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Newest Member: scrambledeggs

New Beginnings :
Not Looking For a New Relationship

Topic is Sleeping.

 leafields (original poster guide #63517) posted at 5:06 AM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

My SIL brought up the topic that I should start dating. I said that I would consider dating if future BF was an enhancement to my life and didn't interfere with my relationship with my kids and grandkids.

My new beginning is with me and my wants and needs because I am worth it. So thankful for the SI peeps that helped me get to this place.

Your new beginning doesn't need to involve another person. My advice? Don't jump into another relationship too soon.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2700   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8736500

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:47 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

My new beginning is with me and my wants and needs because I am worth it.

Your new beginning doesn't need to involve another person.

To that, I say a hearty hell yeah wink

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:48 PM, Monday, May 23rd]

posts: 519   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8736570

twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 4:21 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022


I spent about 7yrs single, focusing on just myself and my kiddos. My goal after divorce was to reclaim who I was and what I wanted (was married for 16yrs). I dated a lot but never committed myself to any one gentleman (was very up front about it).

Ultimately, anyone that I decided to share my life with needed to add value to it and fit in well (instead of changing to fit someone else). Obviously, I needed to integrate just as smoothly into their life. And just over a year and a half ago, I found him. He is kind, he is self-aware, he is an amazing father, he is an incredible employee. He is just the whole package for me. We have the same weird sense of humour, the same parenting philosophy. The bonus for each of us is that our marriages ended for the same reason (addiction and infidelity) and we've both done a lot of therapy to get our heads right. He is beautiful to me, but not traditionally attractive. His whole being won me over and I find myself falling more in love with him each time I see him deal with situations in such as adult way. I have 2 kiddos, he has 3. We have no plans to blend the families under one roof, considering the upheaval that our children still deal with due to their other parent. But we do family things together and it's beautiful to see our children get to know each other without the pressure of also living together. That was the hardest part to find in a man - one that was fine with not living together for the foreseeable future (my oldest is now 18 and my youngest is now 15. Once my youngest moves on in her life, I will consider moving in with my boyfriend (his house is big enough for all of us to live if we needed to, where mine is not. He owns, I rent).

You do you <3

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 492   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8736834

Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 5:37 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

After my divorce due to infidelity, I spent 5 years without dating (after a few rebound flings). It was extremely intentional. I focused on my kids and starting a new career in a new industry. I had moved to a new town, and had just gotten to that phase of recovery from alcoholism where I was past the craving, struggling, drunk-dream terror that my disease was going to kill me, and into a good place where I knew I wasn't perfect, but still liked me, and finally found the serenity that I needed to be able to deal with life on a day-to-day basis. I came close to coming first for the first time in my life. I didn't want to threaten that in any way. I was content with my life, and extremely grateful that I had survived the last marriage and alcoholism. I savored my freedom and autonomy.

But after the infidelity drama and all the other emotional and financial crap that husband number two had tried to pile onto the divorce, I definitely needed time. Lots and lots of time. I needed peace, and time to figure out who I was and what I was capable of on my own.

It took me 5 years to want to date again. And then like a year and two months later, I was remarried. I'm not going to say that marriage number three was the dumpster fire shit show cluster fuck that marriage number two was (NOTHING could compare to that nightmare), but the spark wasn't there after 11 years. It ended in a very undramatic fashion with a conversation in the driveway where we both didn't see any point in being married anymore.

Last time I went back out there, I was driven by a fear that I was going to die old and alone. Now that I'm much closer to old, I'm not so afraid any more. All relationships require compromise, and I find myself not willing to compromise for shmucks. So I'm picky. And dating and relationships aren't the be-all and end-all of my life any more. If I have one, great. If not, who cares? Dating is now more of an entertaining, albeit frustrating, hobby. Maybe there's a nice guy out there that doesn't mind the fact that I'm a little OCD, work addicted, and very independent. Maybe not. Either way is OK with me.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.
WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone.
D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8736843

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:18 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Dating is now more of an entertaining, albeit frustrating, hobby.

Isn't that the truth laugh

I just recently got back into the dating ring and have been seeing someone long distance and very fun and casual. There is no pressure from either side to move it forward. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be in another relationship. Really liking my freedom to come and go as I choose without approval from anyone. I can make myself whatever I want to eat whenever I want. It's just so awesome being single tongue

It's going to take a really special person who gives me a lot of space. I like twicefooled situation that sounds ideal!

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8568   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8736878

Bingo ( member #72835) posted at 2:39 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

I'm 68 and have absolutely no desire to have a man in my life! I suppose I could change my mind but I'm just not thinking that's a possibility anymore.

I've spent 45 years of my life married to two different men and they were both "tempted by the fruit of another". Give my heart to another man....ain't no way in hell, honey!

From now on, my heart belongs to only me and I know I can trust "ME" to take care of it...

posts: 155   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Florida
id 8738591

Karmafan ( member #53810) posted at 4:04 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2022

I am on the same boat as you. I have been divorced for six years and had a long term relationship afterwards. I have been properly single for two years now. I tried to date last year but it got to a point that I really couldn’t do it anymore. I was…depleted. Hard selling yourself, staring at the phone, being consumed by self doubt, processing yet another disappointment. Or feeling you have found a kindred spirit, cautiously allowing yourself to get excited, only to see it vanish after a few dates.

The thing with dating is, it starts off fun and ends up soul destroying. I don’t anticipate dating ever again. I need to come to terms with the possibility that I’ll be alone for ever and I won’t lie, it’s hard. There are days I feel intensely lonely but the very prospect of going on another date again fills me with dread.

The thing is, it’s hard to explain this to your (coupled) friends, or family. They simply don’t understand how someone might want to be alone by choice look

Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 638   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8739851

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:27 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

The thing with dating is, it starts off fun and ends up soul destroying. I don’t anticipate dating ever again. I need to come to terms with the possibility that I’ll be alone for ever and I won’t lie, it’s hard. There are days I feel intensely lonely but the very prospect of going on another date again fills me with dread.

Well said. I miss having a best friend/life partner but can't stomach what's involved in finding another. I also have zero interest in giving up even a drop of my freedom, space and autonomy, and I'm not sure a relationship exists in which you don't give up some of that.

Love Twicefooled's arrangement, but I can't see even remotely trusting someone who isn't right under my nose after what I've been through.

Still, I'm excited about this time in my life. I haven't even scratched the surface of getting back to who I really am after so many decades of making myself smaller or different for the men in my life. I'm revisiting old hobbies and figuring out how I want my house to look. I am working to understand how and why I gave up so much of myself to prioritize a partnership when they'd always let me down or worse. Was it cultural conditioning, a a fear of ending up alone or a genuine organic desire to be coupled? All three perhaps.

It would take a miracle for me to partner up again and even then I don't know if it's a good idea. I fear after so much betrayal and trauma I've been fashioned into a person who will never feel safe and fully myself in a partnership.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1258   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8739975
Topic is Sleeping.
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