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Newest Member: Isabel121

Divorce/Separation :
Sleeping with my ex... now I am the OW

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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 9:34 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Dday was 5 months ago, WH left the kids and I for OW and is still with her. Kids and I are moving across the world (to the US) in a month! I have a job lined up, our support agreement postnup is begin reviewed by our lawyers now.

Basically, we are staying married until I want to remarry (if I do...) and we are buying a house together in the USA. I am satisfied with the support agreement. I am not set for life or anything- I will have to work. But the kids and I will have a good quality of life AND I get to take the kids to the US to my family and friends. I already have a well paying job lined up and a solid plan for buying the house in early 2023.

I regretted marrying WH for a few years now because he is a negligent selfish party boy trust fund baby. I was SOOO in love with him but he just abandoned me after we had kids. At first after DDay I was devastated because my dream of things getting better as the kids got older definitely died. But then accepted that I was super unhappy with the reality of the situation, and in a lot of ways my life is going to get so much better.

I think because I was unhappy with him and fantasied a lot about moving back to the USA with the kids, this is all so much easier to take. I am not really angry at WH. And... we we started sleeping together again, about once a week. At first it was because I was happy and didn't care and it was a nice FU to the OW. Like he's treating badly already when they are 6 months in. It makes me feel like she is NOT better than me. Not only is he still sleeping with me- I am still his wife with no plans to change that, I will always be the mother of his kids, and if she is happy being his girlfriend for a few years until he leaves her for someone else- fine. Enjoy!

It helps that there is a firm end date too. After we leave we will not see each other until he picks up the kids for christmas. And I am going to be in a completely different world.

BUT UGH now I am doing it because I love and miss him. Even though I would rather die than keep living here. So we are 10000000000% separating... but I am dreaming about him every night. And in the dreams we are still together and I find out about the affair and he chooses us. Really messes with my head. So I have to counter balance this against the ego-boost/revenge I get from sleeping with him... I think I will probably keep doing it because it's just another month and I feel like it keeps things positive between us. Like it feels like we are still on the same team with giving a good life to the kids (which is pretty much exclusively my life, as they will only see him for a few weeks a year).

I just want OW to suffer as much as I have. I know I should be mad at WH instead of her... but.... yea.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 9:44 AM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

Staying (open) married but physically separated by an ocean.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740086
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:25 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Okay here’s a reality check.

You deserve better. You realized that and made plans to move and start a new life.

He’s using you. You know that. He only wants you when he cannot have you. That’s what makes you attractive right now.

It’s nothing more than that, based on what you wrote.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12171   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740092
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PowerWithin ( new member #80349) posted at 2:23 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

OW is not better than you… She just exists, and does not deserve any of your energy.

From what you said, you don’t respect your WH, but he’s the father of your kids and it feels good in the moment to be with him, even though you know it’s not real. You have huge changes coming up, and it makes sense that you’re having all kinds of thoughts and feelings right now. It really is hard to let go of dreams that you believed in and wanted.

You sound like you’re okay with getting together with him a few more times before you move, yet you’re posting about it, and you’re having reunion dreams, so perhaps some parts of you are questioning your choices. Letting go of attachment can be really painful. If this is helpful at all, I used to justify a lot of my choices, then I began working on self-love. Now I ask, How does this choice reflect the way I honor myself?

[This message edited by PowerWithin at 3:16 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Currently in R.
"The next time there’s no ground to stand on, don’t consider it an obstacle. Consider it a stroke of good luck." - Pema Chödrön

posts: 32   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740104
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 4:43 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

It’s definitely short term pacifying my need for attachment. My in-laws are here visiting the kids and it’s super upsetting for me. So I called my ex about nothing really, and it was such a comfort. I know I need to stop… it’s different though….. I would seriously rather light myself on fire than live in this country anymore. So us staying together/having our old marriage is 1000% a no-go for me.

But last summer I lived in the USA apart from him for 5 months and it was the best 5 months of my life!! I didn’t miss him being a part of our daily life at all.

And then I find out my ex and in-laws are going out to dinner tonight and I am staying home with the kids. And it just highlights that he does *not* want to go to dinner with me. Which is painful. I’m so looking forward until we are in the us and it’s out of sight out of mind.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 5:08 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

Staying (open) married but physically separated by an ocean.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740139
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:21 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Let's think logically about this.

He's a cheater. You know that. If you think you,and the OW are the only 2 he is sleeping with, you are in denial. So,you have this user,sleeping with multiple women.

And,ok,let's say he's "only" having sex with you and OW. What you know of OW is that she's easy,and sleeps with married men. So chances are, she might be getting some on the side as well. Or,she knows about you and him having sex, so she's getting her own revenge sex somewhere.

Revenge may feel good. But an STD won't.

Your playing roulette with your life.

posts: 4407   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8740147
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I don't like the title - while the situation is not healthy and I think you need to get away from this clown, you are NOT the OW. You are his wife.

Regardless of anything else, I think you should drop that part of your thinking.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 150   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8740326
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I dunno, Robin. Maybe you aren't as "in love" as you fear. You've said that you're perfectly content when you're back in the States and I'm thinking there's a possibility that your immediate feelings regarding the sex might be less complicated than you're assuming. Don't get me wrong, there's not a "correct" response in this situation. But that's kind of my point. You're responding with lust, but that doesn't necessarily have to mean love. It could mean nostalgia, it could mean "good-bye", it could mean a lot of different things. In the total opposite, I responded initially with revulsion toward my fWH but that didn't mean I had no love. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and it doesn't mean anything at all. I think if your mind is set, there's no reason to overthink it. Feeling aren't facts. If your reasoning has been sound, trust your choice.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5672   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740334
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Tortured ( member #52141) posted at 6:24 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Another reality check….

So technically you’re the wife but if he’s living with her and from her perspective it’s not an open relationship then he’s "cheating" on her with you. So yes then you are the OW (if we forget that piece of paper).

So it seems that you were over the marriage anyhow by the time the affair appeared. However, you’re on this site and have read the more distressed versions of infidelity. Plus you have revenge for the OW so let’s face it, even if you were unhappy, you got hurt by the affair.

So here’s my question for you to ponder…. Why do you want to be the "other woman"? When do you want to be a revengeful person?

I don’t care about him, I care that you’re response is a reflection of you. OW lack empathy and are selfish - is that who you are?

If this is just for sex, then find someone else to sleep with. Plenty of men are happy to have a fuck buddy.

If it’s for revenge, stop, you are just becoming a. Ugly character - don’t let his actions make that happen.

If it’s for attachment, it’s like reverse hysterical bonding because you care and this is comforting. Maybe it’s a less trauma exit for you, but then acknowledge that for what it is. I just get an awful feeling of him disrespecting you even more now than when you were married. Again question it, when it was his affair before that was different, him openingly disrespecting to your face and you allowing it is worse.

Don’t give away your power now.

Tortured
Me: BS
Him: WH (serial)
Three kids
DD: Nov 2015 (and so much trickle truth that I would be listing a month a DDays)
Sep: Dec 2016

posts: 166   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2016
id 8740480
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