he doesn’t want me to be alone. My kids seem to be even more attached to me as they know I will eventually be moving. I reassured them and let them know that they will see me almost as much as they do now and that our time together will be extra special.
For me this was the best decision. If you read through my history I was married to a serial cheater. To be honest I think she’s a covert narc. But at this point I’m not worried about her anymore.
I wanted to really thank this forum for all of the solid advice. I read through so many posts and read so many books. I would like to thank most especially chamomile tea. The advice and wisdom I received from you was excellent. By profession I am a psychotherapist and wonder if you are as well.
For those that are in the thick of it the only advice I can give you is to trust your gut. I’m on the other side now in a way and although it’s a challenge and some times a struggle I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to life. I look forward to spending time with just my kids and I and not my ww. I look forward to a bright future because I will make it that way. I will be my own light. I really never understood and could fathom how poorly I was treated until I was out of it. Until I broke the trauma bond connection. I hope you can to.
Be well SI. I will continue to read posts on here and maybe chime in once in a while. And remember, it’s ok to not br in a relationship. It’s ok to be single.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:52 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022
Congratulations on moving forward. It’s a rough journey and you’ve done well. Best of luck in your next chapter.
Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:36 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022
I really never understood and could fathom how poorly I was treated until I was out of it. Until I broke the trauma bond connection.
This is absolutely true. That's one of the functions of SI, to help people actually see the relationship they are in. They come here in pain, but can't actually see their situation.
I'm so glad you're getting out. You have a great attitude and great kids. I'm sure you're going to have a wonderful life post-divorce!
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022
Bittersweet congratulations to you, Beagle. What you did was hard and I can't overstate that. It requires true trust in yourself to measure your circumstances, overcome paralysis, choose a new course, and then stay on it in the face of self doubt and pressure from others. And all this at a time when most of us are naturally distrustful of everyone and everything, and in particular, our own judgment because it failed us when we missed the failings in our mate.
Never second guess this decision. Go back and read your own posts again. You had an absolute right to expect fidelity in your marriage, and from the moment your exWW decided to cheat, you no longer owed her any continuation. Cheaters KNOW what's at stake. They sometimes act surprised, but they know. Further, your WW never stopped blame-shifting. She made mouth noises about taking responsibility, but then continued to blame YOU for her choice to cheat as if it were a legitimate response to whatever complaints she had. She'll probably grow old and die with that same childish mindset equating her own moral failings to whatever the circumstances of the day might be. The good news is that shouldering the burden and dealing with the fallout of that particular hot mess will no longer fall to you. And if you teach your children to respect themselves and set good boundaries with others, it won't be on them either.
Very happy for you .. and no, not a professional. My only instruction has been from the school of hard knocks. lol
I hope you'll stick around and bring some of your good example to others on how to rebuild self-trust after betrayal. It's a common theme, to feel stuck like you felt stuck. In real life, the WS is not an abstract. She's not a set of data points. She's a living, breathing, someone you love/loved person, so when she's arguing her POV, it sounds confusingly legitimate. It takes stepping back and utilizing a clinical view to break through the bullshit, and I do think that's where your training kicked in.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
leafields ( member #63517) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022
Congratulations, Beagle. It's bittersweet, getting the notification that your M is dissolved. Your kids sound so sweet. Continue being a great parent for them - and role model for their friends.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:37 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022
You wrote, My 4 year old leaves teddy bears down here everyday for me because he doesn’t want me to be alone.
Just kills me to read that, how can your WW sleep or does she not care what this is doing to your kids.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:32 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022
Good for you for getting out of infidelity!
My only advice right now is to not get too comfy in the basement…
I think healing really starts when you don’t have the trigger – the cause of pain – in your life every day. I never advocate being angrier, more hateful or negative towards your ex but rather to find a workable and amicable relationship that leads to effective coparenting. I think that is best done by first establishing some distance, some borders. That can be hard if you are wondering who is visiting upstairs or what that noise in the middle of the night could be.
Please – stick around! As you move on in healing you can become a valuable voice here on this site. At some point in her process the wonderful ChamomileTea only had 77 posts to her name, and now she’s a key-contributor on the site. We need more tea!
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 7:28 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022
I compromised a lot but to me it was worth it for my peace of mind. I got half the equity, joint 50/50 legal and physical custody and she bought out my equity in the home. No alimony and no child support either way.
Without knowing the details, I don't how much that you compromised. This sounds like a reasonably fair end to your marriage, especially considering the financial and emotional costs associated with fighting for every penny (especially for your kids).
Good job and congratulations!!
(and I am jealous that your divorce was so speedy!!)
[This message edited by barcher144 at 7:29 PM, Friday, June 17th]
Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016
Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.
DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022
Congratulations on moving forward
Your son is very special! He has a kind and caring heart!! It is a testament to you as a dad.
I wish you all the best as you forge a new path for yourself and your kids.
Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP